Why buy a pre-made pecan pie for $8.00 when you can buy two cups of pecans for $7.99?

Ok. So, I know that is a long title, but bear with me. To our Thanksgiving gathering I am taking English Pea salad & Pumpkin Pie. Well, not a real pumpkin pie, but a healthier version. I've never made this particular recipe, but chose it because it is a baked pumpkin pie. The other "light" versions of pumpkin pie I've tried were simple and chilled. This one is baked, so I'm hoping it tastes more authentic.

In all the preparation and buying ingredients Chris asked if I would make a pecan pie too. Now, pumpkin I can do, and a healthy pumpkin alternative, I can do. But, real pie scares me. Real pecan pie that is served after a real turkey and dressing meal really frightens me. I asked Chris if I could make something else, anything else: cookies, cheesecake brownies or lemon squares. I asked if I could buy a pecan pie next door at this authentic bakery that pumps the scent of pound cake right out the front door at all times. He said no. He said that buying a pie is not in the spirit of the holiday (I think he's been listening to me too much. Sounds like my own teachings.)

So, I found a few recipes online and fumbled around and emailed my mom three times. She told me the one that was most like her own and told me to go for it. (Oddly, this recipe from the Oct. 2007 Southern Living magazine is called Mom's Pecan Pie.) She told me the key is to be patient and let it set. Letting it set is the name of the game & she told me "this doesn't mean turn up the heat." She instructed me to put foil on the edges of the pie crust to protect it from burning and keep that pie a-cookin'. An hour if it takes that long. Or longer.

List in hand, I stopped at the grocery store on my way home yesterday evening. I couldn't just buy one pre-made frozen pie crust, they only come in sets of two. (I guess there will be more holiday baking between now and Dec. 25th.) I couldn't just buy one pie tin, they only come in packs of four for $4.99, and the way I see it, this late in the game I am not comparison shopping all over NYC. Pecans set me back $7.99. The other ingredients were reasonable and in stock.

Except for dark corn syrup & baking Splenda (marked at $8.99 a bag!!!). The Splenda is for the pumpkin pie, don't worry- the pecan pie will be 100% real.

At this point, I'm beginning to wonder if I will find either one of these items before nightfall. If I don't we will have a pecan pie made with LIGHT corn syrup & real sugar in the pumpkin pie. Cause I'm gonna make this work- one way or another. Even if it doesn't taste like Momma's.

Not Myself

"I just don't feel like myself." I said this to Chris last night as we stood on Third Avenue waiting on the M101 bus to take us up to 91st street. "Not that I know what I feel like, or that I feel like someone else I just feel blah."

Sunday and Monday, I just felt blase. Bland. "Poopy" as Chris and I say, which has no inference to actually needing to use the bathroom, it's just an emotion. Sunday I took a nap and Monday morning I didn't go to the gym. I wore brown instead of black. I wore my hair pulled back. I ate a slice of pizza for lunch instead of my usual Hale and Hearty or soup/ tuna combo I bring from home. Pizza is not me. (It was vegan pizza on whole wheat crust, but pizza nevertheless.)

And I had to work yesterday. What I mean is I had to actually do work at work. I didn't even get to check my Facebook account until after 2:30pm and I still haven't responded to an email that I would like to respond to. I thought I'd get to edit that piece I wanted to submit by November 30th. I mean seriously. I thought this was a low key work week. I thought I was just a measly receptionist who did a little of this and a little of that, gee whiz.

Then, when my co-worker told me to have a glass of wine and relax when I got home after work I let her know that after work I was heading to choir rehearsal. (Monday night instead of Wednesday night this week: our modified Thanksgiving schedule.) My usual routine when I get off work at 6:00pm and have choir at 7:00pm is to wander uptown to church, taking my time, stopping at Ann Taylor or Sam Flax Stationers. But yesterday I walked myself right down to the subway, got off at the first stop, and walked straight to church at 6:20pm.

When I got into the sanctuary there was no one there. Everyone was sitting at Starbucks, or grabbing a burrito, or picking up toiletries at Bed Bath and Beyond one block over- or so I assume. I laid down (or, did I lie down, or lay down?) the first pew in my sweater dress and boots, wadding up my scarf as a pillow. I had no energy. I had no money to spend on stuff. I had no want to. I was tired and lethargic and didn't feel like myself. And I don't think God has a problem with us coming to Him like this.

