Way Out There

So much is changing in my world. In the next thirty days so much more will change. Currently, we are in the middle of boxing up and giving away and sorting and cleaning. Every day is filled with activity as we anticipate our move in only a couple of weeks.

If you missed the news, Chris and I are leaving the Upper East Side of Manhattan for a barn apartment in the farm country of upstate New York. It's no Texas, but it is a wonderful opportunity. My daily routine is going to change. My attire and lifestyle and habits will all become completely different. Oh, and we bought a car!

Reading Jen Hatmaker's "7" combined with this huge life change we are in the midst of making has really got me thinking about simplifying and how I spend my time on so many trivial things. We are a country of consumers. We are a generation of people who don't know where avocados come from, or how to change a car battery, or have the ability to label every state in the US. World Geography: forget about it. It's pathetic. We are forever dissatisfied and have the attention span of a fruit fly. But we know everything and "we are the best."

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Saturday Chris and I boxed up all of our books, most of our kitchen items, and about half of our closet. About halfway into the day our landlord called and wanted to show our apartment to about five prospects. And we were about to head out the door to go look at a car that was in Staten Island. Staten Island is further than New Jersey. And there is very limited public transportation. It's the pits. There is a reason neither of us had ever been there prior to Saturday.

The landlord was warned about the condition of our little space and agreed to come on Sunday. Not that this helped any.... But we were able to push everything to the sides, piling it high, and make a little valley for possible tenants to walk through. (We really really want our place to rent soon. We've never had such a vested interest. Our landlord agreed to let us pay two more months rent, instead of four. Our lease isn't up until July BUT, if Mr. & Mrs. Smith want to rent in April 1st- yes! YES! All the better!!)

Oh, and we did get a car. Not the one we look at on Staten Island on Saturday, although it was tempting. After making the commute via train and taxi and ferry and car service, we sort of wanted to drive away from the place in a new vehicle. Unfortunately, we got to do the the same commute again in reverse and got home after 8:00pm.

During times like this Chris and I just laugh and are thankful to at least be together. Walking in snow flurries and 20mph winds, under-dressed, in the middle of freaking Staten Island we found a smallish bodega to wait for a car to come pick us up. This is what you do in NYC, call strangers in town cars to drive you to and from the closest public transit stop. Standing in the bodega we shared a beer and a bag of pretzels and laughed at our situation. Grateful that this sort of living is almost behind us.

On Sunday we bought a car from a friend at church who was selling his recently deceased father's 1999 Buick Century. It's no farm truck or old jeep, but it'll do. It's a blessing to us and to him- so, Thank you God, we'll take it.

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In between the cardboard boxes and last days in my button up blouses and final dinners at our favorite places I'm thinking about how much slower my days will be on the farm. Living in a barn apartment for eight months, wearing the same work pants and boots everyday (yes, I ordered some), doing hard, physical labor --- while exciting, these things are completely opposite of the life I now lead. And that makes me a little nervous.

I finally shared the news with my office and today someone says to me, "How are you going to survive out there?" (I'm thinking... oh, we have a stipend and our housing and food are provided...) Then he adds, "Just live off the land or what?" I am pretty sure he meant, How are you going to survive? What are you going to do without cable TV and bars and restaurants and yoga studios and bakeries and Thai food that can be brought to your door at midnight and lots and lots of people? I'm pretty sure that is what he meant.

Bless his heart.

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Hang with me hear- I read this in "7" and found it so powerful. I read it aloud to Chris and made my co-worker read it today. It is my heartbeat in this season of life, so please, indulge me:

"What I know now is this: less. I don't need to have the most, be the best, or reach the top. It is okay to pursue a life marked by obscurity and simplicity. It doesn't matter what I own or how I'm perceived. Whether I succeed in the market or land hopelessly in the middle is irrelevant, although this used to keep me up at night.

I'm just beginning to embrace the liberation that only exists at the bottom where I have nothing to defend, nothing to protect. Where it doesn't matter if I'm right or esteemed or positioned well. I wonder if that's the freedom Jesus meant when He said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 5:3). In order for Jesus' kingdom to come, my kingdom to come, my kingdom will have to go, and for the first time in I think I'm okay with that."

