The past few days (and into this week) I have been house-sitting (dog-sitting really) for my sister. The one we stayed with when we first returned to Texas. It's been nice to be out. Out where four white-tailed deer greeted me from the back porch this morning. All ten pounds of Abe, her Brussels Griffon, did a very good job of protecting us though, and off they ran.
On my morning walks I've seen robins, cardinals, deer, rabbit..... It's funny because not being here made me miss all of these things, when I was in NYC. And when I encountered such beauty living in upstate New York I took in each and every detail. However, things in Texas aren't as flat and desolate and brown as I made them out to be. There is beauty here. A friend of ours told us this week, "you see what you want to see." While I know this is true, and could have understood it's meaning at twelve years old, I'm understanding it more and more, having lived, left and returned to this place.
There are Canadian geese here. Some, not massive amounts, but I can hear their calling from time to time. Especially out at my sister's home on Lake Athens. There is even a little family of six I pass on my regular route; little goslings that are grounded for a few more weeks.
It's not like our house is in the city by any means. We are just in the middle of town. Maybe the smallest town ever, but it's not quiet where we live. All of this is steps from our home. Live music. Night life. The only place to go for miles around... yeah, everyone comes here on the weekends. It's not like I can just strap on my Nikes and go out for a quick walk around the neighborhood. Not so much.
...
And everyone knows where we live: in the middle of town, new to the area, working at the church.... They see my bathroom light come on at 3:00am when I just have to get up. It's not exactly the country. But it, really, really is.
I had forgot how everyone burns their trash outside the city limits. Or piles of limbs. Or leaves. Or anything. (It seems as if every weekend someone within a mile of our house is burning off a huge pile of brush. I know it's my heightened sense of smell, but it's pretty ridiculous.) No one recycles. Anything. I mean, I knew this... but, why doesn't anyone at least try? Or start a movement? I guess if you can burn your magazines, milk cartons, olive jars and old couch cushions in your backyard, why bother?
Some things I missed:
Rolling pastures full of Indian paint brushes
Flip-flop weather 8 months out of the year
Having a car trunk to carry your belonging to and from vs. your own back
Some things I didn't.
...
I'm still coming to terms with it all. We don't pretend to know what's going on in our lives right now, Chris and me. We are still experiencing new characteristics of God each day we wake up. Some things may still change, a lot. Not much. We don't know. I think it is completely wonderful and totally God that he gave us this child now, of all times.
I was much more prepared many more times earlier. I was ready. I was praying for God's will, though, and it didn't work out how I thought it might. Then here, in Texas, not even a month- it happens. And I think, What are we going to do? How are we going to do it?
I'm so grateful so much of my life didn't turn out like I wanted it to. Or like it could have (but for the grace of God go I). I appreciate the guidance and leadership of my husband and know this season is absolutely from above. I'm switching to this mindset of family. Of dad, mom, and the kids. And it's okay. I don't have to loose me in all of it and I don't have to decide tomorrow the city I want to live in forever. But sometimes I wish I could see a little bit more. But, then I wouldn't need faith, I guess.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Just Mom Stuff
Two weeks from today, we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl. (Sorry if this blog has gone all nursing bra and mommy-ish. It's not my intent. Baby: it's just what consumes my thoughts so much of the time.)
Remember when I didn't even know what a baby Bjorn was but I bought one for this sweet baby girl? Well, now I am doing my reading- and learning Moby from Maya- and will be using the very bjorn that I bought for my friend to carry my own little baby. How cool is that? I have the nicest friends. One with two boys and one with two girls and both are cheering me on, in the gender game. Secretly hoping I'll be able to have/ borrow/ take their things. Either way, I am grateful.
So, as odd as it may seem, we are planning a natural birth with a midwife but will have one sonogram. And we do want to know the sex of the baby. Even though it'll be the end of September before we meet for the first time, this will help us know our little one a bit more. And it's a milestone; something to celebrate I guess. On Mother's Day week. I can not wait.
Besides slings and cribs and car seats and strollers the thing I want to get most right is the brand of cloth diaper we decide you use. My husband, being male, remembers the cloth diapers we wore in 1980 and thought that was still the option. The brands and types and sizes and material for cloth diapers these days is astonishing. That, and the fact that they cost $15-$25 each. But I really, really want to give this a try.
