Ready or Not

It's been a full week. Even when I had intentions of saying something, anything, I did not. I feel like I'm settling into the calm before the storm. Because, trust me, I know it's coming.

Some things I've been thinking about lately:

Like, wondering if I'll ever have a good apple ever again. Because I'm seriously beginning to doubt it. Apples in Texas are tasteless compared to the off-the-tree, unheard of varieties I grew accustom to. Having said that, I've had some amazing cantaloupe already this season (not local, but from the Texas valley). So, there is that I guess. I've been a fruit mood; blueberries, grapefruits, watermelon. Apples- all too often fail to perform.

As of yesterday I think I finally nailed down a stroller and a car seat. And, I've narrowed in a certain brand of cloth diapers. I know you were concerned... This, in order to divert my mind from thinking about decorating a baby room. I have decided I sort of need to embrace the fact that she is coming. She will be here in four months, and I sort of need to DO some things. It helped that my sister texted me last night asking about baby shower dates and place. "Great," I thought, "we have a hostess." So, there's that whole registering thing....

Maybe it's because I'm 33 and not 23. Or maybe it's because, I'm me. But frilly, lacy dresses and pink baby bedding and monogramed EVERYTHING, do nothing for me. Not to be unappreciative, but expensive, name-branded baby things are not first on my list. My babies room doesn't have a theme. It's just a room. With an old twin bed that was my great-grandfathers. A rocking-chair that my mom rocked me in, a small chest of drawers that was my fathers.... Nothing fancy. It does need some rearranging, a crib, and some things hanging on the wall. But we'll get there.

And we've settled in with some old names for our baby girl. Traditional names. With the ten names we have we are always rearranging them some sort of way. Dorothy. Camille. Elise. Eloise. Madeline. Margaret. Jane. June. Adelaide. Abigail.

Some of the names that either one or both of us liked early on that got scratched: Victoria. Fiona. Lydia. Olivia. Eliza. Rose. Genevieve. Naming a child is hard. I don't feel like I'll really be able to give her a name until she's born. That's just me.

I'm still feeling well, besides lower back pain that won't go away, despite walking daily in a humidity so high I can feel the air envelope me like a warm tortilla. ((GASP))... I stretch, I sleep correctly. I try to get up off my butt at work every once in awhile. My chiropractor says it's too early to be pregnancy back pain. Thanks... Next week is my 24 week appointment with my midwife, so I'll see if she has any insight.

It's so humid and hot a the real feel outside is closer to 97 degrees than the 87 degrees that it actually is. So, doubt I'll be doing much of anything this weekend besides eating sorbet and dreaming of floating in a swimming pool. It's First Monday time (already)... And it's Fiddler's Reunion in the town I grew up in. Both are outside events that mean more sweat underneath my boobs than I'd like. Did I really miss this heat? What was I thinking??

Holiday Weekend

Memorial Day weekend. No plans. On Facebook I read about everyone else's plans: that's depressing. In NYC many folks head out of town early Friday and return late Monday night, which leaves the city to us less fortunate folks. It's a quiet weekend- parks are less crowded and the weather is finally warm. It's really the calm before the storm thought: summer tourist arrive June 1st and take over.

Here, in Texas, it's all lakes and boating and water skiing and pools opening for the season. I'm not really a laker or a boater or a "let me get in my swimsuit and layout by the pool all day" sort of person. So summer pretty much sucks. Oh, that's right it's summer eight months out of the year here.

We have no real weekend plans, and let's be honest, since Chris' full-time job right now is job searching, every day feels like the weekend. I get it, I've lived it. We will spend time with family, his and mine. Possibly visit friends in Tyler. Maybe go to brunch. Trip to the farmers market? Softball playoff game?

I bought some more books on Amazon: Hypnobirthing and A Mother's Heart. Seriously, all I do is read. Although, last night after reading, and playing fetch with Bella, and making some really good guacamole and a Mexican inspired bean salad, I made a pallet on the floor and watched one of those great Instant Netflix movies: Margin Call. Actually it wasn't so bad. And it was nice to get out of our How I Met Your Mother and Rules of Engagement rut. Although, we like those shows.... Of course there's always Cheers, Frazier and my new favorite, Call the Midwife. I did get into Ally McBeal one summer in NYC when Chris was gone for weeks. It was sort of weird watching something that came out when I was in high school, but I didn't know it existed then.

Hopefully, it won't be so hot that I'll be stuck indoors reading and watching TV all Memorial Day weekend. Summers in unofficially here, let the dog days begin.

