Two Months Old

I've finally been able to read Anne Lamott's, Operating Instructions.. and find little jewels in it that I can totally relate to. Her writing is so raw and real, which makes my feelings and thoughts seem somewhat more normal, because at least there is one other person on the planet admitting to feeling these things. It's a perfect read during nursing sessions!

"People kept trying to prepare me for how soft and mushy my stomach would be after I gave birth, but I secretly thought, Not this old buckerina. I think most people undergoing chemo secretly believe they won't lose their hair. 

 Oh, but my stomach she is like a waterbed covered with with flannel now. When I lie on my side in bed, my stomach lies politely beside me, like a puppy."

"Sam (her son) sleeps for four hours at a stretch now, which is one of the main reasons I've decided to keep him. Also he lies by himself on the bed staring and kicking and cooing for fifteen to twenty minutes at a time. I had these fears late at night when I was pregnant that I wouldn't be able to really love him, that there's something missing in me, that half the time I'd feel about him like he was a Pet Rock and half the time I'd be wishing I never had him. So there must have been some kind of miracle. I never ever wish I hadn't had him." 

So, now we are two months old.

She likes bath time (and showers with mom or dad), music, being among crowds and face-to-face time with mom or dad.

She dislikes being in the car, nap time, and footed pajamas! She is so long and lean, when she froggys her legs up she can't get them back down into the leg holes. So she ends up getting both legs in one leg hole OR just screaming her head off. We wear lots of baby tights!
...

It's cold and rainy here and probably will remain this way until Thanksgiving. I don't mind the cooler temperature, but the constant steady rain is grueling. Before the rains came it was 70 degrees and Camille and I were able to go outside from time to time.

I knew it would be this way, winter with a newborn. I'm desperate to get out and do holiday things and cook and shop and buy Christmasy things. Like presents... If it can't be bought online, you aren't getting it!! I've also asked my sister to pick some things up for me while she's out in the big city of Dallas.

Did you know you can shop at Hobby Lobby online??! Well, I've ordered over $100 of art supplies, and crafty things and Camille and I will be creating these next few weeks. Hopefully. She'll be offering her foot and hand prints to aid in my creativity. That's about it.

I was sort or seriously considering an "outing" or sorts, since Chris is home this entire week. Like getting these bushy, bushy eyebrows tended to. A haircut. Maybe even a quick shopping trip. The thing is, Camille REALLY dislikes the car seat. When she should be sleeping her eyes are as wide as saucers and her mouth is gaping open and she's just watching the world zoom by at 60 miles an hour. This, in turn, leads to fussiness. For the rest of the afternoon. Yesterday after her 2 month check up she screamed the entire way home. She didn't nap on the way there.... so almost two hours later on the way home?? Forget it. No amount of nursing can make her feel better when she's in these tired fits.

So, I'm driving our new mama-mobile home in the pouring rain. (So new we haven't even made the first payment on it yet....) There's water standing in the road. The traffic is stop-n-go. She's screaming her head off so I have one hand on her face and one on the steering wheel. I'm still anxiety filled from the doctor visit and we just want to be home. (Home is 30 minutes away...) Then, on the winding road closer to home there were two deer standing 5-10 yards off the pavement. Thankfully, they decided not to end their lives that day. I was breaking and praying and thinking, "Really.....?! God, how much more can I take?" (Which, when I told Chris this when we got home replied, "never ask God how much more you can take..." )

BTW Chris has been to every single prenatal, postnatal and (now) Camille's infant check-ups. We are always in separate cars though, because he's coming from work. BUT, seriously he only missed ONE prenatal visit of mine because he was at youth camp. What a great guy!

But now we are warm and home and inside and every time I listen to her cry the entire way home from Tyler, I think, I will never leave this house again. I usually end up crying too and it's just too exhausting.  So, maybe, even though Chris is home, we won't be doing any real outings. No shopping or haircuts or eyebrow waxing.

It's ok. It really is. I know tomorrow she'll be twelve and I'll miss sitting here with her strapped to my chest watching her smile in her sleep.