I think for the most part people think I'm crazy. Out of touch with reality. Have no idea what it will really be like. "Natural birth?" sure.... "Cloth diapering?" sure.... "Stay home and raise your family?" right.... "And sweetie, nursing ain't as easy as you think!" I know.
I know I have no idea. But, I can't help but think that it can be done. Women HAVE indeed done it. Some of my friends. My own mother. It is just what I think is right, and how I always pictured things for my family. No hospitals. No unnecessary testing. My desires being considered. And chubby nursing babies running around in saggy cloth diapers. And my husband wants it too. He's on board 100% with a doula and birthing at a birth center and cloth diapers and mashing up our own squash and peas and sweet potatoes when I come time to introduce solid food to our child.
And yes. It'll be work. And I'll be tired. And I'll wish I had time to even steam some broccoli or wash enough laundry. And I'll be tired. But we will make it. I simply have to believe, there is no other place I'm meant to be than where I am right now. God has blessed us with this child and He will take care of us- even when all I see is a gray fog surrounding me.
Phil 4:6-7
Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Remember when I didn't even know what a baby Bjorn was but I bought one for this sweet baby girl? Well, now I am doing my reading- and learning Moby from Maya- and will be using the very bjorn that I bought for my friend to carry my own little baby. How cool is that? I have the nicest friends. One with two boys and one with two girls and both are cheering me on, in the gender game. Secretly hoping I'll be able to have/ borrow/ take their things. Either way, I am grateful.
So, as odd as it may seem, we are planning a natural birth with a midwife but will have one sonogram. And we do want to know the sex of the baby. Even though it'll be the end of September before we meet for the first time, this will help us know our little one a bit more. And it's a milestone; something to celebrate I guess. On Mother's Day week. I can not wait.
Besides slings and cribs and car seats and strollers the thing I want to get most right is the brand of cloth diaper we decide you use. My husband, being male, remembers the cloth diapers we wore in 1980 and thought that was still the option. The brands and types and sizes and material for cloth diapers these days is astonishing. That, and the fact that they cost $15-$25 each. But I really, really want to give this a try.
I think for the most part people think I'm crazy. Out of touch with reality. Have no idea what it will really be like. "Natural birth?" sure.... "Cloth diapering?" sure.... "Stay home and raise your family?" right.... "And sweetie, nursing ain't as easy as you think!" I know.
I know I have no idea. But, I can't help but think that it can be done. Women HAVE indeed done it. Some of my friends. My own mother. It is just what I think is right, and how I always pictured things for my family. No hospitals. No unnecessary testing. My desires being considered. And chubby nursing babies running around in saggy cloth diapers. And my husband wants it too. He's on board 100% with a doula and birthing at a birth center and cloth diapers and mashing up our own squash and peas and sweet potatoes when I come time to introduce solid food to our child.
And yes. It'll be work. And I'll be tired. And I'll wish I had time to even steam some broccoli or wash enough laundry. And I'll be tired. But we will make it. I simply have to believe, there is no other place I'm meant to be than where I am right now. God has blessed us with this child and He will take care of us- even when all I see is a gray fog surrounding me.
Phil 4:6-7
Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Hot Head
I'm afraid I'm going to come off sounding a little bitter and New Yorker here, but just let me vent. Some days are like this. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. Or the temperature that's creeping up toward 80 degrees. Or that I have no air conditioning in my car (and the temperature is creeping up toward 80 degrees).
I went to the DMV today.
Now, yes, most DMV, like most post office visits, are terrible. Expectantly so. Long lines. Terrible service. It's part of life, for most, but one we like to quickly forget. I didn't go in this morning with high expectations. BUT, I need a Texas drivers license. I don't really want one. I'll admit giving up my NY drivers license changes a lot for me (if only in my own little head). Reality is reality, however. I haven't lived in NYC in over a year. Upstate NY since November. I went to get a license though, before I get any more pregnant, lest I look like a version of myself that I don't want to show the security guard at the airport in three years.
But I went and I left without a drivers license. Because:
1. I don't have my registration. Yes, the sticker is on the car, but that is not good enough. They want the piece of paper that I ripped the sticker off of two months ago and threw in the trash. ("If you go down to the tax office they can print you out a registration for $2.00." REALLY!!!?? What about I take a picture on my phone of the registration sicker on the car?)
2. The car isn't registered in my name, it's registered in Chris'. So, he has to fill out at affidavit stating yes, that we are actually married.
