New Norm

Early November, Camille was about 6 weeks old

After two glorious days of 80 degree temperatures, it is now in the 40's and tonight is supposed to bring sub-freezing temperatures and ice. Camille and I spent the last three days taking the stroller out - which I desperately needed. Yesterday we even went to the park to walk- a nice change of scenery after doing circles around the church parking lot. Twelve weeks postpartum and I'm still feeling big and squishy. I've got to do something... I'm not sure how much of the 40 pounds I gained I have lost. At our two week check up with the midwives I had lost 20... I may visit that scale again soon- the one at our Birthing Center. Sometime in the New Year. 

The holidays are different this year, mainly because we have a baby! And also because we are living in Texas. We DID live in Texas last year at this time, but didn't have jobs or cars or a house or much of anything... it was still all sort of new. And I was hopeful and dreamy.

And I year later I still feel relatively unstable. Let me explain:

I don't mention this alot on my blog, but one year into life back in Texas and I haven't connected with anyone. I have no people to do life with. No real friends. I AM grateful for my family- who I am very close to and my two friends from high school who have remained in touch throughout the years. BUT my day-to-day, week in and week out, it's pretty much been me and Chris. And now Camille. My friends and family have jobs and lives and school and stuff of their own. They live 30 miles away. I get that. We are all busy. Only now, I'm not, really. 

I won't really get into the membership/ current situation at our church, only say that there is no one there I can relate to. I'm not exaggerating. Plus, I'm not working a job right now. And we live 30 miles from any "town." I miss camaraderie and just being real with folks. 

And at Christmastime I miss NYC. Because that was the last time I connected with people. Maybe the first time I connected with people. I miss our Christmas programs. Our Praise Team practices. Worship Arts meetings. Small group gatherings in peoples apartments.  We all needed each other and had to have each other to survive. I haven't found those people here, but I'm sure I will. I just have to get to that place. 

I know, I'm a new mom and stay home alot and don't want to get out lest strangers approach me and try to touch my babies tiny little fingers. I just feel like I'm still growing. And now my daughters life and future depend on what I show her and how I teach her and the people that are in my life. I wish she could have know my NYC family. 

...

Baby girl is talking more and more and has seemed to finally realized that she's here now and can't go back to the womb. She's a good sleeper at night, waking every 4 hours to eat. During the day she's happy except when she's in the car. Wow, she really hates the car. Yesterday she sobbed the entire way to the park (a 10 minute ride). Tears and all. It was a more mature cry that a baby scream, stopping to catch her breath and cough. Poor thing. 

Which is why I hesitate to go further than a few miles down the road. Tuesday we took Chris to work in the morning (because he was picking up his motorcycle with new tires after work) and I decided to stop at Target. (A spur of the moment decision.) It was 8:00am. The store had just opened, and I thought I could make it work. BUT, I had left both carriers at home and Camille was NOT going to ride in her car seat in the buggy. Forget it. So, I carried her and quickly scanned the Christmas section, got a couple items I needed and got out of there. You know, so I could breastfeed in the car.

I can not tell you the number of times I have breastfed in the car. Already. It's silly, maybe, but it's what I have to do. My friends who say they breastfeed in their carriers and don't mind breastfeeding in a busy Barnes and Noble must have small boobs. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying, my nipples are pretty much pointing to the ground, at my waist. She can't breastfeed in the carrier. (Or maybe I haven't figured it out yet...) And, she's still so little that my boob is larger than her head. I have to help her stay attached. I don't mind whipping it out in public, but honestly, it's still sort of awkward to me at this point. 

So, I'm mommy-ing it. I changed two poop diapers in the backseat of the Rouge yesterday. One required a complete costume change. Poop was in her hair. Then she spit up, on our new seats. The ones we just made the first payment on. Nonetheless, I love this girl. This is my life now. 

I think she's discovered her hands, as she keeps eyeing her incredibly long fingers, like someone who just got a manicure. She's also mastered sucking her fingers and drooling everywhere. She doesn't really suck her thumb, but she can get both of them in her mouth at the same time- and sort of just gnaws. And I too, like so many people tell us, think she looks like Chris. More each day.