Thanksgiving

Chris and I spent the week of Thanksgiving in Texas visiting family and friends. I always struggle after such a retreat and vacation, of sorts, to sit down and write.

There is so much to say.

For now, I'll just tell you what some of my favorite moments of the Trip to Texas were.

1. Getting to know my best friend Lora's daughter, two year old Tessa, even more. We spent a couple of nights in the Stockhammer's home and while Tessa called me "Stefani" as best she could, Chris was simply referred to as "other people." The entire trip.

2. Looking through my Nana's recipe boxes that my mother now has possession of. My Nana died in 1997 when I was seventeen years old. At the time to me it seemed that I was actually very lucky to get to know my Nana. But now I realize, I hardly knew her at all. As I've grown from a youth, to a married woman of thirty-one, I wish I had more time with her.

Her recipe boxes were stuffed with mostly handwritten recipe cards, although some had been typed with the typewriter. The From the Kitchen of line was always filled in and there were many, many women's names. There were clippings from newspapers, magazines and pamphlets. These I enjoyed most, especially reading the backs of the recipes themselves- what other "news" was going on at the time and what prices were at the supermarket.

3. Riding motorcycles with my husband and my father through the East Texas farmland right before sunset. The temperature was biting, but overall it was glorious.

4. Walking the railroad track to the train trestle with Chris, my sister Laura and my brother Jonathan.

5. Being "gifted" with a most needed and relaxing facial from my sweet friend Alaina. I got to see her new space and enjoy being pampered by her special touch. She is now self-employed and seems quite content and terribly busy with clients. What a blessing.

6. Spending the night at my sister's beautiful home on Lake Athens, waking each morning to make a pot of coffee and sit in her alcove window seat looking out into the woods.

7. Stashing some of my mothers homemade rolls away and bringing them back to NYC with me! Mmmm, warm (although reheated) homemade bread plain or with butter and cinnamon. I could survive on this alone.

8. Quietness. Darkness. Stillness.

Unarmed

The pace is frustrating. Heavy, like the rumbling, bass beat of that rattling music coming from a car that happens to stop in front of your house. Shaking your organs. Hurting your insides. You put a hand over your chest, instinctively, just to make sure that your heart is still there and still beating somewhat regularly.

The pace is killing me.

I’m tired of being yelled at, and tired of yelling over the constant, steady drone. Over the hum that never stops. The noise that never stops. The sirens, and honking, and drunken laugher on the sidewalk and car alarms and air brake on the city buses that never stop.

Earlier this week I was simply taking my time choosing what I wanted to eat at a deli in Grand Central Station; looking at quinoa and tofu and beets and cabbage and bokchoy. I wasn’t asking for help yet. I wasn’t holding up any line or in the way- I was just considering my options, enjoying food. Enjoying my time out of the office.

But I felt rushed. I felt like I was an inconvenience. I felt as if the girl behind the counter would have had a much nicer day if she never had to talk to a customer. And in times like this I almost always feel like a victim. Like I just want to sit down and cry, or punch someone in the face.

And there is nowhere to step away from any of it. Nowhere to go where it’s completely turned off. And it makes me an angry person. The worst version of myself: rude, selfish, quiet- introverted, a loner who doesn’t care about you or want to have anything to do with you. Chris says I walk around with a demeanor that says, "I carry blades."

I work so hard on my outside appearance when I feel like my inside is rotting. Even when I seek direction or pray or try sincerely to do better- I don’t ever get there. And it’s not about arriving, or any of that, but daily I feel like laying down and dying would be easier than trying any more, as melodramatic as that may sound. It’s three steps forward and one step back- that’s the only way to get there. That and prayer, Christian accountability and doing things that feed my soul.

Without believing who I am, I am lost. Without knowing the direction, I feel meaningless. And in a world where we can claim success and define ourselves by many, many things, it scares me to be so susceptible. To be unarmed.

I ask for God to speak truth to me today when I sat down to read my Anne Lamott book on my lunch break. In the short story, A Man Who Was Mean to His Dog, she said:

“Well, I am certainly not there yet. I myself am a bit more into blame and revenge; also, I’ve found that self-righteousness is very comforting. But Jesus is quite clear on this. He does not mince words. He says you even have to love the whiners, the bullies, and the people that think they‘re better than you. And you have to stick up for the innocent.”

I can relate.

Pouting.... but Thankful

It's raining. And I'm hungry. And tired.

And I want to go home.

I've been eating less and working out more (in mental preparation for the abundance of food that will be everywhere next week) and it's making me a complete grump.

I think.

