Strike a Pose

The First for Women magazine with my photos hit shelves last week! Yay! The photographer was nice enough to send me a link to view all the proofs online. Today, I mailed a copy to my Memaw (pronounced Mee-Mah) and my mother-in-law in Texas.

When I asked my mom if she needed a copy (because I assumed she'd already bought a copy) she told me that she had bought four. One for my dad (who lives in the same house with her), one for my 13-year-old brother (who also lives in the same house) and two for herself; one to take to work and one to leave at home.

This weekend provided the rest and reflection time that I needed. Saturday I went for a run along the East River before meeting some friends for a Spanish inspired brunch- delish. Afterward, Chris and I got massages and headed home, stopping to buy a few groceries along the way. It was a slow day- but nice & with just enough activity sprinkled in. (The kind of activity that fills me up.)

My massage was... interesting. It was more Chinese/ holistic in nature than the more relaxing massages I'm used to. It was therapeutic and less about chilling out. But that was okay, I needed someone to kneed my back like a wad of tough bread dough. It was intense and left me a little sore. That little Asian woman had some unforeseen strength. She swung from a bar mounted above the massage table and walked on my hamstrings. It was odd, but felt really, really great.

My chiropractor keeps telling me I'm loosing the curvature in my neck from all this sitting and typing and leaning forward on my keyboard. I'm trying to be good. It's hard to not cradle the phone and keep typing. Yoga is helping. And, I bought one of those expensive bed pillows that are supposed to help keep your head in the right position all night and help with that cervical curve I suppose.

The thing is I like to sleep on my belly with my arms above my head, even if it is bad for you, even if my arms do lose circulation. I've done really well remaining on my back and side but for some reason I feel so much more safe laying on my stomach. But it's nearly impossible with that darn pillow, so I've started throwing it on the floor in the middle of the night. Even though I know it's what's good for me. Even though I know it's helping me. Even though I know I will probably have a neck cramp and a tiny headache from sleeping on my stomach in a ball all night- limbs all numb and tangled. I'd rather feel safe.

Isn't that how it is in life with most things though? We stay in that safe tangled ball instead of doing what is beneficial in the long run.

Shower Sarenade

Odd thing: About a month ago our building maintenance men cleaned our air duct vents in the bathroom. This is just a routine thing. Next week they are changing the air filters, then later they will come around and clean the drier vents... you know, that sort of thing. The thing is, ever since they cleaned that bathroom vent the sounds from other apartments spill right on through.

Other than these noises, you can literally hear no one or nothing from the apartments around us. Really- thank God for steel frame, 2007 buildings, because when we lived in our pre-war walk-up in Astoria- Yikes! I could tell you what time each night (oh, like 4:00am) our upstairs neighbor came home- wearing heels. I could tell you what the guy next door talked about on his phone conversations. I could hear the parties next door, and the girl who often smoked on her fire escape while talking on her cell phone. Nightmare.

BUT- since moving on up, we hear nothing. Not even the poor colicky baby (who is a year old now) who would scream at all hours down the hall from us. I only heard him when I was standing in the hallway waiting for the elevator and I felt so bad for his mother.

So, in addition to the occasional bark of a dog, or a cough from time to time, in the mornings I can hear singing. There are two male vocalists (not a duet, not singing together, just two people I may or may not hear on any given day)- one sounding more like the music I hear in my yoga class & one singing songs from the Top One Hundred list played on the radio. In all honesty I can not make out the words or the language for that matter, but it's really hilarious. And I have no idea if they are in the apartments above us, beside us or both. If they only knew I could hear them while they are singing all alone in the shower. The one place where you'd think you are truly all alone. But not in this city.

...

In other Friday tid-bits- today I wore my new shoes. Yes, both arrived safe and sound from Overstock.com earlier this week and both fit marvelously! I love fall fashion. Even though I had (perhaps "had" is a strong word) to walk .8 miles uphill in 3" platform booties wearing a pencil skirt that really shortened my gait to the subway this morning- it was worth it. And I'm wearing tights for the first time this season today- 42 degree temps will make you do that!