So, laying (lieing??- Listen, I'm a writer not a grammar teacher. And yes, my masters is in Journalism, but I don't have my style book handy.) on the pew at church was just where I needed to be. (For those of you haven't, I wish you could be inside Trinity for just a moment. It's beautiful. Mystical. Old and cave-like.) Growing up in a "gym church" I appreciate the architecture and design and meaning behind each pillar and painting and stained glass window. The ceiling in the sanctuary is a dome which has smallish windows that let in ample sunshine. Directly in the center of the dome is a triangle that has an eye in it. I realize that it sounds creep and new-age and a bit non-Christian, BUT the designer intended it to represent the eye of God, looking down on his people. Laying on the pew, I looked into that big eye.

I could hear Dave playing his guitar and singing upstairs in classroom C. I could hear Beth singing along to the worship song pumping out of her computer speakers, "Fill up my lungs with air, my voice with prayer and my mouth with praise...." Downstairs I could hear metal folding chairs colliding as the monthly prayer team circled-up. And I liked it and I knew this is where I was supposed to be.

And when I did get home, sometime after 9:30pm, I did have that glass of red wine.

Holding Back

This photo was taken on Christmas Eve of last year. Chris and I sang at the 7:00pm Christmas Eve service at church- which was something totally new to both of us, a Christmas Eve candlelight service. That is not something that most Baptist girls grow up doing- but I truly loved it. So much so that we will be singing again this year. The service ended last year with everyone singing Silent Night as they left the church, their candles still glowing. By the end, we were left singing in an empty sanctuary- Chris playing guitar- and "sleep in heavenly peace" echoing off the stone walls. I cried.

BUT, before we can get to Christmas Eve we must first have Thanksgiving. Sunday is our Thanksgiving service at church- which is pretty darn marvelous! It's full of music and people sharing what they are thankful for. Last year I shared. It was pretty much one of the bravest things I've ever done. Within my effort to let other people know that they are not alone, or weird or completly messed-up, I realized the same. So many have said "Thank You for sharing, and being real." So many have said, "I've been there."

Despite someone recently telling me that they feel as if I'm "holding back" I think I'm pretty transparent. Or at least that is my intention- to all persons at all times.

Honestly, I was taken aback by the statement, especially when this person "did" me, with the crossed arms and head turned to the side, facing slightly upward. Then, there was the hair toss. I don't toss my hair! And I sure don't try to come across so snobbishly. And I don't even think that this person meant that I was snobbish, just stand-off-ish. That I was distant, vague, a shell of a person without a soul! I don't know, but I feel like I'm very, VERY real. Yes, I still have my issues, my hang-ups, my personal struggles where I'm like, "Seriously, this shouldn't be an issue for me anymore..." But I have to live in this flesh suit until the day I die, so... I think sin will forever be present.

At any rate, it upset me and I kept thinking about it through the night and cried to Chris while I sat cross-legged on the couch in my flannel pajama bottoms, studying the backs of my hands. As he searched on Craigslist for apartments in Gramercy he said, "Don't worry about it." But I do.

All I know is I don't feel like I'm holding back. Not in the way I perform my daily tasks at my job, not in the way I manage my monies, not in the way I try so desperatly to let people know that they are wanted and needed. I'm trying to Love Well. And "holding back" - it does't mesh well with the goal I'm trying to achieve.

And today, two people have asked me if I'm sick. "You look tired," they say, "pale." "Your eyes are lower than usual." Although, I'm not sure what this means.... I think it's my red lipstick and pale skin. I don't know. But, I'm fine people. I'm really fine, I'm not holding back- This is Me.

I love lists.

And I love datebooks. You know- paper calendars? PAPER, yes, people still use paper organizers/ planner/ datebooks, whatever it is you want to refer to them as. Well, at least I do, and I'm assuming there are few other people who do, as well, since there is quite a fine selection of them for sale at various bookstores and stationary boutiques across this city. I like keeping lists in my datebook too.

I carry a smallish journal with me at all times, in case I get inspired, or that one great line runs through my head while sitting in the concourse of Rockefeller Center, or while eating sushi in Grand Central Station. I use it more for real writing. But, usually, I end up jotting down notes to myself in my datebook.

If one were to glance through the pages, flipping between March and September and into December, they would see some curious lines. In my 2009 planner, at some point or another, I have written: fix typos, 8:00pm ABC- Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, sign lease, order a gift for Shirley online, 11:15 massage- take coupon!!!, mandatory dress rehearsal, 9:30AM Penn Station- train to Long Beach, Chris unplugged AM Svc.

Additionally, I found it necessary to write that on Dec. 6th at 2:30 I was to buy moving boxes at The Container Store, Kim returned from Texas on July 13th, and that Lora's due date was July 31st. I took a book to Heidi on August 10th between 9-2, had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Shadlow on Sutton Place at 8:45 on September 21st (although, now that I think about it, I didn't go....), responded to Melissa's email on August 17th and mailed Rick's card on January 31st.