Remember the cabbage I made a week ago? I'm still eating on it... I'm tired of cabbage. I need a burger with cheese and bacon and a side of ranch dressing to dip it in.

I'm trying to get all those last few things done before we leave for Texas on Friday afternoon. Friday afternoon when I leave work just a little early to make that 6:00 flight.

I need to:

Stop by and pick up a prescription

Figure out if I have enough contact solution and face wash and toothpaste to make it through a week away

Get the most recent choral music (for our Christmas concert) on my iPod for practicing while I'm gone

Decide on a lighthearted, fiction, book to take along with me

Oh, and pack!

Sometime after choir rehearsal tonight and after a youth leadership meeting tomorrow night, I need to finish packing. The weather in Texas is so different from what it is here this time of year, I'm excited about ballet flats and cropped jeans and short-sleeves for awhile. It's so much easier to pack for warmer climates. Even on our long Boston week-end-getaway all those sweaters and coats and scarves took up so much space.

It's not like I really need to worry all that much. I can run to Wal-Mart or Target or CVS for anything I need. I can shop in my mom's and sister's and best friend's closets for any clothes I might need to wear. But I'm still taking 4-5 pairs of shoes!

...

I'm looking forward to wide open spaces & quietness.

Just being in the same room with family is enough for me. There's just something that isn't eroded by time and distance. We're solid. There's a automatic comfort and gladness; it is what home really means I guess. It's something I don't get to feel all that often. I mean, my NYC family is my NYC family, but my own flesh and blood can't be replaced. We are silly and loud and have inside jokes and memories that immediately pour out of us.

I'm looking forward to doing whatever each day brings. And just going with it. I'm trying to approach this week as a week of true rest and renewal. I haven't been home since Thanksgiving last year, and I'm in need of some Texas air.

Movers and Shakers

I am a homebody. Normally, I'm content in the stillness of our small, own space. We rarely, DO anything on weekends- considering that we live in New York City. We hardly take advantage of the night life or dance scenes or live music or "no cover" bands. On most evenings we simply choose to stay in.

But this weekend was different. Friday night, before the sun even set, we had a wedding to attend. A 5:00pm wedding on 11/11/11. And the party went well into the night. Our night, of course, ended prematurely at 10:00pm, but that was enough wedding celebration for me. Food galore: buffets full of appetizers, carving stations, a swan created out of fruit, passed h'orderves, a four course meal, two open bars.

There were bins and bowls full of candy with those metal scoops which I couldn't resist. Now we have enough grape gummy bears and blue tootsie rolls to last us for months. I think Chris and I had the most fun in the photo booth.

In between eating and drinking and dancing guests could use all sorts of props and basically act ridiculously silly having their picture made. After the booth deposited your photos you were instructed to cut out a strip and tape it into a photo album for the bride and groom. There were metallic pain pens available to write your own message beside your pictures. Give me a glass of champagne and a metallic paint pen; the fun will never stop!

We had a blast dancing, meeting some new people and having good conversation with old friends. I got to wear a borrowed blue dress that made me feel great. So this whole "getting out" thing, I guess it's not so bad! Even though we left before the cake was cut--- at 10:00pm.

And we opted out of the Free (although no small fee for the father of the bride I'm sure) shuttle vans that were taking guests from the venue (in Queens) to Times Square. The party was to continue there at a bar they had booked for the evening. This is for big time party people. Not people like myself who top out at two glasses of vino.

HOWEVER, let it be known the fun did not stop there. The Chambers had another night of dinner and dancing at a church-wide event Sunday night. From 5:30pm-10:00pm the congregation of Trinity Baptist Church were invited to a TEN celebration.

We have just completed a church-wide book study (TEN) which is based on John 10:10 "I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of." It was a great book (not in stores until Jan. 2012) that taught me many things. There isn't sacred and secular- there just is who you are and what your faith is. It should be one. It should be you.

God has a purpose for your life (cliche I know) BUT- find it, chase it, do it. Don't leave your options open. There shouldn't be a PLAN B. There should just be you, doing the thing God called you to do. Oh, and when you don't do what God's called you to do, it doesn't just effect you. It effects everyone. Choosing your way, or an easier way, or waiting for your ship to come in and not getting off your butt- yeah, that's just selfish. Fear is rooted in self reliance. Rely on God- because he's already got the victory. (And now I will step away from the pulpit...)

ANYWAY- Sunday night we Celebrated big with a semi-formal party. It was so much fun. We had a delicious meal prepared by an amazing chef in our congregation. There was live music, a deejay, and even (gasp...!!!) dancing.