I spent my lunch hour at Union Square Market - tasting different varieties of squashes, sampling white beets and buying apples. I considered getting some hot pear cider, but decided just to dive right into my bag and have a Honeycrisp apple instead. Yes, I am that person that buys $8 worth of unique, heirloom apples and shares them with co-workers. Oh, well. Better than Friday afternoon snickers bars.

Into the weekend. On the agenda: yoga, brunch with gal pals, massages (for Chris and me), cooking, possibly more yoga & singing on the Praise Team Sunday morning at church-- (ie: 8:00am- 1:00pm Sunday- that is where I'll be, and it is what fills me up!)

Surrounded

This photo is of my BFF from Texas who visited a couple weekends ago. You know, Tessa's mom? (I feel sorry for my friends and family, not only is my life an open book, but, "Hello, I'm going to blog about you too!") Just kidding, I think I do pretty well, don't I?

With my friends visit to NY I got to see the city through new eyes again. It makes me like where I live because sometimes, quite frankly I hate it. We had the perfect fall weekend - cool apple cider, pumpkin frozen yogurt, time spent sitting in Washington Square Park, shopping at H&M and walking the blocks around my neighborhood in Yorkville. It was good fall weather: chilly enough for a jacket in the early morning and evening yet, surrounded by sunshine during the day.

Although I know I've experienced alot during my three years in the city, I feel like there is so much more I want to do and see and know before we leave. Yes, I've won tickets to a Broadway Show in the lottery (front row, West Side Story), been published, gotten (another) tattoo, been a hair model in a magazine, lived in Manhattan, written a novel (that still remains untouched... completed, not finished). I have had the opportunity to meet so many great people from all over the world. But still, there are things that I'd hate to leave the city and never do. Like:

1. Ride a double Decker Gray Line bus- I imagine that the view from the top is nicer than my day-to-day sidewalk view.
2. Go see a jazz musician performance at Birdland
3. Attend a Friday night dinner at Natural Gourmet
4. Shop, eat and take in the real China Town- Flushing, Queens
5. Spend a day in Williamsburg, Brooklyn
6. Bronx Zoo
7. Run the NYC Half Marathon
8. Attend the Christmas tree lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center
9. Stand in line with a million tourist to have pizza at one of those famous NYC pizza places
10. Have my photo made with The Naked Cowboy.
Oh, and 11. Pay to take a nap.

I don't want to leave NYC for about 23 hours out of each day. For that other one, I wonder what the heck am I doing here again? Then I think about the books and the magazine and the beautiful people that surround me and the amazing tattoo artist I discovered and I'm okay. Even though I miss that Tessa & her momma.

Picture It

Well, I've finally, finally moved into 2010-- with my Motorola Droid phone. It's really fancy and has too many options and widgets and gadgets. But, I do like it, my husband did good. I just said, "I don't care, just pick out a phone for me." Even though my indifference really gnaws on him from time to time, he said, "Okay, you will just get what you get."

And that is what happened. All phones are pretty fancy these days. And since we finally left AT&T and were offered the infamous "FREE" phone with a two-year contract deal, then the new phones (Oh yeah, Chris got a new phone too.) were free. Whatever, so here is a picture of me at work taken by my co-worker. I'll work on my phone camera skills in the coming days.