In my datebook I have written down Chris's vacation days from school for the 2009-2010 academic year, LB's newest address on Walton Drive, the phone number of the place I now work, and the pro's and con's of moving out of our current apartment. (This is actually something Chris and I did over a slice of cheese pizza while sitting in Gramercy waiting on a call from a broker. We were trying to decide why/ when/ if we really wanted or needed to move.) And in Chris's handwriting, the hours of our local NY Public Library on 96th and Lexington Ave.

I love lists. I love making notes. I don't see how other people can make it though the day without knowing what to do. And a datebook helps me keep all that stuff together: where to be and when, addresses, times, what to bring, numbers to call when I get lost. My datebook is a journal of sorts, it tells a story of where I've been and what I've been doing. Nothing is color-coded or uniform, however there are lots of highlighted days, bright colors, post-it notes, markers, and words in purple, green and red.

I know when booth pieces were do (for writing class), when I met Courtney for dinner at Taco Taco, when Laila was on the Today Show, when I had a "park day" or "motorcycle day," and what my mom's flight number is on December 28th.

And on Saturday, April 4th, the day before Palm Sunday, I have written, "Chris = Jesus 8am-1pm TBC."

While in the future I may not need to know what day I saw Wicked on, or bought hosiery on, or went to new member orientation on, I will keep this calendar throughout 2010- at least.

My mom's cooking is better than your mom's cooking

I can not believe that Thanksgiving is next week. It has completely taken me by suprise, and I guess since I have no real plans, that I have let the actual holiday sneak up on me.

Since my husband says that I write about food ALOT, I will not dwell on the subject, but I will tell you about the marvelous foods that I WILL NOT be having this Thanksgiving Day. My mom's food.

For starters broccoli, rice and cheese casserole & English pea salad- these are my favorites and have been ever since I was a child. Plus, this is the only time of the year that I get to indulge in such lovely dishes. My mom began feeding me English peas while I was teething. Her English pea salad is perfect- light mayonnaise, egg whites, celery and cheddar cheese in bite sized pieces. I hate it when the cheese pieces are too large. I will also not be having sweet potatoes. In our house we did not eat sweet potato casserole- with all that marmalade and marshmallow mess. My sisters and I like sweet potatoes with a little butter (preferably spray butter which is more like salt than anything else) and that's it. (It took my Nana like three holidays to finally get it. We DON'T WANT all that weird stuff with our yams. Got it? Nothing fancy, just a potato.)

My mom's dressing- which we referred to as dressing, not stuffing- is phenomenal, never dry AND it's sort of odd, but she puts chicken in her dressing. It's still really good though. And, sadly enough, I've never watched her make it or asked how or even know the ingredients. This is sad to me because I feel like I should, and I know my sisters do. I don't know if it's cornbread dressing or Pepperidge Farm stuffing mix or what. And I know my sisters do.

I will also not be having her homemade rolls (sourdough or whole wheat- which she makes both of), or green bean casserole (which she only makes if we ask- not one of her favorites for sure). Her green bean casserole is the kind with cream of mushrooms soup, not the one with French's, fried onion pieces on the top. We discovered that dish later in life, at another family gathering. Mom said she used to eat those fried onion pieces out of the can as a kid, or something like that- Potato Sticks I think, so she pretty much hates them.

I will also not be having her delicious pumpkin pie or pecan pie- both of which she makes from scratch, even the pie crusts which are flaky and picture perfect. I was never much of a pie eater growing up. I'd usually just eat the crusty part of my sisters pecan slice or something like that. Some years mom would make chocolate pie too, with meringue thick and foamy like a dense fog. Mostly, I like to pick at the meringue. But pies, pies never did much for me. I'd rather have a roll for dessert- warm with honey.

I preferred the desserts that she made at Christmas for us to give to our teachers and Sunday School leaders: fudge, puppy chow and this amazing thing with cashews, Ritz crackers and corn syrup that you bake in the oven until it makes a sort-of brittle. Oh, and I guess there was turkey and ham too (but meat, ah, who needs it...?) Anyway...

This Thanksgiving, I'm not sure where I'll be or who I'll be with at this point. But I know I'll be Thankful. And probably full too.

Another Sunday

Yesterday the weather was a balmy 63 degrees. I found myself wandering down First Avenue toward Perfect Shape Threading salon on 79th to get my eyebrows threaded for $7.00. I love the art of threading because it leaves my brows in the perfect arch- not too thin or shapeless. Plus, there is less redness and I don't get those little pimples on my brow bone the following day.