All Over the Place

While contemplating what in the world is newsworthy enough to share with anyone this week, I've decided to share a couple of excerpts from two books I'm currently reading, BUT FIRST:

Friday night I decided to delve into an experiment on duct tape and wart removal. I have a wart on my finger. First it was a blister that I didn't take care of properly from a hot oven. Then, a wart. After three trips to the dermatologist it's still there. And vicious. I really don't want my baby girl to see me with warts. So, following the advise and expertise of my sixteen-year-old brother, I'm trying to remove my wart with duct tape. Hot pink duct tape. After a friend at church commented on my big silver finger last night, she kindly directed me to the Dollar General where they "sell all sorts of colors and even zebra print duct tape." $3.50. Cheaper than my co-pay at a dermatologist (if I had insurance right now). That's me: pregnant and uninsured. Nightmare. God Bless!

The only other thing new in my world is left hip/ back pain. I hear it gets worse. And I'm doing chiropractor treatments when I can $. And I go walking before work, but the 70 degree low for the day (mixed with the humidity and pelting sun) is already really sort of warm. Or maybe it's just me. And there are all those stretches and yoga poses that are supposed to help....

I know we were under a tornado watch Tuesday night, but I decided it would be an ideal time to pain my toes one last time. I even announced to Chris that this would be the last time for the next four months that I paint my own toes. And lets be honest, since I'll be wearing flip-flops seven days a week, and crushing my toesies with an extra blah-blah pounds by July. I'll pay someone to do all that business for me.
....
From Birthing Normally by Michel Odent MD ( a borrowed book from my midwife)

"The majority of women seeking natural births in the United States today are already well aware of the emotional and spiritual aspects of such an experience. However, few give the physical experience of birth the attention it deserves. Without the body experience, birth becomes an unnatural or anesthetized experience. For this reason, integration of the physical into the psycho-emotional aspects of pregnancy and birth should be emphasized.

Being able to feel ourselves as sexual, as connected to our bodies and to feel ourselves as physical strength in the form of muscle and bone, creates in us a sense of trust in our bodies. One goal is to develop within the pregnant woman a sense of trust in her body and to deepen the trust she already has. She will then be able to believe in her body process as labor unfolds rather than be frightened or alienated from it."

From Sparkly Green Earrings by Melanie Shankle. (Fast read. Funny. When I read books like this, I think, I could write a book. Then I wonder if I really want to write a book....)

"I think it's important for you to know that there was a time in my life when I seriously considered adopting any potential children I might have. Not out of any sense of compassionate obligation, but because I thought the best method of childbirth might be to completely skip the whole birth part of that equation and go straight to the precious little bundle wrapped up like a burrito.

There are women who want to experience natural childbirth, but those are probably the same women who run marathons. I am not one of those women. I believe in the miracles of modern medicine, and that includes epidurals. Which is why one of the first questions I asked my doctor upon finding out I was pregnant was "How soon can I get the meds?" When he encouraged me to write an official birth plan, mine was a single piece of paper with "EPIDURAL!!!!!!" scrawled in large letters with a sharpie pen.

Honestly I longed for the good old days my grandmother told me about when a woman would go into the hospital to have a and wake up two days later with memories of vague hallucinations and a child in her arms. But apparently that option is not longer available, thanks to the marvel of medical advances."
.....
So, that's that.
....
I promise my next post will be a little bit more put together. Cohesive. Well prepared.

Maybe.

Even When

While my hemline may not be creeping up, summer sure is! Although I do confess to wearing some pretty short maternity shorts around the house and to water the flowers and play fetch with Bella out in the yard. However, I think the heat and humidity are getting to her too. After only a little running and playing, that puppy is off in the shade panting on her side. I concur. 

Chris says I keep the house too cold. Already. It's not even June and I have four more months of pregnancy to endure. Not the greatest time to be pregnant, but not exactly planned. All I can think about are those endless summer days that everyone in Texas kept complaining about two years ago when we lived in NYC. "It's been over 100 degrees for 50 days." "Sixty days." "Eighty days....." 

Then, "It's been over 100 degrees for 100 days straight!" 

Yeah. I get it. You win, Texans. You win. It's freaking hot here. Why did I come back to subject myself to this misery?

I know Manhattan was hot, and humid, and the weekend we moved (our first apartment) into our second floor, walk-up apartment it was 97 degrees in NYC. No a/c in the building.... But the Texas sun, I feel like I'm in Mexico; my skin turning to a crisp just from walking from my car into the building. 

Our last summer in NYC there were several days which the temperature rose over 100 degrees. There were threats of another blackout. Chris was out-of-town. I refused to ride the subway and walked everywhere, for fear of suffocation. I was trying to avoid a panic attack and mental breakdown. Even when waiting for the bus, I'd stand inside the Duane Reade, pretending to shop for magazines until I spotted a bus.