Speaking of, this past weekend I spent hours editing, cropping, resizing and organizing my photos in iPhoto. There are a few things that I take pictures of more often than not. Whether I am on vacation, roaming the streets of NY, back at home in Texas, on the beach, or across the globe-with my camera in hand I tend to photograph these similar settings. I've discovered that there are some "go to" objects/ scenes that I capture. Some I realized, some surprised me. They are:

Produce -(at a Farmers Market) Or, markets in general- but mostly produce & flowers
Bicycles - the rustier the better, baskets on beach cruisers, and bikes with horns
Windows- widows with shutters in all shades, open window, windows that open on hinges like doors, windows with flower boxes, window that I can see in, windows with cats sitting in the ledge
Doors - doors to homes that are red or green or navy, doors with huge fall wreathes, doors that arch at the top, doors with big brass knockers
Trees & Leaves- obviously
Roads- cobblestone streets, brick streets, dirt paths, windy roads
Fences- wooden white fences, iron fences in front yards, rotting gray fences, barbedwire fences

These in addition to the obvious: sunsets, landscapes, beaches, water

I've started catagorizing my photos (which date back to about 2003/4) and I want to establish a creative way to use these pictures. I can only print and frame so many. Notecards? Calendars? Card table vendor at the Union Square Market? I love my photos and I want to acutally see them!

Falling

This is the first Fall, since we've lived in the Northeast, that Chris and I did not get the opportunity to leaf peep. We've gone for three October's in a row - New England, Vermont, Canada- and I have not tired of it. I love the colors of fall, looking out across the rolling mountains and seeing God's creation in yellows and reds and oranges. It leaves me speechless & still (neither of which happen too often). Ah, Fall in New England, so romantic.

So, this year no trip- but that is okay. There will be more trips and more scenes and more life ahead. Right now I'm not going to pretend that I have it all together or that I'm doing perfectly wonderful. And that is okay. You experience life in the pulse of the tide. It comes in waves, and there is only so far that tears and laying flat on your back counting the glittery flecks in your celling for hours at a time will get you.

I cling to what is known, what is routine, what is comfortable & familiar & all that I know to be True. Like oatmeal with a pat of butter, raisins, a few crumbled walnuts and a dollop of honey- warming me from the inside out. I don't want to meet new people right now, I don't want to have to try. I long for my oversized cashmere sweater & favorite ink pen. It's not that I'm experiencing a creative block or am trying to withdraw (although I briefly considered it...). I can laugh, I can have a glass of wine and sing along with Stevie Nicks it's just that sometimes it becomes a bit much. Life doesn't make sence. I don't have the answers and I hit a wall.

Maybe it's just getting more mature but things come into perspective a little more easily these days and I don't take everything so seriously and I don't worry about offending someone by not attending their birthday party at 10:00pm at a drag queen karaoke bar.

The thing is I'm hoping that each time I hit a wall, each time I fall down that I'm learning something. Something about myself, or where I need to grow, or about the God I worship. I hope that I'm changing: stopping to enjoy the mystery of life- the unknown. Even when it hurts. Even when I think that God (if there is a God!) must have forgotten me- because what I'm going through doesn't seem like anything a loving God would ever allow a person to go through.

But that is why silence is important, it seems, when all I know to be true and right feels so far away and shallow. Journaling. Fasting. Praying. Staying in community (with people who, by the way, have gone through: divorce, sickness, death- of mothers and fathers and babies, adultery, weariness, loneliness & real crisis of the heart situations.) And through these things I know- His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. And one day, I'll be able to say, "Remember that time....?" and look back & tell of where I've come.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord?Or who has been his counselor?
Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?
For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
Romans 11:33-36

Threes

I've got to say, I'm really happy with the Fall that we've been experiencing in the Northeast. It's been sunny and "fresh" as my friend said during her visit last week. I considered wearing open toed shoes today, even though it was in the 50's in New York this morning. I see alot of toes walking along the sidewalks, but I just couldn't do it myself. I dawned my camel colored loafers (complete with hosiery socks) and my khaki belted trench coat.

I guess I'm ready & waiting expectantly to bundle up, wear long sleeved sweaters and those freaking new knee boots!! But as my co-worker told me today, "it's not winter yet." I should enjoy these days, instead of anxiously awaiting the the first day I HAVE to wear my peacoat.