Afterward, I headed toward 71st street where I planned on purchasing a couple smelly candles from Bath and Body Works. However, I stumbled upon Kate's Paperie which I have always wanted to go in to, but never have. I had such a nice time gazing at various weights of paper, in shades like Dahlia and Smoke. They had the most creative envelopes and envelope liners and tri-fold mailers. I fingered pearly, Christmas cards and white, laser cut snowflake notecards. Stickers, stamps, gel pens and stencils. I love stationary and I did buy some things for $15.

After purchasing a scent that is supposed to smell of Winter in both candle and plug-in form as well as a lotion named Optimism, I headed up back up Third Avenue. I liked the white, glass bottle that Optimism came in, as much as I like the clean, sheer scent. The whimsical orange font promised me favor and positive thoughts.

I looked in shop windows: children's boutique clothing stores with tiny, plaid button-up shirts beneath logoed navy sweater vests, baby corduroy skirts in cranberry and little-bitty army green galoshes. Snowflakes and glitter and blinking white lights- all reminded me that Christmas is coming. I was comfortably dressed in yoga pants, one of Chris's white, V-neck undershirts (the same one I slept in- of course), a gray hoodie and a baseball cap- the perfect lazy Sunday afternoon wear. A Sunday that I missed church. A Sunday when I slept until 11:00AM after staying up until after 3:00AM and woke up in a less than happy and healthy condition- but that is another story.

I love walking through my neighborhood. And yesterday was the perfect day for strolling NYC. I stopped in Orewashers Bakery and was lucky enough to get a cinnamon raisin roll. Usually by noon they are sold out- thus the reason I had never had one before this day. It was 65 cents of pure joy. But not as good as the raisin pumpernickel or the whole wheat. It was more roll-like and less dense bread-like, but good nonetheless.

My last purchase was at Pier One where I picked up four white, ceramic soup bowls for $3.00 each- and I did enjoy looking at the holiday decorations and ornaments and garland and stuff, but luckily was not too impressed by any of it. Somehow our previous eight bowls have dwindled down to four and it is soup season. The last one that broke was dropped from the microwave onto the granite counter top full of piping hot minestrone. I think I cried trying to clean it up.

So, back home with my bowls, lotions, candles and stationary I was ready to relax, eat some soup and catch up on my correspondence. It was a good, lazy, restful day. I made a bowl of Campbell's condensed tomato soup made with skim milk on the stove top and told Chris that tomato soup is possibly the only canned item I prepare on the stove instead of in the microwave. I'm not sure why, except that this is how one of my two best friends in high school made it- which is also why it makes me think of her. At sixteen-years-old canned soup was new to me.

I lit my candles, ate my soup and played with my stickers until I decided to go to bed at 9:00. Thankful for the simplicity of saltines and well-shaped brows and prana yoga pants.

Good Afternoon, How Can I Help You?

I actually stole this image from a friend, (who, like myself, also works as a receptionist but is really an artist,) who found it on the Internet, but I love it. It is currently my desktop image. It makes me smile- and this, this is how I see myself. "Hi, I am cheery, smiley, over-the-top receptionist here to answer phones, direct guests and type minutes from time to time."

While I do still love, and am very grateful for my job, I have not written in a long, long time. Well, not really. Journaled?-yes. Blogged?-some. Submitted?- wrote down some deadlines. Revised?- thought about it.

I just can't find the time. Bad excuse, I know. I realize that I do make time for things important to me. For example, I do get up at 5:45AM to go to the gym every weekday morning, and I usually find the time to go sometime during the weekend as well. I find the time to clean, do laundry, make cakes, buy Christmas cards... I am avoiding the writing thing. I'm staying busy with the nonsense again.

So, maybe I can't get as much writing done at work as I'd like to, but I know that there is some time here- oh, like a good two hours each day. I have a mental block- time, space, organization. I have to have the right music on and the right lighting and view and candles lit (you get the idea). I have to break though this. This isn't a real issue, I am the issue. My mental fog is the issue.

Somewhere, inside me, there are more stories that need to be told. More things that need to be worked through and pondered on and pilfered through- and I do realize this, even now. It's just starting. It's just doing it. I realize that only writing can fill that writers hole in my being - so, I might as well stop avoiding and do it already. Even if it means three less hours at the gym a week, or not making treats for choir rehearsal, or ordering dinner out a couple times a week. And seriously, it wouldn't even mean all of that. I just need to sit down and lay my fingers across the keyboard. Stare at the screen. Sit. Stare. Be still. Now that is a problem for me too.

I'd rather be smiley, cheery, over-the-top girl.