Short and Sassy

Camille 10 1/2 months 

Well, I chopped my hair. AND I love it. Chris says I'm peppier and more vibrant, as if my hair was weighing me down. I'm not kidding, that is what he says. With an almost 11 month old underfoot, my stylist (who is also a new mom to two month old Paxton at 36-years-old- yay older moms!!) did a wonderful job. Camille is not still at all these days, though still not walking, so it was quite an interesting haircut experience. She played with magazines and bits of hair on her blanket on the floor. And sat in my lap some too. Always entertaining...

Leading worship Sunday left me with that worship-leading-high. I don't think I'm the only one who experiences this, but after singing on Sunday mornings, leading others to the throne, I'm usually lightheaded and hot and feel like I do after a good yoga class. Camille did totally fine in the nursery and sitting with my bestie Lora. 

This week Chris is back at school everyday, leaving at 7:00 each morning. AND speaking of mornings, I was up and drinking coffee alone this morning, because Camille slept through the night, all night in her crib- 7:30pm- 7:00am! And two hours later she was down for a two-hour nap. She is a growing girl. 

This morning I have pushed a toddler up and down the hallways in our laundry basket. I've talked with stuffed animals, peeled and cut grapes and changed two poop diapers. And, I feel great about my job. I like being with this girl all day every day. 

I've also finally given in and scrubbed both of our bathrooms. AGAIN. I was seriously trying to put off cleaning the tub because we have to move. ANY day now... RIGHT? But, we still haven't found the right place, so I just had to. Soap scum, ring around the toilet, tiny handprints all over the mirrors that will be there again tomorrow. 

We seriously need nothing short of a miracle to find the right place. Renting seems like such a waste of money. Everything (that's appropriate for a growing family) is as much as a house payment: $850-$1,300.  But, we feel sort of rushed and aren't sure where we would like to settle: in town, out of town, this suburb, that suburb (if you call the small communities around Tyler suburbs...) And compared to what we've paid the last THREE years ($0) everything seems out of our price range. Isn't there someone's grandmother who needs someone to stay in her second home and feed the donkeys and goats for $250 a month or something??!

...

This week I think about many of my friends: the one who will sell her business, and the one who will buy a business- quitting her job Friday and starting a new endeavor. A friend on a much needed vacation on the Pacific and a friend who will bury a aunt who was like a mother. I think about a friend who will travel to San Antonio this week with in-laws and cousin's visiting from Austria. 

Last week at Bible Study we made a list of what we wanted a friend to be. I wrote:

To me a friend is:

trustworthy

we have something in common (faith, hobbies, family, interests)

loves me when I'm hurting

loyal

open and honest about their hurts/ pains

shows me the 'real' them

hugs me

texts me out of the blue

really prays for me when they say they will

does what they say they'll do (for me/ with me)

someone I like to be around and talk to 

I'm comfortable being myself around them 

Working toward being this kind of friend. Thankful for the friends I have, near and far.

Falling into a Routine

Summer is drawing to a close, friends. The taste of fall is in the air, as leaves flutter by my window and are starting to pile up in the corners of the backyard.

My little one LOVES the water: swimming, baths, the water hose. Since it is supposed to be in the 100's tomorrow and Sunday splashing in my sister's pool is in store I'm sure.

I'm trying desperately to be intentional with my time these days. Thus the blogging and the reading and the stretching alone in the dark. Chris came into our bedroom one night this week and found me in the floor. "What are you doing? Just enjoying the silent, darkness in pigeon pose?" Yes. Yes I am. It also means toys don't get put away every night and highchairs stay covered in carrots and beets and egg yolks. And there might be a ring around my bathtub.

