Holy Yoga Journey

$3,000

That is what is keeping me away from going forward this this thing that I deeply feel that I've been called to.
Well, that and a nursing toddler... I need to wean my child before I can go on a weeklong immersion in Arizona....

I went on a Holy Yoga retreat weekend (Jesus at the Core) in January 2013. The thing is, I was already pregnant at that retreat, I just didn't know it... So, all that I enjoyed and loved and really wanted to pursue was put on hold. So, here we are two years later and I still keep thinking about my experience and how I really might actually feel called to do this thing.

The training includes a 9-week webinar training that is two hours once a week, followed by a week-long retreat in Arizona. No kids. No spouses. And it's $2,895 plus the cost of the flight. People, I don't even have enough money for Christmas gifts this year.  I've got Camille a copy of Goodnight Moon under the tree and that's it. (Seriously, what kind of house is this without Goodnight Moon?? I think we all assumed someone else would buy it, or someone else had bought it, all the while my fifteen month old has never heard that Margaret Wise Brown classic. Horrors!)
And wouldn't that money be better spent on getting Chris a vehicle that runs?

Chris is still teaching math and holding down a job that he does not like. Boo.
AND, we are now leading worship at Calvary Baptist Church... praying about a part-time staff position. Which would basically pay the rent....

Sigh.

And Holy Yoga. So many people have these negative, preconceived notions. I wonder if it would be an uphill battle trying to convince people, "it's OKAY y'all"

Chris asked me if I wanted to do this to make money. And the answer to that is, "not really." I mean yes, with a yoga certification I could teach yoga anywhere. But more than that I see it as my ministry. A way to teach to bring edification and love and Jesus to people who are hurting.

So that's where I am with it all... I haven't put down a deposit. I haven't scheduled an interview. I don't know how I can take a two hour call once a week with a toddler. And I don't know who I can leave that daughter for a week since she still nurses.

But I want to be obedient. And if it's what God wants, it'll happen. In His time.

Three Chambers in New York

Camille in NYC, Oct 2014

(First, I'd like to thank whoever prayed for my daughter to get a good nights rest last night. She went to bed at 7:15pm and only woke at 3:30am to nurse! And, she didn't get up for the day until 6:30am! AND she's napping right now!!! Has been for over an hour!!!) 

...

Our week long trip to New York went very well, better than expected in most ways. Camille did amazing on the four hour flight and wasn't that very-worst-child-you've-ever-experienced-on-a-plane. She was actually her cheery, engaging, flirty self. AND even though I'm glad I had books and toys and snacks and a special buckle toy made JUST for this flight, and an iPad with baby interactive games and child headphones I borrowed... she really just wanted to people watch, occasionally look out the window, and play with the TV screen on the back of the headrest in front of our seat. 

She slept very little on the way to NY, and crashed the moment we got on the plane for our return trip. Unfortunately, we sat waiting to take off FOR AN HOUR, but she napped about two hours in my arms nonetheless. She didn't understand why she couldn't sit in the floor during turbulence and HAD to sit in my arms, but she got over it. 

I really don't know what we did for four hours. Some sleeping yes, but mostly it was five minutes of this book, four minutes of that music, ten minutes of snacking, two minutes of window watching.... all adding up to one flight.

Little Ladybug in Times Square

Going to New York with Camille was a little difficult, and not in the way one might expect. For me, it made me miss my old life. I had five years in the city. I had a rhythm. I had my life down, my city life.  With Camille in tow I knew it would be difficult to DO NYC like I would normally DO NYC. But, really it was just impossible. No journaling in tiny coffee shops. No visiting the farmers market daily. None of the little restaurants that I'd longed to visit again. No Sokerbit!! Hauling her around and taking everything we might need for the day was just exhausting. By day two, I realized a mid-day trip back to the apartment for napping was necessary. 

But, I changed my attitude and did what I could. We are grateful for this girl. She brings us such joy and LIFE into our home. 

We got bagels at Essabagel one morning. Camille and I played on the playground at the park in our old neighborhood, the park where I used to volunteer and clean out flowerbeds.  We visited Times Square on Halloween and Central Park at dusk. Camille danced on the BIG piano at FAO Schwarz and watched ice skaters at Bryant Park. It was a good trip. But mainly because we got to see so many of the people we love and miss. Honestly, we spent almost more time in friends apartments or catching up somewhere for lunch. 

