Just Plain Beat

This weekend was just glorious- as far as needing a cool, yet sunny couple of Fall days to stomp around NYC. It rained all week and I desperately hoped for some sunshine for my friend's 48 hour visit from Texas.

We hit the ground running Friday night and kept going until Sunday afternoon when she headed to the airport. It was "quality time" as she called it. "Each moment counted!" And I am so thankful for her brief stay with Chris and me. It meant alot, especially since her cute baby girl had to stay at home with Papa (& what a Father he is for entertaining a 1 year old for a couple days- impressive, no doubt!)

(Pics and stories from her visit later, for now... I'm going elsewhere.)

So, I'm learning some things about myself that are simply freeing to realize. I mean often I start to wonder "is it just me" and "is this normal?" It is good when you read and hear and experience and it sort of validates all the mayhem in your head. Even though I still haven't figured out how the homeless lady (the one with the "bad heart" remember her?) outside my office building has a cell phone-- does anyone else see this as odd?

First, feeling sad, angry, frustrated and tired are not bad things. These are not negative or wrong emotions; they are simply emotions. Dealing with them and recognizing and telling others, "Hey, I'm just really pissed off right now" is not a bad thing. It's not. Without recognizing it, writing it, singing, running, and talking my way through it I'll just continue to drown in it all. Suppressing what needs to come out leads to mental constipation. Acting and truly believing it will just all "go away" doesn't mean it will, and as a matter of fact- what seems to happen is that something (When I've forgotten what the real issue was...) continues to gnaw at me and angst covers my skin like a dewy mist that I can't get out of and I just feel sick. I don't even realize that I'm doing it to myself.

For so long I just thought by trying harder and praying longer and realizing, "he did not give us a spirit of fear, but of peace and love and a sound mind" and wanting to feel different would actually make me feel different. But some things just need dealt with.

I know that wearing myself out is not what God intended for me. It should bring me joy to serve Him and not make me bitter. Boundaries are important- and so is stretching myself and I'm learning the difference in the two.

I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin: with who I am now, at 30-years-old. There are some things (many things actually) that I can not control, I can simply react, act, move forward or stay stagnant. I can chose to grow through the rocky places I'm trying to climb ever so slowly over- or just sit down and cry. Even though there may be tears in my eyes I will keep moving forward. Even if I have to Be Still in order to Move Forward (which is an idea I am trying to wrap my go-go-go brain around).

It's okay to feel beat, just not beat down. I'm thankful for people who love and support and pray and write and call and let me bury my face in their laps and find rest.

Moving On

So, I've pretty much done everything to avoid writing today including: writing all those emails I've not had time for, read everyones blogs that are listed on my blog, looked for the perfect photo to include on this blog, made a dermatologist appointment, canceled an optometrist appointment, hand wrote two note cards and made a list of things to pick up on the way home from work.

Seriously, what is the deal. Chris says to me just last night, "You need to blog." To which I responded, "I don't have anything to say." What I meant was, "I don't have anything that a. I feel like posting on the Internet, b. is uplifting and joyful and funny to say, or c. I can wrap up in 500-1,000 words, put a pretty bow on and feel satisfied leaving for all eternity here, for all to see."

So- I'll just start:

Tuesday was The Chambers fourth anniversary. It feels like four years, honestly, it feels like fourteen years, but that is because we have dated/ been in love (although on-again off-again) for half our lives already. That is insane. Most of our married lives we've lived in NYC- which is also sort of off, being that we are really two of the most Earthy, hippie, dirt loving people I know. It's hard to think about my life before this man, I mean, most of my memories include him- which is sort of nice.

I celebrated by not going to yoga Tuesday night at 7:30pm. We tossed around the idea of going out to dinner; somewhere near our place, somewhere different and quaint and not too far from home. But, by Tuesday morning when we exchanged handmade notecards (yes, we are talking arts and crafts projects here) we had pretty much talked ourselves out of going out to dinner and decided to stay home and cook.

We all know that Stefani is a foodie through and through, but Chris is really getting experimental in the kitchen. Just this past Sunday afternoon I stopped at the Farmers Market on our street to get some apples. Obviously I was allured & intrigued by eggplant, acorn squash, butternut squash and an ornamental pumpkin as well. Walking back toward my building with an armful of harvest, I saw my husband. Buying a lobster. ((Sigh...))

Really. Motorcycle- I get it. Leaving our wedding on a motorcycle- done. Cross country on a motorcycle- yes. Learning to surf- worthwhile endeavour. Living in the back of a Volvo for a summer- why not. Just seeing how long ones hair can get, curls and all- okay, sure. Randomly cooking a lobster for lunch on a Sunday afternoon- just another adventure, right?

So, while I waited on my butternut squash to cook in the oven, Chris steamed a live Maine lobster in a big pot on the stove. Adding this to the mussels, escargot, and scallops he's made this summer alone, I'd say he's come a long way!

So, for our anniversary dinner I made a cornucopia of Fall Veggies in the Crockpot which sort of intimidated Chris and was not as pretty as I'd have liked it to have been, although it tasted wonderfully. I heated some sausage for Chris to eat with it & served it with whole wheat pasta, trying to mask the warm, fallish, nutty flavor a little bit. (I get that it can be too much veggie taste!)

...

And for dessert: NY State apples topped with a wonderful oatmeal, crunchy/ biscuit-y, bread pudding like crust that Chris created himself. Bake at 350 for about twenty minutes and thrown under the broiler for five more, it was delicious. It's amazing what one can create doing a little pantry inventory: flour, eggs, butter, milk, vanilla, cinnamon, oatmeal, nutmeg, honey- a little of some or all of these. It's amazing what one can create working with what they already have.

just a tid bit

“There’s nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."
~Walter Wellesley “Red” Smith

Sorry I've been a bit MIA. One friend emailed and said I'd gone "off the radar" and my husband was not so subtle in his one word email: Blog.

I've been writing, just not on here. It has been a pretty rough life these past couple of weeks.

All this nothing to say. I'm alright. I'm just moving slow. And for all of you who are telling me to, "take care of myself" I am. Initially I had no idea why you were telling me this, but now I know. It's hard remember to take care of yourself when you feel like there is somthing more important that needs to be taken care of. This is not true. I am important.

And, as God would have it, we are currently doing a church-wide study on "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" which couldn't be more aproapriate for me right now. It sucks though, I don't want to feel right now- which is sort of why no blogging. But I can write. I can write something. And I will soon. I can tell you why I like Fall, what we did for our four year anniversary and how excited I am to have a very special Texas house guest this weekend.

More tomorrow. Promise. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.
XO