I am excited about our pending move into the big city of Tyler for a few reasons: I will be able to walk out my front door and go for a walk. (I'm pretty sure I've said this before!!) Either in town or somewhere more rural, I don't care. I just want to be able to go for a walk without driving 15 miles to a park. We live on a very busy Farm-to-market road in Ben Wheeler. A stones throw from the "center" of town. Last night I went to sleep at 10:00 to someone singing (terribly) "purple rain, purple rain...." God help!!! There are two music venues that host various "artists" four nights a week. Although I've heard of some of the people, Ray Wylie Hubbard, Wesley Pruitt and other Texas country singers... most are not so great. Unless your drunk- then evidently they are phenomenal.

I'm also looking forward to just newness and being in town. A new church and new routine (maybe somewhat, for a stay at home mom).

Chris is back to the grind- teacher inservice today and all next week. It's hard when this is not how we saw this time in our lives playing out; we pretty much both thought for sure he'd been in an Asst. Principalship by now. It's been almost two years of searching. But, this is how it is. We don't know why. It's hard for me to NOT be able to do anything when I know he greatly dislikes his 9-5 / M-F and yearns for something more- something he's capable of and just hasn't been given the opportunity. More and more and more we learn it's not what you know but who you know and Chris does NOT play that game well. At all. And Tyler is VERY political. As I guess most larger school district are.

Sunday we lead worship, at a church in Tyler, which I'm very energized about. I just don't know if a three month commitment is smart right now, with our pending move and school starting soon, but at least it's just three months for now. So often we say, "We should have said NO" which is something we are both working on.

Today started with a cup of coffee and a cracked nipple. I think Camille is somehow biting me while nursing, though not intentionally. She has four top teeth now, and two on the bottom! I'm not really sure what is going on, only that I am in pain and don't really know how to remedy it. I want to keep nursing, at the same time I have to sores that are not going to heal staying wet and bothered.

Later, we will head into Tyler. I'm getting a haircut and I'm 90% sure that I'm going to chop it. I've been wanting to for awhile and I like my hair short. I like my hairdresser too, and I trust her. Camille will have the ultimate test of just sitting still through all of it until Chris arrives around 4:00 to watch her. Afterward, who knows... Barnes and Noble? FroYo? Baby consignment clothes shopping? Marshall's? The possibilities are endless when you are IN THE CITY.

Saturday Morning, 9:30am

(Fall, 2008 somewhere in Vermont) 

Psalms 13:1-6

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise; 

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and 

you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 

too lofty for me to attain. 

I am so happy that the heavenly Father provided us with the Holy Spirit, who intercedes for us when we don't know what to pray, when there are simply tears. Or all we can do is cry out, "Jesus help me."

When I look at the bigger picture, the BIG picture, I want my life to matter. I want to make an impact, on someone, somehow. People are dying. Lives are being lost. Children are hungry. People have nothing but the clothes on their back... and I have so much. I wonder how my one, solitary life can matter? What can WE do to change things?

Overwhelmed at times, I don't know what to pray for, or how to pray in these situations. It seems like praying for a better job for my husband or a new home are quite selfish. When I realize the majority of my thoughts are wrapped up in loosing this baby weight or what color to paint the bedroom or buying birthday decorations- I am slapped in the face with the reality of how minimal my "problems" are. I am blessed. I am not facing death for my beliefs, or homelessness, or starvation, or sickness...

God forgive me. 

Jesus, help me.

How I can I make a difference?

And I realize now the loneliness of the stay-at-home mom. The monotony. The feeling less of an impact. Like your wasting your talents and loosing your mind and becoming forgotten.

During this season of my life I have to be purposeful with my alone time. With my quiet time. With my talents. I really don't have any time to spare or waste- like I did pre-baby.  My time with God, my worshiping, my prayers- they aren't just going to happen. And I can't rely on church to get me by-- cause I might not make it to church.

I believe God is using this season of my life to grow me. (Like He so often does.) To show me new aspects of His character and teach me about who I am- who I need to be and who I thought I was... (but I'm not...)
...

My mother gifted  me with a sewing machine, and we had a quick lesson on what's what. The machine is OLD, but in great condition and has been serviced. I just need to do. Learn by doing.