Good Lenten reading, y'all!

A Forty Day Journey

I have never taken note of or even recognized Ash Wednesday until I moved to New York City. I think there is a real boiling down here of what matters, what doesn't, what you believe, and that even though we may be Baptist or Lutheran or come from a Catholic background- we are all the same.

After discussions and sharing and open conversation I realize the thoughts and stereotypes and misconceptions I've often believed simply are just wrong. I've assumed things without truly delving into the topic, amongst those who claim to be Methodist, Protestant, Church of God. It's mainly the Protestant faiths that are high church that intimidate me. The church I grew up in was also used as a gymnasium. On most Sundays reverence, tradition and practices from the past were not mentioned. Liturgy? What's that?

In the coming weeks the book 7 is going to make radical changes in my world. Also in the next forty days I'll be moving from New York City to a small farming community in Easton New York. Within the next month my life is going to be turned upside down. I'm in the process of packing up boxes and labeling them Farm, Texas, or Give. Pretty much everything I've worn in the past 30 days I will not need at the farm. I will not need my jewelry trunk or toolbox full of makeup. And I have lots of this stuff. It makes me feel very ungrateful and wasteful as I'm faced with the reality of how much I have now and how much of it I will NOT be needing for the next nine months.

I think it's because our apartment is so small, but I'm constantly reminded of the amount of stuff we have (and when I compare myself to everyone else, I fell like I have very little!....Yikes). It's not like most people who have closets they don't use in bedrooms they don't use and they can pile stuff in there never to be seen again. Clothes that are too small or too big. Things bought on sale and never hung or displayed. Christmas decorations. Easter decorations. Valentine and Fall decorations. This morning as I pushed aside my black coat and my shorter black coat and my puffy black coat and my khaki coat to get to my white coat I was again reminded of my abundance.

This is what I'm hoping to give up for Lent:

Abundance. Excess. Indulgence. And I'm asking the Holy Spirit to just nudge me away or toward or in the direction I should go. There are no hard rules, "No Sugar" "No pedicures" "No buying things on Amazon" just an acute awareness that I need to take better care. And sacrifice.

So, no eyebrow threading, which means, no eyebrow threading before I leave NYC. And I canceled my 60 minute personal training appointment that was only going to cost me $60. (Hey, that's half price!)

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On my Yogi teabag this afternoon "True wealth is in the ability to let go of your possessions."

God's going to get his point across one way or another.

Fat and Happy

......"I'm doing this for a reason. This is a fast, a major reduction of the endless possibilities that accompany my every meal. It is supposed to be uncomfortable and inconvenient. Not because I'm a narcissist, but because the discomfort creates space for the Holy Spirit to move."

Jen Hatmaker "7"

Today is Fat Tuesday. Happy Fat. Happy Binge.

Last year was the first year I ever acknowledged, participated in or even observed Lent whatsoever. I went to an Ash Wednesday service at a local Catholic church - literally one block over from the Baptist church I attend. It was uncomfortable and weird and nothing like the services I attend each week, but I appreciated the tradition and the reverence and the peacefulness of it all. It was a necessary sobering. It was just different.

This year the Baptist Church I attend is actually going to hold it's own Ash Wednesday service at 7:00pm tomorrow night. There will be communion and prayer and readings. There will, indeed, be ashes as well.

As I prepare my heart and look toward tomorrow and the next forty days of Lent- I struggle with what exactly it is I need to sacrifice this season. I feel like I need to lay it all down really and wait patiently in prayer as I ask God what I can pick back up again. I guess my depravity is being brought to light and it's okay to be reminded. I need to be reminded, as long as I don't go to the extreme opposite end and begin to wallow in my self doubt and the fact that as long as I'm in this flesh I will not ever be completely whole.

My focus needs to be on Christ, not on myself. Not on what I can give up or get rid of or do for Christ. It's about emptying myself so that there will be space for God to move. That in the voids and gaps and sacrificing God can speak truth into me. Teach me something more about himself and about where he's leading me during this journey.

...