The Chambers- we can party when we want to.
We can be cool.

Veggie Stew

1 ginormous head of cabbage - $3.00

1 onion- .60 cents

2 tomatoes, 2 zucchini & 1 clove of garlic- $6.00

2 big fat carrots- $1.65

All this plus maybe a little brown rice and turkey sausage (I gotta keep my man full, and veggies just might not do it.) You'd actually probably laugh if you saw how I portion this completed stew out. I ladle "mine" into my individual corningware: veggies only. I add some sort of meat and carb to Chris's servings. Not that I don't need protein and carbs, but I like veggies alone more often that not. And I'm a HUGE freak about my personal portion control.

Which is why at Le Pain Quotidien this morning when I said, "just a splash of half-and-half" I meant just a splash. It made me a nervous wreck letting someone else control my coffee to milk ratio. But I managed.

...

Making my last veggie stew of the season tonight with ingredients from the farmer's market leaves me a little saddened. Although the Union Square Farmers Market is open year-round, four days a week- the season of bounty is drawing to a close...

I love walking the market and wandering through the stands. I bought these items from four different farmers & I also just had to buy two more apples. Even though I already have three waiting to be eaten.

I just love farmers and farming and the smell of onions and fennel and wet wood at the farmers market.

And the fun never stops

Have I mentioned that I'm on a budget?! Well, I've been trying to convince myself how arts and craft supplies are a necessity. How I need art supplies more than listerine or ziplock bags or a lip liner.

Saturday I FINALLY made it to the new (about two years old) Michael on the Upper West Side. This required a train uptown, then a bus across town but it was worth it.

I will be honest and admit that it is not nearly as spacious and glamorous as the Michaels I remember.... AND I am still a bigger fan of Hobby Lobby. (I miss you, Hobby Lobby.)

But, I did have a wonderful time going up and down each and every singe aisle. I read the back of more than one type of adhesive. I wanted to know the difference between each and every single type of Mod Podge. And I love rubber cement- it can do wonders. And glue sticks! Give me an exacto knife and I can make something wonderful.

I sort of went with some supplies to buy in mind and sort of went to get inspiration. I also went with a 20% off your entire purchase coupon, which actually didn't seem to be all that much of a discount when I got up to the register.

I ended up leaving with thread (embroidery floss) a few bottles of glue, some scrapbooking paper, and a big box to keep it all in. And some inspiration.

I plan on making our Christmas cards this year. And I continue to cut and paste and rip pretty pictures from architectural magazines we receive at the office. Most notable, however is that for the first time since about 1990 I'm making a friendship bracelet. Yes indeed. Last night you would have found me on my couch watching a 13-year-old girl on youtube teaching me how to do the "inverted chevron."

Life is good!!

Why Starbucks is on Top, Again...

Today I ordered a tall half-caf from Starbucks for $1.91. It is the second of the three Starbucks I pass on my walk across 42nd Street to Madison Avenue. Across Madison Avenue there is another location. I drank my coffee with a splash of half and half, no sugar.

The girl in line behind me was about five foot tall. Wearing no makeup and using a cane at the very young age of about 35 I'd say, she ordered her tall iced chai tea latte with a little spunk. And this was not really a spunky girl, but more of a frumpy girl. However I think stepping up to that barista wearing the green apron, cinnamon wafting into her nostrils and saying "tall iced chai tea latte" truly empowered her. I think it may be the boldest thing she might do all day. She just looked like that sort of person; quiet, shy, a "behind the scenes" job.

Anyway, I'm back at Starbucks after Joe's and Rize (who serve Stumptown coffee) and even Screme Gelato Bar. Screme actually opened about a year ago as D'Espresso coffee bar, but after they installed a gelato cooler right in their front window business started booming and now gelato is priority--- and they also serve coffee. Funny how those decisions are made overnight it seems.

Their gelato does well in this office.... Our Managing Director seems to sneek out at least once a day for a scoop. Yes, sometimes more than once a day. But you didn't hear that from me. He's the only one with a key to the side entrance right next to his office and it's quite hilarious to see him step off the elevator and slide through that door after getting his sugar fix, instead of walking through reception and displaying his gelato to all the worker bees sitting in their cubicles on his way to his office.

I like the entrepreneurial spirit, the blue collar worker (although I'm not really sure how that relates here, but I DO!), the independents. I like the small business owner. I despise Wal-Mart and don't eat at chain restaurants when I can help it. However, Starbucks has it figured out. They have those red cups during the holidays with tiny white snowflakes, the have seasonal beverages like Eggnog, Pumpkin and Toasted Coconut.

