Two Months Old

I've finally been able to read Anne Lamott's, Operating Instructions.. and find little jewels in it that I can totally relate to. Her writing is so raw and real, which makes my feelings and thoughts seem somewhat more normal, because at least there is one other person on the planet admitting to feeling these things. It's a perfect read during nursing sessions!

"People kept trying to prepare me for how soft and mushy my stomach would be after I gave birth, but I secretly thought, Not this old buckerina. I think most people undergoing chemo secretly believe they won't lose their hair. 

 Oh, but my stomach she is like a waterbed covered with with flannel now. When I lie on my side in bed, my stomach lies politely beside me, like a puppy."

"Sam (her son) sleeps for four hours at a stretch now, which is one of the main reasons I've decided to keep him. Also he lies by himself on the bed staring and kicking and cooing for fifteen to twenty minutes at a time. I had these fears late at night when I was pregnant that I wouldn't be able to really love him, that there's something missing in me, that half the time I'd feel about him like he was a Pet Rock and half the time I'd be wishing I never had him. So there must have been some kind of miracle. I never ever wish I hadn't had him." 

So, now we are two months old.

She likes bath time (and showers with mom or dad), music, being among crowds and face-to-face time with mom or dad.

She dislikes being in the car, nap time, and footed pajamas! She is so long and lean, when she froggys her legs up she can't get them back down into the leg holes. So she ends up getting both legs in one leg hole OR just screaming her head off. We wear lots of baby tights!
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It's cold and rainy here and probably will remain this way until Thanksgiving. I don't mind the cooler temperature, but the constant steady rain is grueling. Before the rains came it was 70 degrees and Camille and I were able to go outside from time to time.

I knew it would be this way, winter with a newborn. I'm desperate to get out and do holiday things and cook and shop and buy Christmasy things. Like presents... If it can't be bought online, you aren't getting it!! I've also asked my sister to pick some things up for me while she's out in the big city of Dallas.

Did you know you can shop at Hobby Lobby online??! Well, I've ordered over $100 of art supplies, and crafty things and Camille and I will be creating these next few weeks. Hopefully. She'll be offering her foot and hand prints to aid in my creativity. That's about it.

I was sort or seriously considering an "outing" or sorts, since Chris is home this entire week. Like getting these bushy, bushy eyebrows tended to. A haircut. Maybe even a quick shopping trip. The thing is, Camille REALLY dislikes the car seat. When she should be sleeping her eyes are as wide as saucers and her mouth is gaping open and she's just watching the world zoom by at 60 miles an hour. This, in turn, leads to fussiness. For the rest of the afternoon. Yesterday after her 2 month check up she screamed the entire way home. She didn't nap on the way there.... so almost two hours later on the way home?? Forget it. No amount of nursing can make her feel better when she's in these tired fits.

So, I'm driving our new mama-mobile home in the pouring rain. (So new we haven't even made the first payment on it yet....) There's water standing in the road. The traffic is stop-n-go. She's screaming her head off so I have one hand on her face and one on the steering wheel. I'm still anxiety filled from the doctor visit and we just want to be home. (Home is 30 minutes away...) Then, on the winding road closer to home there were two deer standing 5-10 yards off the pavement. Thankfully, they decided not to end their lives that day. I was breaking and praying and thinking, "Really.....?! God, how much more can I take?" (Which, when I told Chris this when we got home replied, "never ask God how much more you can take..." )

BTW Chris has been to every single prenatal, postnatal and (now) Camille's infant check-ups. We are always in separate cars though, because he's coming from work. BUT, seriously he only missed ONE prenatal visit of mine because he was at youth camp. What a great guy!

But now we are warm and home and inside and every time I listen to her cry the entire way home from Tyler, I think, I will never leave this house again. I usually end up crying too and it's just too exhausting.  So, maybe, even though Chris is home, we won't be doing any real outings. No shopping or haircuts or eyebrow waxing.

It's ok. It really is. I know tomorrow she'll be twelve and I'll miss sitting here with her strapped to my chest watching her smile in her sleep.

Growing Girl

(two week old, newborn picture)

Today my girl is two months old. And tomorrow is our two month old check-up at the doctor. I've worked myself into an anxious tizzy over it all.... Vaccines!

I will not use this as a platform to discuss the topic only to say, I don't even know what to believe any more. I've read, seen for myself, discussed, prayed, and called my pharmacist sister every other day for the past week... the only thing we (as mamas) can do, is act on our convictions. Again, DO what we believe is the very best thing for our child.