As my life continues to prove that my likes and personality and friends and books and classes and education are all intertwined and are very much a part of my character... Chris bought a book on Amazon called "7" and gave me a quick Readers Digest synopsis. Then I read about the same book and the same author on two of the blogs I frequent. So, since I like these bloggers - even though I've never met the girls themselves- based on their comments and the fact the book was sitting on a shelf in my home, I thought I should give it a read. I like it when my personality and writings and musing and habits and hobbies all sort of mesh. It's reaffirming to me as a person that I'm not a complete mess!! There is some order in there somewhere.

This book is really good stuff. Eye opening, heartbreaking, honest-filled stuff. This book convicts, and I'm only just starting Chapter Two.

Jen has shed light on our ungratefulness, indulgences, excess, wastefulness and gluttonous in America. It was also earth shattering to hear that I am among the top 1% of wealthy people in the world. I make more money than ninety-nine percent of the world y'all! I live in the richest city in one of the richest (if no the richest) country in the world. This book has already rocked me deeply as we head into the season of Lent.

"On the way to contemplation we do the same thing Jesus Christ did in the wilderness. Jesus teaches us not to say, "Lord, Lord," but to do the will of his Father. What must primarily concern us is that we do what Jesus has bidden us do. Jesus went into the wilderness, ate nothing for forty days, and made himself empty... Of course, emptiness in and of itself isn't enough. The point of emptiness is to get ourselves out of the way so that Christ can fill us up. As soon as we're empty, there's a place for Christ, because only then are we in any sense ready to recognize and accept Christ as the totally other, who is not me." Simplicity, Richard Rohr

One more month

I think after the first year in NYC, maybe after the second, we sort of knew we wouldn't be here forever. It's just never felt like home. You get that feeling about places, if you've moved alot. However, even then we loved the city, we new we were called to be here and so we stayed. We would stay for as long as we were supposed to, be it ten years or fifteen years... We would endure during the frustration and difficult times because we knew, we know, that this is the place for us during this season.

But now, this city girl's life is drawing to a close. And it is bittersweet, really. I mean, the grass is always greener and all that, but faced with the reality of going, I'm gonna miss the life I've come to enjoy in such a place as this. But, the pace that once energized now seems to drain. The never-sleep part of this city is no longer fun, but leaves me faint. Crowds and people and feeling apart of something larger than myself honestly scares me on days. It freaks me out to think that over 66,000 people live in each square mile of Manhattan- speaking over 800 languages. It's sort of like when I was eight years old or so, and tried to comprehend the concept of eternity. A breaker trips in my mind somewhere and my breathing becomes shallow. Things like this are not meant to be thought too much about.

I never thought when we did leave Manhattan that we'd be moving North, but that is exactly what we are doing. At least for eight months. Chris and I have accepted a farming apprenticeship thirty miles northeast of Albany at a farm in Valley Falls which is in Rensselaer County. There are farms everywhere in the surrounding counties. Old farms. Old farmers: some with new ways, some hanging on to methods of the past.

I will box up my 3" heels and pencil skirts sometime between March 15th and April 1st and put on my Hunter boots and overalls. (Ok, I have no overalls, and I just ordered my Hunter boots--- but I'll get some farm clothes or some of these city clothes will quickly become farm clothes.) At the farm Chris and I hope to learn all we can about an entire season of farming. From seedlings, to weeding, to harvesting and organic methods of getting rid of aphids. All this in the hopes of starting our own farm in the near future, perhaps somewhere in The South. This farm has a 200 member CSA and also sells produce weekly at a Farmers Market. Chris and I will be involved in all aspects of the day-to-day tasks around the farm. And we'll be living in the barn apartment.

The barn apartment is not as bad as it sounds, having seen pretty ridiculous living conditions in NYC. It's spacious. It's clean. It's fully furnished and FREE. We'll be working for our rent and a fair monthly stipend. All we need now is a pick-up truck or some reliable mode of transportation for putting around on our days off. And yes, we do get one day off a week! Plus all the beets, Swiss chard, kale, currants and potatoes we can eat. Farmer Thomas grows over 70 types of foods: sustainable, organic farming.

