Motherhood Woes

July 21, 2014

I can't believe it's been 4 months since I last blogged... I mean, I knew I'd not written for awhile and put it aside, for a time, but I thought I'd been more like two months.

Although I said, "the next time this girl naps, I'm napping....!!" She's asleep and I'm writing. I considered a shower and a nap, but somehow I feel like getting these words out will also provide some sort of cleansing. 

I've been mothering a sick kid now for almost a week and it's draining. Not too sick. Not real sick. Just puny and not her happy self. What started as a cough last Tuesday turned into a fever overnight that we just can't seem to shake. And she's working on tooth number six. And trying to walk. So, that's alot for a 19lb girl. I get it. But mamma is tired too!

Last night we went from crib to bed to glider to bed and by 3:00am I was holding a baby girl who smelt of apple cider vinegar and had 102 fever asleep in my arms in the recliner.  I HATE the recliner, but it provided relieve until 8:00am this morning. 

And being congested and feverish causes her to fight naps, or simply demand napping in my arms. On the boob. Gah!

It's almost noon and I'm still in my nursing gown. The ONE nursing gown I own and wash every other day. My hair is matted with infant Tylenol and Ibuprofen, which I HATE to give my child since they have wonderful ingredients like high fructose corn syrup in them. We all smell like peppermint and lavender and she cries like I'm cutting her arms off when she sees the Nosfrida come out... It's just so pleasurable. 

I know these moments are few, and fleeting and overall she is a happy, healthy girl. But on days like today I'm convinced every other mommy is attending mommy and me yoga, or baby music class or strolling up and down there tree-lined street, visiting neighbors for iced coffee at a cafe that is within walking distance. All mamas have wonderful mama friends who are all back at there pre-pregnancy weight and do crafts and have play-dates together. They make lovely rompers for their children out of gorgeous material and feed them only the freshest foods. Right?!

I loves staying at home, but sometimes I wish my ten month old didn't need the boob so often, and for anything from comfort to sleep to nourishment to tiredness. I wish I could have an hour for a pedicure or could hire a babysitter for four hours and just go sit and read and drink a hot coffee while it's still hot. But, this is how we've chosen to raise our child. And, on most days, I'm ok with it. 

Adding to the emotional drama is the fact that yesterday was our last Sunday on staff as PT youth ministers at the church here. So, we are loosing that income (as little as it might have been...) and we have to move out of the parsonage. Sooner rather than later. And that means packing. And moving into a home we've yet to find. With money that we barely have. Joy.

I am very excited about the newness and what God has in store. New city. New church. New growth in our lives and faith. But, climbing that mountain is work.  But the view will be worth it in the end!

My Six Month Old Girl

Real Food

 Camille's first foods- acorn squash and ghee

It's feeling more like spring around here every day.  Although now my car is covered in a dusting of yellow... And I know I'll be griping about the heat soon enough.  But for now, we are enjoying some very nice outside time. 

Camille seems to be growing, maturing, and learning by leaps and bounds now that we turned the six month corner!  She has had her first tastes of foods: acorn squash, avocado and egg yolks. By the way she squeals and acts very impatient during feeding time, I'd say avocado is by far her favorite! She isn't really showing any effort toward crawling, and has just become comfortable on her hands and knees. BUT, she is pulling up now and loves to stand. Not a tooth is sight either. She's almost 14lbs and still in 3-6mo. clothes.

AND, last night she only woke up once! At 2:00am (after seven hours of sleep) she woke up to eat and I was bursting with milk to feed her. I do love nursing!

My days working once/ twice a week are going just fine and Camille does very well. She even naps soundly in her pack-n-play in the dark closet with her sound machine going. (I found an extra sound machine at a garage sale for $1.) 

Sunday we went to the Stockhammer's for lunch (a late birthday get together for me) and I got a food dehydrator!! I'm super excited about making all sorts of dried fruits (without the added sugar or additives) AND fruit leather for Camille in the coming months. 

Outside at the Stockhammer's home 

Camille and the big girls, Micha and Tessa 

Camille LOVES kids and will just talk and squawk and laugh and coo at them.  She had so much fun with Micha and Tessa and would continually laugh and laugh and laugh at them.  Today at Bible study a little boy, Caiden, who always comes over and talks to Camille came up and said, "Hey Camille, it's me again." Kids love babies and my baby is just Miss Socialite and loves kids! 

Yesterday Camille and I went for our chiropractic adjustments... I was in some serious out-of-alignment, which I had been feeling for awhile.  Oh, I just had a rib out of place.... Cause you know, I'm sort of top heavy and weighed down. Doctor Ashley says I need to work on opening up my chest and strengthening my back. Afterward I strolled and Camille dozed through Rose Rudman Park in Tyler.  Even though it's only 25 miles away, living out the the middle of freaking nowhere (where we do) sucks sometimes.

And I think it's because it's all hitting at once, but I feel stuck.  Alone.  Waiting and wondering if we just seriously messed up by moving here and wanting an out.  A new city.  A new job (for Chris).  A new community to belong to.  A new church.

It's been almost two years since we left NYC.  And that is the last place that I felt apart. I know right now I'm going through a new season, of motherhood and curviness and selflessness and joblessness.   I need to sit and BE.  I need to listen and spend time with The Father.  But, I know we were not created to feel so hopeless in our situation.

There will always be struggles and for the Christian, life this side of heaven will never satisfy.  But, we know there is more.  God has more for us than what we are living right now.  And I'm so ready.  There is a reason. And if we continue chasing God, asking Him to reveal His plan, His path, His perfect will... He will do it.

In the waiting, in the stillness- He's here. He's wanting to teach me something even now.  Life is too short to not live in the center of His will.  I want mine to count. I'm tired of churchiness and programs and surface conversations.

Chris was asked to preach Sunday at our church.  I ask him if I could preach.  Or at least testify!!! Oh no, watch out... I'm liable to offend somebody...