Currently I feel like my desire isn't a real option. Where I live doctors will not see you if you do not vaccinate. Even if you'd like to wait to vaccinate, you are told, "ok, don't come back until you are ready to get caught up on vaccinations...." Much like the way processed/ fast foods are by far the norm in our society, I think what may have once been a good thing has been taken way too far.

This is why Chris just texted me and said, " I love you very much. I love our daughter very much. Hand God the shots." I have a good man!! Ultimately, my child is in God's hands. I know this is not the last time I will have to remind myself of this.
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A week from today is Thanksgiving. We will be celebrating Thursday with my family, Friday with Chris' family. I am grateful that it has been gorgeous this fall season in East Texas. My short drives around the area have been gorgeous. It's no Vermont or Central Park- but it'll do. For now!

My mom enjoys cooking and will be making everything for our families feast. That's just how she likes it.... For Chris' family gathering I'm making a veggie (opting for roasted brussels sprouts since that is very easy) and a pecan pie. Well, let me be honest, I've asked my mom to make an extra pecan pie... that I'm taking to Chris' family Thanksgiving!!

Camille and I are so happy that Chris is off work all week next week! We have no plans, but I'm excited to get to see my husband before nightfall and perhaps have some help at the grocery store.

Yesterday we tried out our stroller for the first time, just around the house (which is basically the church parking lot). She screamed at first (surprising I know...) and then dozed right off. We bought a used BOB stroller, because I wanted one so badly. I fine just not having a stroller, because paying $350-$450 for a stroller seemed rediculous. Then, we found a used one for $150 which was perfect. Then it had a flat tire. THEN... since she's still an infant, there is a piece that has to be installed so that her car seat can sit securely in place until she's 17 pounds. But now, now we have it all worked out. We are ready to hit the mall or go off-roading.

Happy Thanksgiving- if you don't hear from me before then. But hopefully, you will. And if you think about us say a pray for this mama and baby Camille. Tomorrow is shot day (hopefully done MY way!).

Unicorns and Rainbows and Sleeping Babies

Two posts in two days? What??

Well, as I sit here, darling daughter strapped to my chest, snoozing in her ring sling, I though I'd share a little about how these seven weeks have gone. You know, instead of frantically uploading photos as quickly as I can and not really saying much. Cause that's how much time I have.....

....
Well, that didn't work, as I suspected.

Ok, I'll try this again. I had to quickly abort that last blogging effort to sooth a fussy child. So, I hope to get something legible here, to share, because I'm able to type with two hands at the moment. A luxury that is quite rare for me nowadays.

All I can keep thinking is, "How do people do this with more than one child??!!" This baby requires my attention 24/7 and I don't see how mom's (or dad's for that matter) take care of and nurture and spend quality time with multiple children. Not when it comes to caring for a newborn. Or maybe mine is just high-maintnence. I read a blog by a girl a little younger than me with FIVE children. Her youngest is only a month or so older than Camille. And she homeschools. And her blog is updated... daily. And she's gorgeous and she leaves her home... more than once a week! It's nothing short of a miracle, really

My girl, she's fussy. I mean at first I chalked it up to all tiny, little, infants being fussy. Then, I realized when I'm around family/ friends (those rare moments and those rare friends who actually see us....) they comment on how fussy she is. If she's not at the boob, or sleeping, usually she's crying. Granted, she's still sleeping about 18 hours a day... and she eats 8-12 times a day... BUT, it has only been quite recently (like in the last week) that she'll sit and be content; be in in dad's lap or in her swing or in her bouncy seat. Those people that talked about swings like they were the most amazing inventions,  yeah, doesn't work for my kid. Tummy time...? I struggle to get her out of my arms, then put her in position she's uncomfortable in- forget it. I still try, daily, to get her to spend some time on her play mat, it's getting better.

She likes to be held. By me. Almost all. day. long. It's not the worst thing in the world, I mean, taking care of her is my job right now, I get that. I like that. I'm fine with attachment parenting. It's just that some days I'd like to shower. (Where I can wash my hair and shave my legs...) Or brush my teeth. Or have ten minutes alone with my husband without nodding off in my glider.