I'm grateful that Chris and I will be leading worship together again for a few months. I love leading people to the throne and singing with my husband. I've seriously thought about trying to work through the piano again (it's been years...) so that he can lead on guitar and I can play (chording really.... I can't read music any more).

House hunting has been more of Chris' thing than mine, but the thought of moving and starting anew is always nice. And I really want to be "in town" (Tyler).  Things will be so much freaking closer, and people will be so much freaking closer, and I can open my front door and walk out onto the sidewalk and go for a walk, with or without my baby in tow. (I can't do that where we currently live. It drives me nuts. I'm sure people think I'm crazy when they see me doing circles in the church parking lot.) And lets  be honest, I'm super happy to not be living in this fishbowl any more, where everyone knows where we live, if we are home, honk when then drive by...

I know it's not fall yet. (100+ here today) But, it is approaching. And these pictures made me happy.

Pray without ceasing.
Sorry for the rambling this morning.

2008, Vermont

So much life, so little time...

Yesterday we purchased tickets to visit our friends and family in NYC. The three of us. This fall. And it is seriously the only thing I can think about. Well, that and our pending move. And Camille's first birthday that is quickly approaching. My mommy brain is seriously on overload!

I am very excited to see my dear, dear friends again. SUPER excited to introduce Camille to them all and meet all the babies that have been born in the (almost) three years since we left the city. I'm sure it'll be MUCH colder than I anticipate for November, but we'll make due. Besides, I'll have a baby strapped to me, so that will provide some heat for sure. What I'm dreading the most is flying with Camille. Granted it's only 3 hours and it is non-stop, but I think I've waited until she's ALMOST too old to fly in my lap. Crazier things have happened. People do this every single day. I guess it's my turn to be "that" mom. And, Chris will only be flying the first leg of the trip with me, leaving NYC before we do. Scary scary.

For now, it looks as if Chris will be back in the classroom again, in the fall. You know, since school starts NEXT WEEK for teachers. He's very frustrated and disappointed with the way everything has come about, and NOTHING seemed to work out, as far as Assistant Principal position for him. Eleven interviews... 130 applications... ALL over Texas. We are simply trusting that God has a plan. But even still, we knew staying on staff at this church was not his will for us. Which also meant letting our free housing go.

So, we are looking at buying. Or renting. Or whatever. BUT, we gotta do it soon. Well, sooner would probably be preferred rather than later since we are sort of just squatting in the parsonage at this point.

I am so used to moving, and we've done it so often, I refuse to start packing boxes yet, because once that mayhem starts I feel like my house is a wreck and I just can't take it! I've always packed and boxed and cleaned efficiently in the past (of course this was pre-baby), but I'm pretty sure I can manage.

So, who knows where we will BE on Sept. 21st for Camille's birthday celebration, but it will be low key with family and a few friends. We will do what most Americans do and let her experience sugar and white flour and open presents when she'd rather play with the wrapping paper.

So grateful today for my little girl. She's taught me so much in ten months. And I've learned a lot about myself.

Rise and SHINE

Good Tuesday morning!

What a difference some good sleep can make. Seriously. When I found out I was pregnant THIS was my biggest fear: sleep deprivation. Turns out, you just keep going as a mom- sleep or not. But C slept SO well last night AND is actually napping away right now. A longer nap than she's taken in about a week. Could we be on the up-and-up?!! I hope so. A feverish child for one week is long enough.

We have been terribly lucky with a cool/ rainy summer thus far. I don't even think temperatures have crept into the 100's yet... but this week that will all change. As a family (since Chris is out for summer break too) we've continued to swim at my sisters house. Camille really loves the water. At home she reaches for the water hose each evening when we water the flowers and her new favorite thing is trying to "drink" from the water hose, dipping her face in ever so slowly.

She's changing daily and it's fun to see her learn new things. She's not walking yet, but loves to push her little cart everywhere. She can say mama, papa, puppy and ni-ni (for nursing) but understands so much more. She knows ball, baby and book.  This week when she crawled into the living room from her bedroom with her baby-doll I felt like she was such a big girl. And she loves giving kisses to her stuffed animals too. She likes to "sneak" up on Chris and me and bubbles over in laughter as she "surprises" us.