3. It's hard to prove our physical address is indeed our physical address. EVERYONE in Ben Wheeler told us immediately upon moving here, "Get a PO Box. You won't get your mail at your physical address. Ever." And we don't. So we did. The two bills we pay, have the churches address. Because we live in the parsonage. So, our name is nowhere on the electric or gas bill.... She didn't like that. (AND because the words, "I live in the parsonage. See here, it's our address, just not our name on the bill..." I can not roll my eyes and slam down my keys and shake my head in disbelief.
4. Additionally, they would like my social security card and my birth certificate, just to have them on file. I told her I had a TX DL from 1996-2006 and she had no problem finding me in "The System." But that wasn't good enough. And, evidently, now, they keep copies of these legal documents "on file." Why? This wasn't normal protocol in 1996.... I'm still me though, so let's take this picture while I'm still a normal weight and my hair looks good and it's not 102 degrees out and get me that TX DL ASAP, lady.
So, I left. with a list of things to go home and find, or to pay to obtain, and a stack of papers to fill out.
I'm thinking about remaining a New Yorker a little while longer.
......
Some days these things bother me more than others. Because later I stopped by Office Depot for three little items. I hesitated to give the cashier my phone number but did it anyway. She doesn't need it. No, I don't have a rewards card. No, I don't want one.
Then, I refused a bag for my one item that would actually fit in a bag, but the cashier persisted. I said "no thank you" again. She insisted that my item be bagged. So I let her. THEN, an employee came to my assistance and offered to help me take my three items out to my car. I said it was not necessary. He insisted (what is it with these people?). Three items. Granted two were large - but not heavy. And I don't look that pregnant. OR do I??
Nice people. Grrrrr. I miss New York. Get in. Get out. Don't make eye contact.
I'm hot. I'm cranky.
I need a dipped cone from Dairy Queen.
I went to the DMV today.
Now, yes, most DMV, like most post office visits, are terrible. Expectantly so. Long lines. Terrible service. It's part of life, for most, but one we like to quickly forget. I didn't go in this morning with high expectations. BUT, I need a Texas drivers license. I don't really want one. I'll admit giving up my NY drivers license changes a lot for me (if only in my own little head). Reality is reality, however. I haven't lived in NYC in over a year. Upstate NY since November. I went to get a license though, before I get any more pregnant, lest I look like a version of myself that I don't want to show the security guard at the airport in three years.
But I went and I left without a drivers license. Because:
1. I don't have my registration. Yes, the sticker is on the car, but that is not good enough. They want the piece of paper that I ripped the sticker off of two months ago and threw in the trash. ("If you go down to the tax office they can print you out a registration for $2.00." REALLY!!!?? What about I take a picture on my phone of the registration sicker on the car?)
2. The car isn't registered in my name, it's registered in Chris'. So, he has to fill out at affidavit stating yes, that we are actually married.
3. It's hard to prove our physical address is indeed our physical address. EVERYONE in Ben Wheeler told us immediately upon moving here, "Get a PO Box. You won't get your mail at your physical address. Ever." And we don't. So we did. The two bills we pay, have the churches address. Because we live in the parsonage. So, our name is nowhere on the electric or gas bill.... She didn't like that. (AND because the words, "I live in the parsonage. See here, it's our address, just not our name on the bill..." I can not roll my eyes and slam down my keys and shake my head in disbelief.
4. Additionally, they would like my social security card and my birth certificate, just to have them on file. I told her I had a TX DL from 1996-2006 and she had no problem finding me in "The System." But that wasn't good enough. And, evidently, now, they keep copies of these legal documents "on file." Why? This wasn't normal protocol in 1996.... I'm still me though, so let's take this picture while I'm still a normal weight and my hair looks good and it's not 102 degrees out and get me that TX DL ASAP, lady.
So, I left. with a list of things to go home and find, or to pay to obtain, and a stack of papers to fill out.
I'm thinking about remaining a New Yorker a little while longer.
......
Some days these things bother me more than others. Because later I stopped by Office Depot for three little items. I hesitated to give the cashier my phone number but did it anyway. She doesn't need it. No, I don't have a rewards card. No, I don't want one.
Then, I refused a bag for my one item that would actually fit in a bag, but the cashier persisted. I said "no thank you" again. She insisted that my item be bagged. So I let her. THEN, an employee came to my assistance and offered to help me take my three items out to my car. I said it was not necessary. He insisted (what is it with these people?). Three items. Granted two were large - but not heavy. And I don't look that pregnant. OR do I??