It was the same weekend I headed upstate for a prayer/  meditation retreat, which, I thought, would give me some relief. Until I had to take the crowded 5:00 rush-hour Amtrak train- that was not running the a/c- to conserve energy. And the old nunnery turned Christian campground- yeah, no a/c there either. Only a ceiling fan in my tiny room. I slept on top of the covers in a t-shirt. 

The way it feels in Texas already, I'm wondering how I'm going to make it through this summer without wearing only a t-shirt out of my house each day. 

Enough about the weather.

I usually don't blog on Sundays, but find myself with time and desire. I've been trying to take advantage of my down time these days. Sleeping, reading, baking, spending time watching movies on the couch with my husband (side-by-side time, we call it). 

I've been asking God to help me submit to his perfect plan for my life. To wait well. To stand on His promises and not doubt His sovereignty.

I can feel this little bubble of life kicking around inside of me. Punches and jabs popping in my belly and this is what I remain hopeful for. That God gave us this blessing and He'll continue to provide. When I want to give up- I can't because I already feel like someone else is dependent on me. On me hanging in there and being faithful and expecting Bigger things. 

Even when I get in my car on a Friday afternoon and the ignition won't turn. Even when I wish so badly for my husband to get a job- and the phone doesn't ring. Even when people who said they'd show up they don't and I'm left doing it all alone. Even when I don't get paid for another two weeks. God will make a way, he actually already did.

One Step at a Time

Happy middle of the month. I feel like these days are flying by. Am I seriously five months pregnant? I feel like 9 months is a very short amount of time to prepare for a change like, oh, someone coming to live with you forever. And they are completely reliant on you. AND, getting them here, it ain't gonna be so pleasurable, actually it's going to be the most painful thing you've ever experienced.

I find myself reading so many books on preparing for labor and birth, when after that 12-24 hour episode is over, I have 18 years I need to prepare for. We leave the birth center 8-10 hours after our little girl arrives... THEN WHAT?!

After avoiding the two questions on the paperwork our doula gave us to fill out, I finally sat down yesterday with "What is your vision for this birth?" and "What are your expectations for your doula?" and scribbled some thoughts into a spiral. I just want to get a happy, healthy baby girl here without going completely ballistic or having one massive panic attack or ever saying, "I can't do this..." So, I wrote out my dream birth scenario:

To deliver at the birth center without transport and without medical or psychological intervention
To stay present and work with what's happening naturally
To remain calm, emotionally strong and not panic
To remain confident and trust my body as strong, healthy, able and resilient

Yesterday I found this horrible website managed by people who are against homebirths. Scary stories. People stating terrible things. I guess there are people against/ promoting anything out there. And the Internet is a wonderful platform to speak your mind....... It's just hard when you are a perfectionist and you want to do the right thing,(because there is only THE right way- right?) the very best thing for your unborn baby to  insure everything will be okay. But there is no guarantee. Ever. Life and death will come to us all- in it's own time and a lot of things will seem unjust.

So, we will make the best decisions we can. We will do what we feel is best us and our birth experience. There are just so many things, decisions, procedures that I never knew about until I became pregnant.

• Silver Nitrate for the babies eyes immediately after birth
• Shot of vitamin K after birth
• Rh- testing (which I am....) and the decisions surrounding that during pregnancy and immediately after birth
• Group B strep testing and antibiotics

(Because we are not birthing at a hospital, we can make our own decisions regarding several standard hospital procedures.)

And I keep reminding myself, Stef, this is just the beginning. Forget what do I feel about immunizations and what will I feed my child and are antibacterial products safe to use??!!! My child is going to hurt, sooner or later. I'm going to hurt because she hurts. And I can't protect her from everything.

Plus, there's picking out the safest car seat and a stroller we'll actually enjoy and use. And where will baby sleep??? Rock-n-play, Pack-n-play, co-sleeping. A friend said she put baby in the crib from night #1.... What's a mom to do?

I can only make informed, well thought out decisions. I can pray for the best and know, ultimately so much that I'm trying to control is really, out of my control .

It's a GIRL!

We found out the sex of our baby during the sonogram, BUT chose to keep it a secret until we could share with our families first. Mother's Day they got to nosh into pink buttercream filled cupcakes.

 

 

 

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

 

 

Me, Mom and Chrissy on Mother's Day

 

 

My youngest sister had to work on Mother's Day. So- here we are together at the Dallas Arboretum.
Yes, I do have a dad. And a brother and also a husband, but they seem to

usually be MIA when the cameras come out!