She's still a good eater and has eaten fruits, veggies, dairy and meat now- but no grain. Her appetite has wained with her sickness, but her current favorites are cheese and grapes (cut into 8ths!) It's so hard no to want to puree all her food. She working on her 6th tooth currently, and the doctor said "It's Fine!!" But I sort of want to peel the grapes to. I am told with the next child, I won't feel this way.

We've enjoyed lots of fresh produce this summer too: squash, melons, tomatoes, peas and okra. Though none of it was from our own garden- but that's ok. I've done much better at  growing flowers.

While Chris has applied and interviewed for more jobs than I care to count- and nothing has worked out- I'm excited about the future and our pending move. Wherever that may be.  Which right now we know somewhere around the Tyler area, since Chris is still teaching at the school he was at last year. And we have a PT/ very tentative worship leading gig lined up for the fall. (just for a few months...)

I am tired of waiting for my life to start. Planning our future. I know you are NOT supposed to live like that. That we are WARNED against living in this way. My life is happening all around me and I need to Be Here Now.

So grateful. Thankful. Thanksgiving prepares the way for blessing.

Motherhood Woes

July 21, 2014

I can't believe it's been 4 months since I last blogged... I mean, I knew I'd not written for awhile and put it aside, for a time, but I thought I'd been more like two months.

Although I said, "the next time this girl naps, I'm napping....!!" She's asleep and I'm writing. I considered a shower and a nap, but somehow I feel like getting these words out will also provide some sort of cleansing. 

I've been mothering a sick kid now for almost a week and it's draining. Not too sick. Not real sick. Just puny and not her happy self. What started as a cough last Tuesday turned into a fever overnight that we just can't seem to shake. And she's working on tooth number six. And trying to walk. So, that's alot for a 19lb girl. I get it. But mamma is tired too!

Last night we went from crib to bed to glider to bed and by 3:00am I was holding a baby girl who smelt of apple cider vinegar and had 102 fever asleep in my arms in the recliner.  I HATE the recliner, but it provided relieve until 8:00am this morning. 

And being congested and feverish causes her to fight naps, or simply demand napping in my arms. On the boob. Gah!

It's almost noon and I'm still in my nursing gown. The ONE nursing gown I own and wash every other day. My hair is matted with infant Tylenol and Ibuprofen, which I HATE to give my child since they have wonderful ingredients like high fructose corn syrup in them. We all smell like peppermint and lavender and she cries like I'm cutting her arms off when she sees the Nosfrida come out... It's just so pleasurable. 

I know these moments are few, and fleeting and overall she is a happy, healthy girl. But on days like today I'm convinced every other mommy is attending mommy and me yoga, or baby music class or strolling up and down there tree-lined street, visiting neighbors for iced coffee at a cafe that is within walking distance. All mamas have wonderful mama friends who are all back at there pre-pregnancy weight and do crafts and have play-dates together. They make lovely rompers for their children out of gorgeous material and feed them only the freshest foods. Right?!

I loves staying at home, but sometimes I wish my ten month old didn't need the boob so often, and for anything from comfort to sleep to nourishment to tiredness. I wish I could have an hour for a pedicure or could hire a babysitter for four hours and just go sit and read and drink a hot coffee while it's still hot. But, this is how we've chosen to raise our child. And, on most days, I'm ok with it. 

Adding to the emotional drama is the fact that yesterday was our last Sunday on staff as PT youth ministers at the church here. So, we are loosing that income (as little as it might have been...) and we have to move out of the parsonage. Sooner rather than later. And that means packing. And moving into a home we've yet to find. With money that we barely have. Joy.

I am very excited about the newness and what God has in store. New city. New church. New growth in our lives and faith. But, climbing that mountain is work.  But the view will be worth it in the end!