Personally, the sugary (some of those drink have 55 grams of sugar-- in one drink!!) specialty drinks don't call to me like they used to. I want my coffee to taste like coffee, dark and smokey and bold. When I do order a skinny cinnamon dulce latte- I inevitably regret it; the $4.50 that it cost, the sweetness, the way it doesn't taste like coffee. I want to eat my dessert.

Last week the girl in front of me ordered a grande white chocolate mocha. Her total was $5.17. I peeked around to see if she ordered a bagel or something, maybe a bottle of that expensive Ethos water. Nothing. Just one cup of sugary energy. I'll admit to you here what I thought:

Gee, that set her back $5.17! And about 500 calories. I looked up the nutritional information when I got to work that morning. It was actually 470 calories. I'm that person.

Rize (roasting Stumptown coffee) is the best coffee. For coffee flavor, boldness, overall taste, hands down- they are the best. The thing is a small there costs $2.00 and it is a true 6oz. coffee. You walk out carrying one of those Dixie cups your grandmother kept in the bathroom to rinse her mouth out after taking out her dentures. Cost aside the biggest issues for me is:

They DON'T SERVE DECAF. I'm so affected by caffeine and sometimes it's not pretty. I need a half-caf!

No hard feelings to Rize Coffee. I understand that MOST people drink coffee for the buzz, not the flavor, but the last cup I had from there left me doing circles around the reception area like a puppy who needed to be taken outside.

Joe's is good, and so is D'Espresso, I mean Screme, but I just have something for that siren. (And at Joe's you can't really do a half-caf unless your willing to mix two different blends, and I've done it. It tastes gross. And again... I can't do leaded coffee, so unless you have a really good decaf (which most places don't) I'm hard to satisfy. Oddly enough...

Starbucks pumps in that fresh baked Snickerdoodles fragrance. They have that lighting you'd love to have in your own living-room but would never really consider buying; it's too trendy, too much of a risk. They have squishy chairs to sit in and free wi-fi and more than anything it is familiar. You know what you're getting, no surprises.

I don't need to drink my coffee from a ceramic mug. I just need a little jolt; half of what the normal person needs evidently. I'm high strung even at 7:30 in the morning!

Happy November

This morning as I grabbed a few peanuts and candycorn on my way out to the gym at 6:00AM I thought about what would be the best place to hit up the after Halloween candy sale....

But then I thought better.

Also, if you haven't yet tried candy corn and dry roasted peanuts together- do it. It's a perfect mix. I used to love hitting up Target or CVS for after the holiday candy sales- especially Easter..... But this is not as easy as it was when I had a car, which is probably a good thing. Although I have been considering a trip to the Target on 116th street for a couple weeks now.

Shopping at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond and the flagship Food Emporium underneath the Queensboro bridge makes me feel somewhat normal. I get to push a shopping cart. The aisles are wide and the ceilings are high. Space is nice. Although sometimes when I'm shopping in Target on top of Costco, on top of Old Navy I swear I can feel the entire infrastructure move. Hello, I'm swaying in the wind in a cement box the size of a city block.

...

Today is the first day of Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month...) and it's been beckoning to me. A couple years ago I participated and wrote a 50,000+ word memior. And never edited it. Nanowrimo is truly a fiction writing event- for any and all sorts of fiction writers, which I do not consider myself. I could just write to write. Or I could give a big ole brave effort at writing fiction for a month.

I just have no plot in mind. No climax. No characters that I've been dreaming about for months. I consider myself a prose writer; a creative non-fiction writer. BUT maybe I should stretch my muscles just to see what I'm capable of. Who knows.

...

There was frost on the pumpkin before November 1st this year and I'm fearful it's going to be a long five months until April. Especially since I've already dawned my parka! In our apartment, all of the fleece and cashmere and wool and thermals are out of there Rubbermaid containers. I've said goodbye to my ballet flats and haltertops and sundresses that I don't feel like I got to wear enough.

This week I'm getting all those wool winter skirts laundered and buying new tights. Chris has moved our bicycles to storage (ie his office at the church!) and has found his skiing gear. I guess winter is coming ready or not. I do always love this time- fall and the holidays.

It's February that I'm thinking "It'll all be over soon." And in March when I'm thinking, "Springtime, now that's when it'll warm up...." And in April when there's still snow on the ground that I'm wondering, "Why do I live here again??!" That's when I've really had my feel.

But not yet. There are still trips to be taken, family to see, evergreen scented candles to burn, cards to be mailed, pumpkin spice things to eat and carols to be sung.