And that's really why we went. Yes, to see NY, but more-so to introduce Camille to our friends and to spend time with them. I went to the weekly women's bible study at our old church, Trinity Baptist Church, New York and even attended choir rehearsal- just to see familiar faces and listen in. 

...

In alot of ways it feels like a lifetime ago, NYC. Maybe that's just what having Camille around has done. Even if there weren't NYC, I'd have trouble remembering my life before her. I do mourn those days- up early out late. Doing what I want to. Skipping a meal. Eating cupcakes for breakfast. My size 4 pencil skirts and 3" heels have been replaced by Adidas and yoga pants.

It's not right or wrong, it's just different. And this is the season of nursing babies and stretching a dollar and meals in crockpots and going to bed early after watching Parenthood on Instant Netflix. 

Anyway, New York City was good. I don't think I want to move back there. Not with little ones. Not into Manhattan. It's too fast and edgy and young. Like I was back then. 

View from my cousin's mid-town apartment where we stayed

Breathing Room

Camille, 14 months old, November 2014 

It's 2:15pm.
My daughter JUST went down for a nap, and thus, I ran toward the computer....

It's been two months since I've written. And in that time we've moved again... (just to the other side of our duplex, but still...) It was worth it- but it was still moving. During the Thanksgiving holiday my husband built us a computer desk (no big deal, right?!) so we can utilize the Mac Mini instead of simply the Macbook and when it comes to blogging- it's gotta be the mini...

So, here I am.

Perhaps in the coming days I will tell you about our second move, or our visit to New York City, or leading worship, or Thanksgiving, or joblessness, or how my child is running me ragged. But for how, here's what you're going to get: Me.

First of all, I'm diligently trying to observe and pause and read my Advent readings and reflections at some point each day. Ideally, that would be in the morning over HOT coffee while watching the cardinals and squirrels play in the leaves in our backyard. But I have a toddler. She wakes me up at 5:30am. I get zero alone time in the mornings. And I don't drink hot coffee. Last night I read after she went down for the night.

We put our Christmas tree up while Chris was off work. It looks wonderful in our big, bay window (which is one of the many reasons we opted to move to this side of the duplex!) Camille and I have been gathering acorns and tiny pine cones and these wonderfully curious burr oak acorns. I've painted some with silver glitter and put them in a big glass jar. Additionally, since I have SPACE now, I've sewn a few Christmas buntings as well. (Evidently I should be selling all this on ETSY. $18 for some acorns painted white and strewn together with simple twine?!) Another way we are enjoying the holidays is watching the Radio City Christmas Spectacular on Instant Netflix. Camille LOVES the dancing and the singing. We don't watch TV all that often, but this is my "go to" when I need to fold laundry or finish up dinner!!

If you thought I was crunchy before, I've taken it to an entirely new level this week, though not intentionally. On Sunday a friend gave me some kiefer grains and they are currently doing their thing in a jar with some organic, whole milk on my counter. I tried a batch over night and while it smelt wonderfully fermented, like sourdough bread, it didn't thicken at all. So, this is my second batch. I fear it will not do much better...

Additionally, the frozen organic chicken carcass that I purchased from a local farm which has moved THREE times with us in the past year, is finally thawing in the refrigerator. I will make bone broth this week. (I had intentions of doing that while pregnant... it never happened!) I also bought some elderberry syrup to give to my croupy baby girl who can't seem to shake this snotty, coughing cold she has had since Thanksgiving. It's just gotten worse. Sunday night she even ran a temperature, although that could be from the molars that a starting to poke through...

Seriously, Sunday she napped for 45 minutes. Monday she napped 45 minutes. And this morning she only went down from 9:45-10:00. While she may be transitioning to one nap a day instead of two, that one nap is going to need to be at least an hour and a half, if not two hours! She wears me out. Which is why I'm finally back at my pre-preganancy weight (14 months after giving birth).  I never get to sit down. She is a demanding little girl. Right now, she wants my undivided attention. She has started throwing little fits (most recently this morning when I would not give her the manicure scissors.) And any time I complain about this, that or the other thing my mom says, "You did the same thing..." AHHHH! Karma's a bitch. She still nurses. She still wakes 2-3 times each night to nurse. She still loathes her car seat. She still cries when I leave her with her dad.  Some days I don't know if I can handle more children.