At the farm there are also donkeys, chickens, two big dogs (I'm preferential to Molly the mutt.), indoor and outdoor cats - who are all named after poets, (Oscar Wilde spent about an hour in my lap, so we're already friends), sometimes ducks, sometimes pigs, sometimes honey bees. We do realize that the lifestyle we will be living is in direct opposition to the life we now lead.

I will be doing manual labor in the sun for nine hours a day, not sitting on my rear end underneath florescent lighting. There will be no need for makeup or jewelry or hairspray or plucking my eyebrows. Life will be very, very different. But I know the air will be fresh and the sky will be vast and my skin will be clear. I'm looking at this as an eight month detox from city life- because that is what it is going to take me. Anxiety, fear, being pushed on all sides and rushed and crushed and feeling deflated. Yeah, I'm ready to leave!! But I realize it won't be a stress free vacation--- it's going to be hard demanding work.

Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.

Moving On, Moving Out

Let's just say, hypothetically speaking of course, I left apartment 3S New York, New York. In so many ways I think I'd absolutely love it. Obviously on this side of the Red Sea all I can think about is open space, cheep rents, driving a car, Target, silence, and normalcy. You know, all those things.

But when I'm face-to-face with the reality of going one day. Of moving. Of circling a date on the calendar and looking forward to packing and moving and heading out, I'm pretty much stricken with the sober reality of how city-fied I am.

What would it be like to not put on the full face everyday: eye brightener, eye-liner, bronzer, mascara..... for starters? Cause I like makeup. And where will I wear my 3" heels, cute platform boots, red velvet shoes or my ballet flats? I think I'd just pretty much live in Converse and flip-flops.

I complain of over-stimulation and I feel the pain of it all, but is the extreme opposite honestly what I crave? Solitude? Stillness? To be a contemplative?

There will be no need to thread my eyebrows (or anyone who's even heard of eyebrow threading for that matter). No need for wide belts or cute leggings or patchouli oil when your not leaving a twenty mile radius and there are more cattle and chickens on that land than people. However, I'm sort of attracted to the idea of less people and more livestock.

But I am girly I like fancy things and lip gloss and switching purses to match my shoes and wearing dainty necklaces with little leaves or birdies. I like hosting baby showers and holiday parties and making berry covered desserts and big bowls of salad and using my pastel colored serving trays. I get acupuncture once a week and have several specialists in the line up of physicians I see. What will I do without vegan bakeries and vegetarian restaurants and coffee shops open seven days a week?

It's okay to miss a place like NYC, but it's also okay to long for elsewhere. Just because this does not feel normal does not mean that The City wins and I couldn't cut it. A new season will begin soon. A season of growing- literally and figuratively.

Proverbs 20:24 A man's steps are determined by the Lord, so how can anyone understand his own way?

The Good Word

This is what I'm presenting Sunday during church. Our worship director and pastor have been intentional about having scripture presented and read during each service. In addition to bringing Truth, it provides a, sometimes creative, way to read scripture.

Sometimes there is simply one reader, sometimes four, sometimes children recite or there is a congregational response.

This Sunday, I'm reading from The Message (not my favorite version of the inspired Word of God...) and it's a pretty tough word to hear. Last night I had a quick rehearsal with our pastor and worship director and the overall consensus was- and I'll willingly admit- that I sound angsty and edgy. Too edgy, too "in your face." I think the words themselves will convict enough that I don't need to add my own emphasis.

So, instead of hollering "Sinners!! We're all sinners" at the top of my lungs, I'm imagining myself sharing this with a young child, or a youth, or my little brother--- who could learn from all the mistakes I've made. I want so badly for him to recognize Truth for Truth and believe even when it's not easy, and especially when it's unexplainable.

It's a hard passage to hear and absorb but it does ultimately bring hope. That's the real message here: Hope. It's not meant to condemn.

Luke 6:37-45

Listen to the words of our Savior, as recorded in Luke's gospel

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults- unless, of course, you want the same treatment.

Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang.

Be easy on people; you find life alot easier. Give away your life; you'll find life give back, BUT not merely given back- given back with bonus and blessing. Giving- not getting- is the way.

Generosity begets generosity.

He quoted a Proverb, "Can a blind man guide a blind man?" Wouldn't they both end up in the ditch?

An apprentice doesn't lecture the master.