Sneak Peek!

look a that sweet, sweet yawn

We got a sneak peek of our baby on Wednesday. Amazing. Simply amazing. Hearing the heartbeat at each midwife visit has been the highlight of each month, but seeing this baby kick, flip, suck it's thumb and yawn. Yeah, I'm pretty much ready to meet this new person.

Although, twenty more weeks is required - not only for the health of the baby, but so that we can prepare!!! Weighing in at almost 15 ounces, baby is measuring perfectly right on track for twenty weeks. It was miraculous to see that tiny heart beating as it should be at 133bpm and view each of the four chambers. We got to see baby rub it's eyes, in that way that sleepy babies do, and stick out it's tongue- practicing swallowing as it has just learned.

I know we were all born, but the entire process leaves me speechless. It's a miracle any of us are here, really...

Anyway, we did find out the sex of the baby, but are keeping it under wraps until Mother's Day when we will tell our moms (and our immediate family members) with a cupcake reveal. Yes, we decided to stuff cupcakes with either blue or pink icing and let our family members discover the babies sex while noshing through chocolate cake. Yummers.

Into Mother's Day weekend we go. Only two more days that I have to try and keep my mouth shut. Referring to "it" instead of he/ she is NOT so easy these days. So, I just try not to talk about my baby, or my most recent midwife visit, or the baby's room or anything at all....

My mom bought me this for Mother's Day. Isn't it lovely? Motherhood........ ((sigh))
Yikes.

Happy Weekend.

Half Way There... (and living on a prayer)

So many emotions and feelings and thoughts run through me on a daily basis. Really, from one hour to the next I might feel extremely blessed, overwhelmed, underprepared, angry, frustrated, gratitude, underappreciate. It's exhausting. Moving back to Texas combined with establishing a new norm and finding community and preparing for a baby, and trying to find jobs- it's a lot.

 I'm sniffling through a bout of spring allergies right now. What first started as a runny nose and sneezing, turned into nightly drainage and crusty nose, now, I have a cough. And I’m drug free, so I hope it runs its course pretty quickly. At least I haven’t suffered any headaches since all this started last Friday, so maybe the pressure is finding a way out. My pregnancy headaches, severe at times, concern me- except that my blood pressure is still low- normal 92/60, so I guess I just have to deal with them. Tylenol, which is the only thing I can take, really doesn’t help and I don’t want to take it daily.

 Other than headaches, I really have no complaints at twenty weeks, none of that other pregnancy stuff you hear so much about: hemorrhoids, heartburn, constipation, varicose veins, swelling. None of it yet...  I could still eat a burger, daily. And I work diligently toward those 100 ounces of water and 100 grams of protein each day. I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually gotten there, but I try. This week, I’ve enjoyed Russian red kale, arugula, spinach, tuna stuffed bell peppers and spaghetti made with canned tomatoes from the farm! No more aversions, yay. I’m back.

 Tomorrow we find out the sex of the baby, assuming all goes well. This will be our only sonogram since they are not routine for midwifery practices. THEN, we want to tell our mothers first, on Mother’s Day which will mean keeping this big mouth of mine shut for three days. Maybe I should just stay home.

Today I wrote my last journal entry without knowing whether or not we are having a boy or a girl. I know a lot of people wait to find out, but we just wanted to get to know our little baby a little bit more. We wanted a reason to celebrate. And, I know the day of their birth I will be so happy to meet him/ her that I would probably not even think to ask about the sex.

 A lot of the time I think I am such a mess. I am so not ready for this. I mean, I know I can do it, it's just I'm pretty sure my world has not been rocked to this degree ever before. Marriage. Moving to New York City. Getting published in Chicken Soup for the Soul the first time. Getting a tattoo that lasted three hours for the second time. These pale in comparison to bringing a child into the world. And it's coming ready or not!

Chit-Chat

If we were chatting over coffee today (Ok, no coffee for me. I haven't drank a cup of coffee in over three months.) these are some things I might tell you about. Today. You know, it's what's on my mind, today.

Wednesday afternoon it was too warm for me to go walking. The temperature hovered around 82, but it felt more like 88 and the humidity is already unbearable to me. Yesterday, it was too cold for me to go walking. And windy. And rainy. What gives around here? I believe more and more there are really very few days that are perfect outside days here in East Texas. Another oddity, I think, is that people here wear Uggs. Why do people here even own Uggs? I lived in the Northeast for six years and survived without them. Today's high, of 62, is not exactly Ugg weather, nor do I find it that cold... but the wind screeching by at 20mph will keep me indoors.