Today is my parents anniversary. And last night I dreamed that I lost my engagement ring. What does this mean? In my dream, I was not as upset as I thought I should be, and somehow felt that it might be found, or just show up. I was also mad that Chris just kept repeating, "This is why we have insurance." No amount of money could replace the sentimentality of my dear ring, and I was upset with Chris for not being upset. Poor guy, he was just trying bring some equilibrium, to speak peace into an otherwise emotional wife. And after all, "this is why we have insurance." But then again, I wasn't as distraught as I think I'd be in real life if such a situation occurred- God forbid.

I'm learning in marriage that there is no substitute for time spent together. Even though I'd like to wander through The Mall in Central Park and Chris would like to sit side by side watching How I Met Your Mother, spending time together is something we crave. And, we negotiate- do a little of this and a little of that, when time permits. I don't see how families do it- with more than just the two of them- kids and all that!! I mean between both of us working full time jobs, yoga, P90X (Chris's new endeavour in becoming healthy/ fit/ and -the real reason-Totally HOT!), church on Sundays, Bible study small group, chiropractor visits, trips to the grocery store and all that other stuff that comes up during the week (parties, dinners, returning expensive shoes, dentist appointments, having keys made....) It's crazy.

A friend introduced me to the idea of Three's. Three things in one day- that is it. That is all a person can handle. So far, it has totally worked for me and I've found it to be completely true.

Thursday Three: work, yoga & CVS

Friday Three: work, lunch with a friend & worship executive team meeting

Saturday Three: Yoga (or possibly a run), Chelsea Market, & The Leather Spa

Sunday Three: church, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality study & .... (I have yet to commit in writing to a third, but I am considering a couple options.)

I've asked Chris to join me in going to look for new kitchen stuff at Chelsea Market in a "Can we do this together?" sort of way. We need a new spatula and would like a nice chopping knife & our wooden spoon broke in half last night as Chris stirred in ground Veal. The more time he spends in the kitchen the more gadgets he wants. Well, that sounds wrong, what I mean is you realize how important it is to have good quality cookware/ utensils when you are actually cooking. And I'd really like to get all my winter shoes "winterized" this weekend, polished and water proofed & re-soled if need be.

So, three things a day. That is it. Now, as long as nothing else happens.... we are good.

Harvest Time

Last weekend my BFF from Texas was in The City- for 48 hours, so I gave her a "typical Stefani weekend" and I'm pretty sure she loved it.

These are just a few pictures from our first stop Saturday morning, Union Square Market

I love the rich colors and textures that abound in the market. I never grow tired of going there, seeing the wooden crates, faded grey with time, overflowing with leafy greens and fingerling potatoes.

And with simply the push of a button

These lovely leather boots just became mine. Do you recall the boot drama of last winter? Well, it's time to find the perfect boot yet again. Last year I purchased black leather boots and this year- brown.

So, here's how it all began: $20 off coupon in the mail from DSW. So, yesterday, being Columbus Day and it being extremely slow in the office, I took some extra time and headed downtown to DSW. Of course I should have realized since most everyone else in the city was off work- besides our London, England based company- that DSW would be just as crowded as it was on Saturday.

This did not stop me. I plowed through grey suede booties and Uggs and pointed toe 3" platform heels trying to find something that looked like what I had in mind that fit my narrow foot. It's quite comical actually, and helps significantly to weed out possible options- this thing of me flopping around in a huge boot, and being able to slip my entire foot in and out without unzipping or putting forth much effort.

So, I found some boots that I loved and somewhat overlooked the $150 price tag ($20 off, hello!) and told myself I'd wear them for years as I stood in line.

But last night and this morning as I tried them on with various skirts I realized that these boots were not very versatile and a $150 shoe need be versatile! So, as luscious as they are and as lovely as they smell- those boots will be going back.