Nice people. Grrrrr. I miss New York. Get in. Get out. Don't make eye contact.
I'm hot. I'm cranky.
I need a dipped cone from Dairy Queen.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Unchanging
It's been a rough week. A week that can leave you wondering about things like hope and fear and God's permissive will. Boston, MA and West, TX aside.
Even the little every day tinkering.
Pain. Loss. Death. Frustration. Loneliness. Cancer. Frustration.
This week
Even for someone removed from the massive tragedies that made worldwide headlines this week- which doesn't make them any less tragic, but these feelings are suddenly universal.
Unavoidable.
Human.
Result of the fall of man. My daily falling. Unbelief and self-sustaining desires.
"Come unto me all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest....."
Where? When? Is this attainable on this side of heaven? I wonder?
Pain. A friend, (who was my very best friend 4th-8th grade) who I've reconnected with in Texas, is watching her sister lie in ICU. Sick. Unresponsive. Forty-three years old and suddenly full of pain. Waiting... for answers from doctors. From specialists. To prayers.
Loss. "Sucky day today indeed, but helps to have a good cry..." This was the response I got from a friend when I texted her and told her I was thinking of her. Her baby boy died four years ago last Monday. After work I lay in bed and cried for her. For him. For the absence that will always be and the unknowing that will remain. Why did God let that happen?
Frustration: For my own unanswered prayers. For wondering why and what I'm doing wrong. (Cause I must be doing something wrong, yes??) I want to learn this lesson. I want to acknowledge that thing that God is trying to teach me.... to get there. To the valley. To the milk and honey. To daily bread. Enough.
I am happy. I am trusting. I am seeking.
"My yoke is easy and my burden is light..."
But the weigh. The effort. It remains.
Loneliness. I long for a community of believers, of people with my likes/ interests/ dreams. People in their 30's. People that can relate to my husband. To me. Who will love this baby we are bringing into this world. In the city (granted it was a city of eight million) I longed for the country. In the country I feel misunderstood and alone and think I can never make it without living somewhere more populated. My spirit longs for more life. Deeper life. Living. For friends.
....
It's a difficult week, but we can have hope.
We can hold onto Him. We can be held by Him.
Nothing surprises our God. And nothing makes Him love us any less. He's Unchanging.
He knows I doubt, fear, hurt, want to scream, "Where are you?" sometimes.
He remains. He is there. He will never leave.
God likes me. God likes you.
Jesus, Help us trust and obey.
"Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16
Even the little every day tinkering.
Pain. Loss. Death. Frustration. Loneliness. Cancer. Frustration.
This week
Even for someone removed from the massive tragedies that made worldwide headlines this week- which doesn't make them any less tragic, but these feelings are suddenly universal.
Unavoidable.
Human.
Result of the fall of man. My daily falling. Unbelief and self-sustaining desires.
"Come unto me all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest....."
Where? When? Is this attainable on this side of heaven? I wonder?
Pain. A friend, (who was my very best friend 4th-8th grade) who I've reconnected with in Texas, is watching her sister lie in ICU. Sick. Unresponsive. Forty-three years old and suddenly full of pain. Waiting... for answers from doctors. From specialists. To prayers.
Loss. "Sucky day today indeed, but helps to have a good cry..." This was the response I got from a friend when I texted her and told her I was thinking of her. Her baby boy died four years ago last Monday. After work I lay in bed and cried for her. For him. For the absence that will always be and the unknowing that will remain. Why did God let that happen?
Frustration: For my own unanswered prayers. For wondering why and what I'm doing wrong. (Cause I must be doing something wrong, yes??) I want to learn this lesson. I want to acknowledge that thing that God is trying to teach me.... to get there. To the valley. To the milk and honey. To daily bread. Enough.
I am happy. I am trusting. I am seeking.
"My yoke is easy and my burden is light..."
But the weigh. The effort. It remains.
Loneliness. I long for a community of believers, of people with my likes/ interests/ dreams. People in their 30's. People that can relate to my husband. To me. Who will love this baby we are bringing into this world. In the city (granted it was a city of eight million) I longed for the country. In the country I feel misunderstood and alone and think I can never make it without living somewhere more populated. My spirit longs for more life. Deeper life. Living. For friends.
....
It's a difficult week, but we can have hope.
We can hold onto Him. We can be held by Him.
Nothing surprises our God. And nothing makes Him love us any less. He's Unchanging.