Another thing, that I think is completely underrated, like Whitney Houston's album, "My Love is Your Love" are hot grapenuts. I grew up eating hot grapenuts and introduced them to my husband when we were on the farm. It's pretty much all he eats for breakfast now. I will tell you how to make them perfect.
1. On top of the cereal in the bowl, pour just enough milk to cover the grapenuts (This is the part I do well. If you put too much milk, then it doesn't all absorb.)
2. Heat in the microwave for one minute. Take out and stir. It may need a little more time, depending on how much grapenuts you are preparing.
3. Then when it's nice an hot and ready to eat, add some butter and a little honey. Delicious! Completely underrated.

Yesterday was an eventful day in our home. One where Chris did not get to eat his grapenuts for breakfast. He had an interview in Tyler for an Assistant Principal position at 9:00am. Baby Bella (our 6 mo. old puppy) was headed to her big surgery at 8:00am. And, "the guys" were headed to our house to investigate the hot water heater leak we've had since Sunday.

Bella did fine, although she vomited after her eight mile car ride home yesterday afternoon and didn't budge all night long. Poor girl. She just stayed curled up on her mat next to our drier. This morning I treated her with some goose liver pate (spoiled dog) only because it's going bad. And only because Chris won't eat it. Her tail wags now and she moved to the couch, but the leaping and bounding has ceased for a few days I'm sure.

The hot water heater was completely replaced. Which was an all day affair from what I understand. Chris ended up helping out with the process when he got back home. I won't get into the details here about the joys of living in the parsonage (and yes, there really are some) but I'm telling you, if it's not one thing around that house, it's another. Dishwasher, water lines, washer/ dryer connections.

...

I haven't talked about it a lot here, but Chris is job searching. It's character building. It's faith in action. It's living out what you say you believe. Some days are harder than others. Yesterday's interview went well (one hour and forty-five minutes) and we continue to pray that God will provide the perfect position for him.

We have to assume that He hasn't forgotten our needs. His promises remain.

"Keep in mind that the LORD your God is the only God. He is a faithful God, who keeps his promise and is merciful to thousands of generations of those who love him and obey his commands." Deuteronomy 7:9 (GWT)
 
This weekend:
Waffle Breakfast at the First Methodist Church to benefit the Family Peace Project
Farmer Market (the first one of the season, kicking off the weekly markets through summer)
Visit the Cedar Creek Brewery. Not for tastings, but because I'm doing a story on the location for June's edition of Fly the Flag.
I had planned on going to First Monday.... but I'm thinking that it may not fit in this month.

Friends Like That

Monday night Chris and I had dinner in Tyler at the Stockhammer house, some of our dearest and oldest friends. Even on the drive from Athens, I looked forward to the laughter and stories we'd share, just in the few hours we'd have together. I've been in need of a laugh or two.

It had been over a month since the four of us had been together, and that can be a really long time when you like people as much as we like the Stockhammers. In the years we've known each other so much life has been lived. Like the time the four of us lived out of my Nissan for a month and traveled from Montana to Utah to Yellowstone. I think we were all sick of Subway and each other (a little) after that. But the next week Chris and I left for NYC, so I think we all just forgot about it and remembered the good times.

We lived in New York City for five years.
The Stockhammers moved to Austria for one.
Then they had a baby.
And we lived on an organic vegetable farm.
And they had another baby.
We are expecting our first now (due the same week as their last little girl, exactly a year apart)
AND the week we found out I was pregnant
They bought their own restaurant.

I'll never forget on our wedding day when I saw Christoph for the first time, looking all dapper in his tuxedo, not in his usual chefwear. I said, "You look nice." He says, "Not as nice as you...."

Over some delicious turkey burgers topped with avocado and provolone we talked about the new restaurant, Chris's job search and the best way to move an upright freezer. Portobello's, zucchini, and tomatoes right off the grill steamed on my plate. It was a simple dinner, but filled up my belly and my spirit.

Seven month-old Micha noshed on avocado and Tessa and I gobbled up every last piece of watermelon. (I've really had this thing for fruit lately, yum!)

After dinner and loading the dishwasher the men moved a big screen TV into the bed of Chris's truck and a freezer in the Christoph's garage. The ladies took the hot pink Hot Wheels out for a spin around the block. Well, one of us did. I pushed Micha, wearing her big floppy hat, in her stroller behind the toddler and Lora and I talked more about our week. And I hate to even admit here that yes, indeed we did talk about nursing bras, Moby wraps, and strollers.

It's good to have friends like that. We can always pick up where we left off.

We can be ourselves- our tired, worn out, frustrated, not-so-perfect selves.

Lora gave me this necklace on my birthday, it is called Anticipation

I absolutely love it and wear it every day.