So, today I spent way too much time roaming the aisles of Dillards, DSW, Nine West, Nordstrom, and Overstock.com from my desk. I want the perfect boot!! And why do guys not understand that having just one black boot is not enough? Have a casual black boot and a dressy black boot--- still not enough. Having a a casual black boot, a dressy black boot and a pair of galoshes - I'm still not satisfied. So, I found the brown shoes above (that are the same brand as those that I will be returning to DSW) and feel like they will be good with skirts and jeans all winter. They are practical and cute.

But I don't want practical, I want a pair of messy, slouchy cowboy boots (although these are usually way to big for my feet- so I guess that is a good thing) and peep toe heels and animal print booties with big silk laces. These are not practical; these would get ruined in the snow and are not ideal commuter shoes. So, these boots will do. And they are nice.

This was my first purchase on Overstock.com and I hope to be a satisfied customer. Of course I couldn't simply purchase the boots, but threw these cute shoes in my bag as well before hitting "Proceed to Checkout." And I got both of these for less than the one pair of boots purchased yesterday.

Hopefully, these shoes will fit and I will not have to return another pair of otherwise perfectly wonderful shoes. Because I am a little bitter that I have totally lost my $20 off coupon (stupid store policy.They will not let me use the $20 off toward another purchase- which I do not understand whatsoever, but whatever.)

Marching on, marching on...

Just Plain Beat

This weekend was just glorious- as far as needing a cool, yet sunny couple of Fall days to stomp around NYC. It rained all week and I desperately hoped for some sunshine for my friend's 48 hour visit from Texas.

We hit the ground running Friday night and kept going until Sunday afternoon when she headed to the airport. It was "quality time" as she called it. "Each moment counted!" And I am so thankful for her brief stay with Chris and me. It meant alot, especially since her cute baby girl had to stay at home with Papa (& what a Father he is for entertaining a 1 year old for a couple days- impressive, no doubt!)

(Pics and stories from her visit later, for now... I'm going elsewhere.)

So, I'm learning some things about myself that are simply freeing to realize. I mean often I start to wonder "is it just me" and "is this normal?" It is good when you read and hear and experience and it sort of validates all the mayhem in your head. Even though I still haven't figured out how the homeless lady (the one with the "bad heart" remember her?) outside my office building has a cell phone-- does anyone else see this as odd?

First, feeling sad, angry, frustrated and tired are not bad things. These are not negative or wrong emotions; they are simply emotions. Dealing with them and recognizing and telling others, "Hey, I'm just really pissed off right now" is not a bad thing. It's not. Without recognizing it, writing it, singing, running, and talking my way through it I'll just continue to drown in it all. Suppressing what needs to come out leads to mental constipation. Acting and truly believing it will just all "go away" doesn't mean it will, and as a matter of fact- what seems to happen is that something (When I've forgotten what the real issue was...) continues to gnaw at me and angst covers my skin like a dewy mist that I can't get out of and I just feel sick. I don't even realize that I'm doing it to myself.

For so long I just thought by trying harder and praying longer and realizing, "he did not give us a spirit of fear, but of peace and love and a sound mind" and wanting to feel different would actually make me feel different. But some things just need dealt with.

I know that wearing myself out is not what God intended for me. It should bring me joy to serve Him and not make me bitter. Boundaries are important- and so is stretching myself and I'm learning the difference in the two.

I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin: with who I am now, at 30-years-old. There are some things (many things actually) that I can not control, I can simply react, act, move forward or stay stagnant. I can chose to grow through the rocky places I'm trying to climb ever so slowly over- or just sit down and cry. Even though there may be tears in my eyes I will keep moving forward. Even if I have to Be Still in order to Move Forward (which is an idea I am trying to wrap my go-go-go brain around).

It's okay to feel beat, just not beat down. I'm thankful for people who love and support and pray and write and call and let me bury my face in their laps and find rest.

Moving On

So, I've pretty much done everything to avoid writing today including: writing all those emails I've not had time for, read everyones blogs that are listed on my blog, looked for the perfect photo to include on this blog, made a dermatologist appointment, canceled an optometrist appointment, hand wrote two note cards and made a list of things to pick up on the way home from work.