The point is to be careful who you follow as your teacher.

It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own.

Do you have the nerve to say, "Let me wash your face for you" when your own face is distorted by contempt?

It's this "I-know-better-than-you" mentality again, playing a "holier-than-thou" part instead of just living your own part.

Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

You don't get wormy apples of a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It's who you are not what you say and do that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.

The Word of the Lord

Catching Up

I realize I've been silent for awhile. So, I thought I'd post and say, I'm alive and well. Things are great, actually, as Chris and I dream and prepare and wander through life together.

I'm not sure what it is but perhaps I needed a bit more than my normal "half-caf" this Monday morning. I did get my eight hours last night and had a pretty lazy Sunday afternoon- but these bright florescent lights are killing me right now. I wish I could dim the reception lighting and I'm seriously considering some preemptive Advil very soon. One hour of endorphins and eight ounces of coffee into my day, and at 11:00AM I'm ready to call it quits!

I've been reading reviews online on NPR, Amazon, goodreads and adding books to my list at NYPL.org. There is so much good literature out there: fiction and non-fiction, self-help and research, poetry and the classics. I almost started making a list of books I'd like to get my hands on soon--- but decided that I have enough on my plate already, as I'm looking for the right time to start The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. And yesterday when I saw a preview for the movie Hunger Games I thought that I'd really like to read the book. The images from the movie piqued my interest.

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So, I have been reading and I have actually been writing too, just not blogging. Sometimes, what I'm going through and experiencing I feel more comfortable putting in my spiral notebook in stead of online (go figure!). Some things need massaging and pondered in a way that pen and paper can do much better than keystrokes. Not that my life isn't terribly interesting--- BUT, the main focus of my life right now is pretty much consuming my brain's capabilities to think elsewhere. And, I'm not ready for full disclosure....

As we tumble into the second week in February I'm extremely grateful and forever commenting on this mild winter. I love it. Compared to our first winter here when I constantly said, "If it's going to be this cold it might as well be snowing..." now I'm crossing my fingers that March will be here before we know it. Not that March guarantees that we are home free or anything (it's snowed in April before), but I will be fine if we don't see inches of snow accumulation this winter.

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This past weekend was the Superbowl, which doesn't mean anything to me really, except that I went "in" on the game at work (which is 100% based on luck and has nothing to do with team stats or anything like that) and I watched in the hopes of winning some money. Surprisingly enough, I did not. After returning from the gym yesterday afternoon, I roasted some broccoli and carrots which I served to Chris with two slices of leftover pizza. So much for potato skins and cheese dip- I splurged on a bag of jalapeno popchips and kindly told Chris that if he wanted buffalo wings, he could order some.

I'm so grateful for a husband that doesn't crave ESPN and sports center. Not that football or baseball every now and then are bad, it would just be so annoying all that clamoring and chatter and nonsense about stats and players and historical game facts. I hate that sort of talk-- "yada, yada, yada...."

So, yeah, we watched the game. I worked on my Valentines in-between commercials.

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My quads and glutes are sore from the new plie-like lunge I'm doing. I don't think I'll ever master it, or that it will ever become easy; sort of like lunges and squats. I pretty much hate doing it. And I still hate trying to hold plank, although at least I'm trying now, even if I'm still trying to reach 30 seconds...

Just like I'm still trying to work on that iron level and that vitamin D level. I had more bloodwork last week, so I'm hoping for better results. Not much else new, I cut Chris's hair for the second time and felt a bit more confident, even if I did have to stand on the shower ledge to reach the top of his head.

I got a new Camelbak water bottle (for free with my online vitamin order). Not that I had a problem drinking lots of water before, but now- with the straw, wow I gulp down my water. I learned quite quickly that I have to cut myself off at night. After the first day with my new water bottle I *think* I had to get up three times in the middle of the night. I say think because I don't really remember--- this is not a good thing---. Let's just say that I remember waking up most of the night (from the hours of 11:30-3:30) with a full bladder thinking I really need to get up... Because I don't like sleepwalking or wetting the bed, I've decided to not risk it anymore and put my straw away by 7:00pm.

Nothing too exciting, hu? Perhaps I'll bare my soul sometime soon.