I do love this girl, and I knew it would be hard, but every moment of every day is different than it was before she was here. Like yesterday: we went to the grocery store. She's usually wonderful in the car- sleeping OR bright-eyed taking in this big, wide, world, as long as she's not hungry! But, as soon as we got to the grocery store- she wanted to be held. "Sleep in this car seat? I think not!" We didn't even make it through the produce section before she was screaming her head off and I had to pull her out and strap her on to me. Less than a minute later she was all burrowed into my chest and sound asleep.

I have to plan my showers, dinner preparation and trips to the grocery store around her eating schedule, napping schedule and if she's just down right having a bad day. And for us it's like that; some days are good and some days she just wants to scream.

I've struggled with her rate of weight-gain. I've had weeks of green baby poop. I've decided to start pumping and I hate it. I've texted/ called/ facebooked/ emailed those women I know who've been there and love me and care and can just listen sometimes.  I've ignored some advice, taken some others. I've realized this is how I'm going to feel about this little girl forever. It's not going to stop- my level of concern, commitment and wanting to do what is best for her well-being. For the most part, that is how all moms feel. And how we'll always feel about our children.
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I found a group of ladies in the Tyler area (about 25 miles from our home) who meet once a month- Positive Birth Group, Tyler.  They are my community right now and we discuss all things birth and topics related to child-rearing.

I'm reading A Mother's Heart by Jean Fleming when I can pick it up and get a chapter or two in. So far I've really enjoyed it. I'd like to re-read Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott again, because I know I'd see it in an entirely new light.

Overall, I'm glad I did placenta encapsulation. I don't have any previous experience to weigh it against, but I've felt really well. Tired those first ten days- dead tired. Zombie like. BUT, I've not suffered with any other postpartum aggravations. I'd do it again. I know I've said it a million times, but I loved my midwives and my birth experience. Pregnancy and childbirth is not as intense as 18 years of caring for this girl and loving her well. That is stressful stuff!
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Born at 7lb 5oz, Camille was 6lb 9oz at our ten day pediatrician visit,  and lactation consultants came to our house that day. Within a week she'd gained 4oz, but the pediatrician wasn't happy with that and formula was given to us and it was highly recommended we supplement. I bawled. In the doctors office- I lost it. Chris has to complete the remainder of the visit, because I was really upset.
I decided NOT to supplement and continued forward. Marathon nursing...

She gained, but only an ounce or so a week... SLOWLY. I enjoyed working with the lactation consultants and learned a lot from their home visits.

And then suddenly about two weeks ago, she started gaining rapidly. Right now she's still only 8lb 4oz, but I'm happy with her current rate of gaining. And it's been hard. I looked into making our own formula with goats milk. I looked into donor milk. I asked my best friend if I could have the remaining breastmilk in her freezer since her daughter just weaned.  But all's well now... I just had to keep on, despite what others thought.

The one thing people repeatedly tell me is to trust my gut. To listen to my mommy instinct. To be still and quiet and I'll know the right thing to do.

Family Fun

Camille, six weeks old

Last weekend, seven weeks after her birth, Camille got to meet her Aunt Laura Beth. My sister was in town from Amarillo where she's attending Texas Tech pharmacy school. It was a short visit, but for the two days ALL nine of us were able to be together.

Laura Beth and Camille 

Camille and Aunt Chrissy 

Grandma time! Grandma Renee LOVES her time with Camille 

Over the two days we also took a family photo. All of us, mom, dad, me and my three siblings, the two husbands and baby Camille. Family dogs were also photographed... our little Bella didn't get to tag along with us though. Since baby girl's birth she's sort of become VERY second class. She's no longer inside, but spends her days outside where she continues to dig and dig and dig.  She is inside at night though, in the laundry room. It's just too much to corral a puppy and watch a newborn all day.

Camille screamed most of the family photo shoot. We all met at mom and dad's home, even the photographer.  It was a lovely fall day, but,  baby was tired and worn out from the previous day's activities. Being the center of attention is alot of work!

At seven weeks I feel like I sort of know what I'm doing a little better. Sort of. Maybe I just feel more confident in the fact that, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm willing to admit it now. But this whole mom thing is feeling more normal now. Reality is still sinking in. 

I'm still home all day every day with my little girl: nursing, dirty diapers and napping are pretty much what I take care of on a daily basis. Sometimes laundry, sometimes sweeping, sometimes vacuuming- but never all on the same day. If we are feeling really brave we go to the grocery store... 

The days are cooler and I know that we will be spending more and more time indoors as December and January approach. This may prove harder than it sounds right now, but we will manage. Spring will be here before I know it, and I'll have a six-month-old!