He knows I doubt, fear, hurt, want to scream, "Where are you?" sometimes.
He remains. He is there. He will never leave.
God likes me. God likes you.
Jesus, Help us trust and obey.
"Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Grow Big, Grow Strong
I sit here eating my 3:00pm snack. Three little clementine's. However, it wasn't so long ago that clementine's did not sound so good. Nor any fruit, nor any vegetable. Being drawn to veggies over meat almost my entire life, the first trimester of my pregnancy had me craving meat. Meat and potatoes. I tried many times to eat steamed broccoli or roasted Brussels sprouts or raw carrots and hummus (like a normal person). Yack! Potato and butter please. Hamburger. Cereal. That's about it.
And these are not things normally in my meal rotation.
I've eaten more hamburgers in the last six weeks than I have in the last six years. I'm not exaggerating. I traded my yogurt and fruit breakfasts for cereal and made myself eat scrambled eggs in corn tortillas when nothing sounded good. Hey, if nothing sounds good, but you have to eat, might as well eat something good for baby.
I didn't have food cravings. Just food aversions. I preferred bland, tasteless, garlic and onion free foods. No Mexican. No bold flavors. Oh, and by the way--- I sort of stopped cooking. Yeah, little ole' me with no desire to create in the kitchen... Who knew? That was then. Now, at seventeen weeks I'm back to my old self, for the most part. The old self plus more meat in my diet.
I am trying so hard to eat what I'm supposed to, but I don't think I've been successful a single day. 100 grams of protein? Daily? 100 ounces of water? Daily? Plus all the fruits and veggies and calcium and healthy fats--- sounds near impossible aside from having a personal chef design each meal for me. Which would be nice.
But for now I do what I can afford.
Organic dairy (milk, cheese, yogurt, keifer)
Organic meat & eggs - (meat when it's available, seriously... this stuff is next to impossible to find without driving an hour in one direction or the other)
Organic cereals and crackers (Did you know if a product contains corn or soy and is not organic there is over a 95% chance that those ingredients contain GMO's? Scary stuff.)
And fill in the gaps with fresh fruits and veggies sometimes organic (when I can afford it...)
I know there is protein in all the nuts and yogurt and beans I eat, but seriously, to get 100 grams a day one has to do some intentional meat noshing. I just try to keep this number in mind. I'm not counting anything these days (except the minutes until I can eat again), but it just sounds like a lot.
Here are some other things I've learned these past weeks.
1. I don't miss coffee. At all. I tried a cup of decaf (maybe that is the reason why) last weekend and after two sips threw the entire cup out.
2. Tired. I should have known I was pregnant when I was so. tired. all. the. time. When I didn't have energy to put away groceries, or would leave things undone, and I seriously delayed unpacking all those boxes when we moved in (and I was pregnant, but didn't know it....)
3. My baby belly doesn't grow at the rate I thought it would. At seventeen weeks I've gained maybe 5-8 pounds. Granted, I got some extra curves and padding so, baby is fine indeed. I just thought by now, I'd be pooching out. Of course none of my clothes fit. And all the maternity ones I've been given (AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR) are big. Big maternity. Which I will need, but not yet. So I bellaband it for now and wear loose fitting tops in L/XL sizes. Thank goodness those are in style, maternity or not.
4. There are so many opinions out there!! Books. Blogs. For a reader, this can be overwhelming. I think it immediately became clear to me I'd have to take in all in stride, using my personal filter AND listen to those professionals I know and trust. I love my midwife, and the books and suggestions she's made mean the most to me. That and my own mother, who gave birth at home.
5. Walking is good. Kegals are necessary. And I wish there was a prenatal yoga class within a 100 mile radius. (Again, Where am I??) I'm drinking red raspberry leaf tea daily - for my uterus. Obviously.
6. I'm not trying to knock anyone's birth plan, but I feel like natural childbirth requires preparation: mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. So, I'm trying to do what I can. And there is a lot I am just holding onto very loosely. That is why I'm meeting with a doula tomorrow.
And these are not things normally in my meal rotation.
I've eaten more hamburgers in the last six weeks than I have in the last six years. I'm not exaggerating. I traded my yogurt and fruit breakfasts for cereal and made myself eat scrambled eggs in corn tortillas when nothing sounded good. Hey, if nothing sounds good, but you have to eat, might as well eat something good for baby.
