One Step at a Time

Happy middle of the month. I feel like these days are flying by. Am I seriously five months pregnant? I feel like 9 months is a very short amount of time to prepare for a change like, oh, someone coming to live with you forever. And they are completely reliant on you. AND, getting them here, it ain't gonna be so pleasurable, actually it's going to be the most painful thing you've ever experienced.

I find myself reading so many books on preparing for labor and birth, when after that 12-24 hour episode is over, I have 18 years I need to prepare for. We leave the birth center 8-10 hours after our little girl arrives... THEN WHAT?!

After avoiding the two questions on the paperwork our doula gave us to fill out, I finally sat down yesterday with "What is your vision for this birth?" and "What are your expectations for your doula?" and scribbled some thoughts into a spiral. I just want to get a happy, healthy baby girl here without going completely ballistic or having one massive panic attack or ever saying, "I can't do this..." So, I wrote out my dream birth scenario:

To deliver at the birth center without transport and without medical or psychological intervention
To stay present and work with what's happening naturally
To remain calm, emotionally strong and not panic
To remain confident and trust my body as strong, healthy, able and resilient

Yesterday I found this horrible website managed by people who are against homebirths. Scary stories. People stating terrible things. I guess there are people against/ promoting anything out there. And the Internet is a wonderful platform to speak your mind....... It's just hard when you are a perfectionist and you want to do the right thing,(because there is only THE right way- right?) the very best thing for your unborn baby to  insure everything will be okay. But there is no guarantee. Ever. Life and death will come to us all- in it's own time and a lot of things will seem unjust.

So, we will make the best decisions we can. We will do what we feel is best us and our birth experience. There are just so many things, decisions, procedures that I never knew about until I became pregnant.

• Silver Nitrate for the babies eyes immediately after birth
• Shot of vitamin K after birth
• Rh- testing (which I am....) and the decisions surrounding that during pregnancy and immediately after birth
• Group B strep testing and antibiotics

(Because we are not birthing at a hospital, we can make our own decisions regarding several standard hospital procedures.)

And I keep reminding myself, Stef, this is just the beginning. Forget what do I feel about immunizations and what will I feed my child and are antibacterial products safe to use??!!! My child is going to hurt, sooner or later. I'm going to hurt because she hurts. And I can't protect her from everything.

Plus, there's picking out the safest car seat and a stroller we'll actually enjoy and use. And where will baby sleep??? Rock-n-play, Pack-n-play, co-sleeping. A friend said she put baby in the crib from night #1.... What's a mom to do?

I can only make informed, well thought out decisions. I can pray for the best and know, ultimately so much that I'm trying to control is really, out of my control .