Spillage of the Heart: January 2014

Thursday, January 30, 2014

A Place For Me

Wow, how the past four months have flown by. And yeah, what everyone told be beforehand was true: the first two weeks are killer. Exhausting. Tiresome. It's all a big huge blur. I'm sure anyone who talked to me and/ or saw me during the first two weeks of Camille's life would tell you that I looked like death warmed over. I was living on adrenaline.

Not that I'm not tired now, but at four months old this girl has her own personality and we are in such a routine now. I'm also pretty sure she's figured out that she's here to stay (no going back inside that warm, safe womb) and that her mom and dad are pretty much her world for now.

I'm trying more to focus on me now. What's next for me? I'm home with little miss every day, but I know God still has a plan for my life. Right now our only routine is attending MOPS Bible study every-other Wednesday for a couple of hours. Additionally, I joined a group of ladies who meet for a weekly home Bible study on Tuesdays. Camille just tags along. Childcare is provided at the home study, but she's so small just stays with me. Plus, who doesn't LOVE a baby, right?!

...

I'm struggling right now with how I should lead and where to get involved. The entire time we've been back in Texas I've been pregnant and now, a new mother...

I'm feeling like I'm wasting the talents I have and don't know where to get plugged in. I'll be honest, I hate the worship program at our church. I tried to get involved in the choir... and quickly gave up on that. (See previous post about my aversion to doing things half-ass.) As I mentioned in my most recent post, I've tried to just wait it out... maybe we'll move. Maybe our church will find a new pastor soon. Maybe someone will ask me my option/ advice/ to help... But, I know God doesn't call us to wait, he calls us to action. I know that.

I invited six ladies my age, some married- some not, some mothers- some not, to my house last night for fellowship and Bible study. One showed up. I'm not taking this personally, really I'm not. I hardly know these people, much less anything about their faith, background or personal story. I'm just trying to build community. To be real. But it seems most people want to keep religion/ church/ God/ the youth ministers wife at a distance.

So maybe a home study isn't what I'm supposed to lead, but I know that people here, at this church (just like any) need somebody. Need support. Need another person their age to say, "I care about you. God cares about you."

So for now I pray. Pray for the broken families and broken people in our church fellowship. Pray for the many, many who drop their children off each Sunday/ Wednesday and go home. I know they think church isn't for them. So, I want to show them that while church may not be their thing, God might be. I want them to know I'm a real person, with flaws, a past, sin in my heart and I care.

I don't know... I'm just ready for community myself. Which is why the MOPS... and the home study... (all of these faces and women are new to me... they don't attend my church and it's been refreshing just to talk to other women my age!!)

Chris and I are singing this song Sunday morning. A cappella. I'm good with the song... I just wonder "who's going to hold my baby?" Just kidding. Sort of... She's with me each morning during church. Sometimes we make it the entire way through the service. Sometimes we don't.

I want so badly to shake the foundation of our little, country church. It's boring, y'all. It's old. There's no one like me at this church because people like me don't go to this church!! I know it'll all work out, one way or another, but we are on staff here. They provide our housing, I can't just up and go to a church down the road (and there are ALOT of them).

So... Pray. That's what I'm all about these days.

I'll leave you with this lovely photo from 2009. Chris and I wearing his shirt:

We came across this picture in our iPhoto Library last week. He still gives me grief about making him get rid of this shirt. Really?!

Additionally, why, oh WHY did I think I was "not small enough" way back then? Size 4/6 isn't small enough? Really?! Cause I'd give anything to fit comfortably into my size 8's these days. I was tiny. I wish I could have seen it then... BAH!!!

Ephesians 3:14-21

¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father^[a] ¹⁵from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named. ¹⁶I pray that He may grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power in the inner man through His Spirit, ¹⁷and that the Messiah may dwell in your hearts through faith. I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, ¹⁸may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, ¹⁹and to know the Messiah’s love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

²⁰Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us—²¹to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

2014 Update

Camille, 16 weeks old

I'll admit this week I said aloud, to Chris, "I don't know if I'm going to blog anymore..." The real reason being it's not exactly where/ what I want it to be. And I know that this problem is only going to bother me more the more my daughter is awake and moving and needing more and more of her mommy. But Chris replied, "You can't do that, they'll miss you." Not really sure who "they" are. You know, the ten of you who read this... But, I'll keep writing for now.

