Saturday Morning, 9:30am

(Fall, 2008 somewhere in Vermont) 

Psalms 13:1-6

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise; 

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and 

you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 

too lofty for me to attain. 

I am so happy that the heavenly Father provided us with the Holy Spirit, who intercedes for us when we don't know what to pray, when there are simply tears. Or all we can do is cry out, "Jesus help me."

When I look at the bigger picture, the BIG picture, I want my life to matter. I want to make an impact, on someone, somehow. People are dying. Lives are being lost. Children are hungry. People have nothing but the clothes on their back... and I have so much. I wonder how my one, solitary life can matter? What can WE do to change things?

Overwhelmed at times, I don't know what to pray for, or how to pray in these situations. It seems like praying for a better job for my husband or a new home are quite selfish. When I realize the majority of my thoughts are wrapped up in loosing this baby weight or what color to paint the bedroom or buying birthday decorations- I am slapped in the face with the reality of how minimal my "problems" are. I am blessed. I am not facing death for my beliefs, or homelessness, or starvation, or sickness...

God forgive me. 

Jesus, help me.

How I can I make a difference?

And I realize now the loneliness of the stay-at-home mom. The monotony. The feeling less of an impact. Like your wasting your talents and loosing your mind and becoming forgotten.

During this season of my life I have to be purposeful with my alone time. With my quiet time. With my talents. I really don't have any time to spare or waste- like I did pre-baby.  My time with God, my worshiping, my prayers- they aren't just going to happen. And I can't rely on church to get me by-- cause I might not make it to church.

I believe God is using this season of my life to grow me. (Like He so often does.) To show me new aspects of His character and teach me about who I am- who I need to be and who I thought I was... (but I'm not...)
...

My mother gifted  me with a sewing machine, and we had a quick lesson on what's what. The machine is OLD, but in great condition and has been serviced. I just need to do. Learn by doing.

I'm grateful that Chris and I will be leading worship together again for a few months. I love leading people to the throne and singing with my husband. I've seriously thought about trying to work through the piano again (it's been years...) so that he can lead on guitar and I can play (chording really.... I can't read music any more).

House hunting has been more of Chris' thing than mine, but the thought of moving and starting anew is always nice. And I really want to be "in town" (Tyler).  Things will be so much freaking closer, and people will be so much freaking closer, and I can open my front door and walk out onto the sidewalk and go for a walk, with or without my baby in tow. (I can't do that where we currently live. It drives me nuts. I'm sure people think I'm crazy when they see me doing circles in the church parking lot.) And lets  be honest, I'm super happy to not be living in this fishbowl any more, where everyone knows where we live, if we are home, honk when then drive by...

I know it's not fall yet. (100+ here today) But, it is approaching. And these pictures made me happy.

Pray without ceasing.
Sorry for the rambling this morning.

2008, Vermont