I didn't have food cravings. Just food aversions. I preferred bland, tasteless, garlic and onion free foods. No Mexican. No bold flavors. Oh, and by the way--- I sort of stopped cooking. Yeah, little ole' me with no desire to create in the kitchen... Who knew? That was then. Now, at seventeen weeks I'm back to my old self, for the most part. The old self plus more meat in my diet.
I am trying so hard to eat what I'm supposed to, but I don't think I've been successful a single day. 100 grams of protein? Daily? 100 ounces of water? Daily? Plus all the fruits and veggies and calcium and healthy fats--- sounds near impossible aside from having a personal chef design each meal for me. Which would be nice.
But for now I do what I can afford.
Organic dairy (milk, cheese, yogurt, keifer)
Organic meat & eggs - (meat when it's available, seriously... this stuff is next to impossible to find without driving an hour in one direction or the other)
Organic cereals and crackers (Did you know if a product contains corn or soy and is not organic there is over a 95% chance that those ingredients contain GMO's? Scary stuff.)
And fill in the gaps with fresh fruits and veggies sometimes organic (when I can afford it...)
I know there is protein in all the nuts and yogurt and beans I eat, but seriously, to get 100 grams a day one has to do some intentional meat noshing. I just try to keep this number in mind. I'm not counting anything these days (except the minutes until I can eat again), but it just sounds like a lot.
Here are some other things I've learned these past weeks.
1. I don't miss coffee. At all. I tried a cup of decaf (maybe that is the reason why) last weekend and after two sips threw the entire cup out.
2. Tired. I should have known I was pregnant when I was so. tired. all. the. time. When I didn't have energy to put away groceries, or would leave things undone, and I seriously delayed unpacking all those boxes when we moved in (and I was pregnant, but didn't know it....)
3. My baby belly doesn't grow at the rate I thought it would. At seventeen weeks I've gained maybe 5-8 pounds. Granted, I got some extra curves and padding so, baby is fine indeed. I just thought by now, I'd be pooching out. Of course none of my clothes fit. And all the maternity ones I've been given (AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR) are big. Big maternity. Which I will need, but not yet. So I bellaband it for now and wear loose fitting tops in L/XL sizes. Thank goodness those are in style, maternity or not.
4. There are so many opinions out there!! Books. Blogs. For a reader, this can be overwhelming. I think it immediately became clear to me I'd have to take in all in stride, using my personal filter AND listen to those professionals I know and trust. I love my midwife, and the books and suggestions she's made mean the most to me. That and my own mother, who gave birth at home.
5. Walking is good. Kegals are necessary. And I wish there was a prenatal yoga class within a 100 mile radius. (Again, Where am I??) I'm drinking red raspberry leaf tea daily - for my uterus. Obviously.
6. I'm not trying to knock anyone's birth plan, but I feel like natural childbirth requires preparation: mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. So, I'm trying to do what I can. And there is a lot I am just holding onto very loosely. That is why I'm meeting with a doula tomorrow.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Growing a Family
At the end of January we decided to get a puppy. Well, we had been discussing a dog and then one night our pastor called us trying to give us one. His daughter had brought home a ten week old puppy and well, he was not interested. BUT, he knew we were. So, we went over and got her that night. (After much discussion and debate and weighing the good, bad and ugly of it all). Less than twenty-four hours later, we found out we were pregnant. I was ready to return the dog.
We weren't trying to get pregnant. We barley had an address and I hadn't even started my job yet. (But had accepted the offer...)
If you know me at all, you know I've struggled with this for years. In NYC I went to specialists, got fertility acupuncture and tried Chinese/ herbal remedies to try and find some healing. Some help. Nothing helped. Nothing fixed me. But seven months working on a farm in upstate New York seemed to do the trick. I think I was a nervous, anxious wreck in NYC. Mostly without even knowing it. I was a slave to the gym, filling my days with yoga and jogging and weights. I ate a low-fat diet (terrible for fertility). Kept my calendar pretty full (who would want to sit around in that 400 square foot apartment?) And suffered panic attacks the last year of my life there... so yeah, I guess that will do it.
And now. Here we are. Sixteen weeks into a forty week journey that will end with three. I know my life's about the change forever, but it's hard to anticipate that or know what to expect. This was not my timing. (As a matter of fact, I think the news has surprised most everyone.) And for that I felt guilty at first. Like, my baby will know that this isn't a good time for me. But many pregnancies are unplanned. And I love this little baby more and more each day.