I hate doing things half-ass. I hate being a part of something that is half-ass. But, I know this is just a simple blog. An outlet. You must like seeing pictures of my daughter and hearing about my little ole' life from time to time, so...

I'll give you a quick update:

I joined MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and quit my job (officially) two weeks ago. I really enjoyed getting together with other stay at home moms of young children. It was the FIRST time I have left Camille (for two hours!) with someone besides Chris. There were only two children in the nursery and after I quizzed the poor girl, I felt pretty okay with the idea. Besides, it's a faith based organization. The meetings are held in a church. I was four doors down... Not exactly "gone." Camille and I both did fine. She slept the entire time and woke up hungry about ten minutes before our meeting was over.

Although it's January (albeit in Texas) we are able to go out to the park once or twice a week and walk. I enjoy getting outside and know this Spring and Summer will be so much fun - with a big girl. Crawling, interacting, walking!

I'm not sure if she is teething or not... but, I'm using homeopathic teething tablets and drops to try and combat her fussiness. She is a happy baby overall. Refuses naps from time to time, but for the most part she's well rested and alert. She does love a crowd and watching everything going on around her. If she's fussy at home, I go over to the loud crowded gymnasium at church on a Wednesday night and she's immediately as ease.

We still use the Moby carrier (at church and out shopping) and have recently introduced the Ergo, which she initially resisted. In is an inward facing carrier and she does not like being kept away from the action. However, she is now tall enough to peek over the top and seems to be okay. She sleeps very well in the Ergo, which makes mama happy!

I still LOVE my cloth diaper stash and have no problems with them. Although I thought I'd use them 100% of the time, I do use disposables when we leave home and at night. (I haven't found a cloth diaper that will last all night, but I haven't really researched it much. She's still sort of tiny for many of the diapers we own. And I'm sort of okay with this arrangement.) If I know I'm going to have to change her I'll leave home in disposables.

Church- cloth

Errand to grocery store- cloth

Over to grandmas house- disposable

MOPS- disposable (I know other people may not appreciate my desire to be green and save money!)

All day shopping outing on New Years Day- disposable

Even though we did use alot of Newborn disposables and still use them from time to time, we have not had to buy any thanks to baby shower gifts and gift-cards!

While it was my desire to join Weight Watchers again (lost 30lbs in 2007), I decided - with Chris' help- that I already know WHAT to do, and I just need to do it! So, I'm trying to be diligent in this weight loss effort. I fear that when I DO finally get to where I want to be (like January 2015!) I'll be trying to get pregnant again...

I've prayed about started a Bible study in my home during the week. Not sure what it would look like... but it's something I feel is needed for ladies 25-40ish. Sometimes I think I should just jump in, and other times I feel so overwhelmed with the idea and trying to find people (drum up interest) that I just want to leave things as they are. "Who Cares?" and indifference.... NO!!!!!

I enjoy seeing my mom and dad with Camille. They LOVE that girl. And I'm grateful to be close to family so that aunts, uncles and grandparents can visit (and we can visit them) often.

Christmas break flew by and it was so nice to have Chris home with us.

She's changing daily. Developing. Growing. Learning.

Camille LOVES her rubber bunny!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Four Months Old

LOOK, who's four months old today!

Camille likes tummy time now. She can roll (and roll and keep rolling) and holds her head up pretty well on her own. She has found her voice and likes to "sing" along at church and when music is playing. Music is a huge part of our lives. And, she likes to talk!

She is still exclusively breastfed, but Chris did give her a bottle (of pumped breast milk) one Saturday while I went to the park to walk/jog. She took it so easily. First try... I have to admit it made me sad.

She puts everything in her mouth and loves her chew toys. AND- I am repeatedly told how she looks like her daddy- which is true. BUT, she LOVES her mama!