Seriously, what is the deal. Chris says to me just last night, "You need to blog." To which I responded, "I don't have anything to say." What I meant was, "I don't have anything that a. I feel like posting on the Internet, b. is uplifting and joyful and funny to say, or c. I can wrap up in 500-1,000 words, put a pretty bow on and feel satisfied leaving for all eternity here, for all to see."

So- I'll just start:

Tuesday was The Chambers fourth anniversary. It feels like four years, honestly, it feels like fourteen years, but that is because we have dated/ been in love (although on-again off-again) for half our lives already. That is insane. Most of our married lives we've lived in NYC- which is also sort of off, being that we are really two of the most Earthy, hippie, dirt loving people I know. It's hard to think about my life before this man, I mean, most of my memories include him- which is sort of nice.

I celebrated by not going to yoga Tuesday night at 7:30pm. We tossed around the idea of going out to dinner; somewhere near our place, somewhere different and quaint and not too far from home. But, by Tuesday morning when we exchanged handmade notecards (yes, we are talking arts and crafts projects here) we had pretty much talked ourselves out of going out to dinner and decided to stay home and cook.

We all know that Stefani is a foodie through and through, but Chris is really getting experimental in the kitchen. Just this past Sunday afternoon I stopped at the Farmers Market on our street to get some apples. Obviously I was allured & intrigued by eggplant, acorn squash, butternut squash and an ornamental pumpkin as well. Walking back toward my building with an armful of harvest, I saw my husband. Buying a lobster. ((Sigh...))

Really. Motorcycle- I get it. Leaving our wedding on a motorcycle- done. Cross country on a motorcycle- yes. Learning to surf- worthwhile endeavour. Living in the back of a Volvo for a summer- why not. Just seeing how long ones hair can get, curls and all- okay, sure. Randomly cooking a lobster for lunch on a Sunday afternoon- just another adventure, right?

So, while I waited on my butternut squash to cook in the oven, Chris steamed a live Maine lobster in a big pot on the stove. Adding this to the mussels, escargot, and scallops he's made this summer alone, I'd say he's come a long way!

So, for our anniversary dinner I made a cornucopia of Fall Veggies in the Crockpot which sort of intimidated Chris and was not as pretty as I'd have liked it to have been, although it tasted wonderfully. I heated some sausage for Chris to eat with it & served it with whole wheat pasta, trying to mask the warm, fallish, nutty flavor a little bit. (I get that it can be too much veggie taste!)

...

And for dessert: NY State apples topped with a wonderful oatmeal, crunchy/ biscuit-y, bread pudding like crust that Chris created himself. Bake at 350 for about twenty minutes and thrown under the broiler for five more, it was delicious. It's amazing what one can create doing a little pantry inventory: flour, eggs, butter, milk, vanilla, cinnamon, oatmeal, nutmeg, honey- a little of some or all of these. It's amazing what one can create working with what they already have.

just a tid bit

“There’s nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."
~Walter Wellesley “Red” Smith

Sorry I've been a bit MIA. One friend emailed and said I'd gone "off the radar" and my husband was not so subtle in his one word email: Blog.

I've been writing, just not on here. It has been a pretty rough life these past couple of weeks.

All this nothing to say. I'm alright. I'm just moving slow. And for all of you who are telling me to, "take care of myself" I am. Initially I had no idea why you were telling me this, but now I know. It's hard remember to take care of yourself when you feel like there is somthing more important that needs to be taken care of. This is not true. I am important.

And, as God would have it, we are currently doing a church-wide study on "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" which couldn't be more aproapriate for me right now. It sucks though, I don't want to feel right now- which is sort of why no blogging. But I can write. I can write something. And I will soon. I can tell you why I like Fall, what we did for our four year anniversary and how excited I am to have a very special Texas house guest this weekend.

More tomorrow. Promise. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.
XO