It's crazy. There was nothing. No one. Then there was something. Someone. And a heartbeat and eventually I'll hold this new person in my arms. I mean, I know we were all conceived and we were all born, but living it day-to-day is huge miracle to be a part of.
Yesterday was our second prenatal visit. We are using a midwife at Childbirth Services in Tyler and I truly enjoy the time I've spent getting to know these ladies. The highlight of the each visit is hearing the heartbeat. (When we went in for our initial consultation at 12 weeks and they asked, "Do you want to hear the heartbeat?" I was like, Is that possible? Are you serious? Heck Yeah!) Chris and I are reading books and books and books... And asking questions and learning so much. These are our feeble attempts in preparing.
....
The weekend prior to our little "surprise" I went to a Holy Yoga event in Dallas. It was amazing. I was even considering training and becoming certified. But now I know, this is not the season for that-- however, it might be in God's plan for the future.
Killing time in Dallas a few hours before the event, I found myself in Barnes in Noble browsing books and books and books and this verse jumped from the pages of a book in the Christian section (though the author and title escape me now.)
We weren't trying to get pregnant. We barley had an address and I hadn't even started my job yet. (But had accepted the offer...)
If you know me at all, you know I've struggled with this for years. In NYC I went to specialists, got fertility acupuncture and tried Chinese/ herbal remedies to try and find some healing. Some help. Nothing helped. Nothing fixed me. But seven months working on a farm in upstate New York seemed to do the trick. I think I was a nervous, anxious wreck in NYC. Mostly without even knowing it. I was a slave to the gym, filling my days with yoga and jogging and weights. I ate a low-fat diet (terrible for fertility). Kept my calendar pretty full (who would want to sit around in that 400 square foot apartment?) And suffered panic attacks the last year of my life there... so yeah, I guess that will do it.
And now. Here we are. Sixteen weeks into a forty week journey that will end with three. I know my life's about the change forever, but it's hard to anticipate that or know what to expect. This was not my timing. (As a matter of fact, I think the news has surprised most everyone.) And for that I felt guilty at first. Like, my baby will know that this isn't a good time for me. But many pregnancies are unplanned. And I love this little baby more and more each day.
It's crazy. There was nothing. No one. Then there was something. Someone. And a heartbeat and eventually I'll hold this new person in my arms. I mean, I know we were all conceived and we were all born, but living it day-to-day is huge miracle to be a part of.
Yesterday was our second prenatal visit. We are using a midwife at Childbirth Services in Tyler and I truly enjoy the time I've spent getting to know these ladies. The highlight of the each visit is hearing the heartbeat. (When we went in for our initial consultation at 12 weeks and they asked, "Do you want to hear the heartbeat?" I was like, Is that possible? Are you serious? Heck Yeah!) Chris and I are reading books and books and books... And asking questions and learning so much. These are our feeble attempts in preparing.
....
The weekend prior to our little "surprise" I went to a Holy Yoga event in Dallas. It was amazing. I was even considering training and becoming certified. But now I know, this is not the season for that-- however, it might be in God's plan for the future.
Killing time in Dallas a few hours before the event, I found myself in Barnes in Noble browsing books and books and books and this verse jumped from the pages of a book in the Christian section (though the author and title escape me now.)
Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think
according to the power that works in us to Him be glory in the church and in
Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21
Days and even weeks later I come back to this verse. Yes, more than I can ask or think. That's our God.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
The Scenic Route
Driving home yesterday evening, I realized my commute IS indeed something notable. Something worth telling about. I like to write about my life in juxtaposition. Who I am, who I think I am, who I want to be...
Approaching 50mph, having recently turned onto a two-lane, no shoulder road, which I spend 12miles of my daily drive on Monday - Friday, I saw two horses. In my lane. Walking toward me. Why yes they were saddled and being ridden by two cowboy looking men. Now, this does not seem safe to me. But I shouldn't be surprised.
It was within this mile stretch of road only days earlier a young girl, maybe ten or eleven, was walking her goat down the road. The goat was huge. After passing the goat on a leash, and bumping over the railroad tacks, which I get stuck at about once a week, I saw a woman out for some target practice. In her front yard.
It is a normal, middle-income brick home, two to three bedroom, garage, flowers growing the in the flowerbeds and a huge dart right in the front yard. Then, Pocahontas, complete with waist length hair blowing in the breeze, is shooting this massive bow and arrow. In her front yard, ten feet from the before mentioned two-lane, no shoulder road.
This windy road is like none other. Especially since driving was not something I missed while living in NYC. For my first month back in Texas I was fearful as my foot pushed on the accelerator and the speedometer neared 70mph. Two lane. No shoulder roads. During our stint in upstate New York, roads like this had a speed limit of 55mph. Not in Texas. I'm doing better, at least I drive the speed limit now. And if you want to do 70 and the speed limits 60, go around! (Maybe I am a Memaw.)
Driving: it's new again. It's scary. It is even more exciting when watching out for horses and goats and coyotes and wild hogs. I almost forgot to mention, I saw my first coyote yesterday too. I know... the country life abounds with excitement. However, being raised in the country and hearing them nightly for many, many years of my life, I'm surprised it's take me this long to spot one. However, I'm hardly and country girl- I'm just from the country. And coyotes aren't something you normally see at 8:00am dashing across the road like a white-tailed deer. Which would have been a little more storybook.
So nothing life-changing here today. Just realizing that life is what you make of it. Being bitter and feeling I have nothing in common with the bow shooters and horse riders and twelve cat owners isn't exactly true. I'm a different sort of country.
Here is my Baby Bella. She is now twice this size.
I do not take her for walks along the Farm-to-Market road.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
And a few months later... I'm back
I haven't been writing for lack of time; Lord knows. I haven't been writing because I don't want to or don't think about it. It's just that, well, I feel my Texas life is not as exciting to read about as my New York life... That and a million other little things.
For instance, I work with one other person. So, no work stories. I commute to work in a Honda Civic alone. So no commuter stories about bus, subway, walking half a mile down Second Avenue in a wind tunnel. I'm still trying to find community and friends and people that get me and I feel comfortable talking about things like organic dairy products and health food stores and Ann Voskamp's blog and making homemade bread and this new book I found and consignment shopping. I'm still looking for those to inspire me on in my art. And yeah, I'm making excuses, cause there are those people, I just don't see them daily like I did in NYC.
NYC is a funny place because it's much easier to be incognito (not so living in the town I was raised in. Population 11,000. Everyone knows me...) BUT, in NYC it's also much easier to immerse yourself in community, to find people who'll accept you and love you and speak truth in love to you. Cause there are just that many people.
I feel like I'm living in a fish bowl. And as much as I love storytelling and writing, it's hard for me to bite my tongue (literally as well as on this blog) because it'll be sort of obvious who I'm referring to. Let me clarify, I'm not trying to hurt feelings or detail the horrific events of something awful in someones life. It's just those quirky, random, "I'm so glad she said, cause everyone was thinking it" things that I usually write about- aren't so easy to write about.
So, here is what I can tell you:
I'm working. At a job.
I'm happy to be living closer to family (most of the time) and being able to spend birthday's and holidays together.
We got a ten week old puppy about ten weeks ago. So now she's a huge puppy. She's fun. She's full of energy and life and makes me laugh at least five times a day. (And if for no other reason, I guess she was worth taking in).
The spring has been glorious to experience: Tyler Azalea Trails on my birthday, Dallas in Bloom and the Arboretum, pastures full of phlox and bluebonnets and Indian paint brushes on my drive to work each morning. I've planted some flowers and shrubs and potted plants and enjoy watering my plants each day. (I know that sounds me-maw-ish, but I do). The days are getting longer at even at 7:00 I find myself wanting to leave the front door open and keep the shades drawn open a little longs. It's been nice- and I know the heat is coming.
...
I just began a Bible study with the women at church titled Brave Sunday night. And while my overall thoughts are that it's sort of skimming the surface and too "Lifeway Christian Bookstore Prepackaged Bible study," it's still the first week. And Bible study can never be a bad thing. I will make the most of it. Yes? I am responsible for my spiritual growth. But during some still and quiet time today, I felt that not writing is disobedient. For me. Cause this thing always lurks in the back of my mind. AND, I do enjoy it. It's not a burden, but a privilege.
...
And the other thing. That's been occupying majority of my mental capacity: I'm 16 weeks pregnant. Yeah, I guess leaving NYC was really all it would take for me. Who knew? Surely not I. So sweet country living isn't all that bad, just doing the reverse adjustment now. With a baby due Sept. 22nd. Trying to figure out what that looks like and how I'll ever be ready. (Or at least think I'm ready.)
More about baby later. Plus if you are a reader of this blog, you probably already knew. I don't pretend to think my readership spans outside of my inner circle too, too much!
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