She is very sweet though. She loves chatting with people everywhere we go, smiling and engaging them in conversation. She is very curious and happy- as long as mom is within sight. She can get on and off her rocking horse and loves to climb. She understands so much and nods her head "yes" or shakes it "no" when we ask a question. Just yesterday while making my bed I was singing "Three Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed..." And off she went. She came back moments later holding her sock monkey. I love it when she makes connections like that. Like when Santa Clause came on the Radio City Christmas show and she went to the bookshelf and got our gnome. (close, they look a lot alike!!)

I am really enjoying yoga (when I get to go). And I'm also giving thought to becoming Holy Yoga certified (again). I shelved the idea when after the last yoga weekend I went on I discovered I was pregnant- yet had no idea at the time...

Here's to finding a little space to breathe sometime TODAY!
Cheers.

Future Parenting Expert

You guys, my child had the worst night ever last night... thus, mama and papa had the worst night ever. She's been handling the sleeping in her own bed thing all night long better and better, although Chris might disagree. But since our move about 2 1/2 weeks ago she's just been in a funk when it comes to going to bed at night. In her crib.

I'm sure she's having to adjust to a new space too. And she has a stuffy nose, cough, allergy thing right now. And her seventh and eighth teeth just popped through yesterday- and today she has a low-grade fever, but I am ready for her to be in her crib 100% of the night. No sneaking in at 3:00 or 4:00...Even if she is going to wake at night- I need my own bed.

Last night she was not having it. After sleeping from 7-9:15pm she would not go back down in her bed. Oh yes, I could rock her to sleep, but upon laying her down- heavens no. You'd have thought I was pulling her limbs off. Of course this is when Chris came home from praise team rehearsal, which made the screaming and yelling that much worse. Til 10:00pm. We were all in tears. Again. And it's been a year.

So, of course today I am trying to purchase, borrow, or download every parenting book recommended to me, in the hopes of learning how to deal with these meltdowns. I say that jokingly- sort of. I know there is only so much one can glean from a parenting book. And I know there are good books and bad books and books by those who are less than professionals on the subject.

Even though I'd like to buy all these books, our budget is pretty tight... so Camille and I just went to the local library. The Tyler, Texas library. It is still as terrible as it was ten years ago when I was in college here. Horrible. And I've wondered this before, but I'll pose the question again here: Why are libraries in the Northeast so much more cared for and updated and lovely than libraries here??

When we lived in upstate NY I truly enjoyed my library time. Some of the libraries were small and quaint. My favorite one in Glens Falls was amazing. Simply amazing. In Manhattan I often visited several of the libraries and even in Queens, but I won't even factor those into the equation, because, I know, it's New York...

The libraries in East Texas house the oldest books. I just went to the parenting section (lest I waste time searching for specific titles) and walked away with four books published before I was born. These are old books! Perhaps the newer titles never make it to the shelves and are forever on reserve and always in circulation... I don't know. But the building is smelly and the carpet is old and the people who work there are odd. Like, they haven't come out of that library since they walked in in 1989.

Anyway, I'm off to read, study, meditate and further learn how to parent this little girl well.

Seriously. If anyone can stay married to the same man, while parenting a child and no-one is killed or seriously harmed- it's nothing short of a miracle.

October, Here I Come

Another month and a half, and no word from Stefani... Sorry about that.

I'll blame it on the moving. And the one-year-old I take care of 24/7. And the fact that I just pulled out my laptop today and was able to connect to the internet after looking for my wall charger for only about ten minutes.

As much as I hate moving we sure seem to do it alot. We found a duplex in Tyler that we have been living in almost three weeks.  We enjoy the location: near Chris' current school, two parks within walking distance and pretty much centrally located in Tyler.

Camille and I go walking (you know, she in her stroller) almost every morning. We are near the Azalea district with its brick streets, huge homes and incredible landscaping- it makes for good walking. Our place is much smaller- feels like luxurious NYC to me. Cramped, but not too too cramped.  Like a $2,000 rental in Queens or Brooklyn.  Even though we are not even paying half of that here, it still seems like a lot of money when we haven't paid rent in quite some time.

I have been diligently trying to drop some weight (30 days til NYC) and have lost 15 pounds. But this week I've gotten prideful - or maybe finally went to the grocery store- and can't seem to stay on the weight loss train. The huge blueberry muffins I made yesterday for Chris' breakfasts have derailed me. That and the Halloween candy I found at Target...

Although we've taken this step, it feels very much like we are still in limbo, still transitioning and waiting for direction. Always. Maybe this is just life, or our faith, or maybe The Chambers are just too nomadic and restless to every feel settled. But we know there is more. And Chris still finds himself desperately longing for a job that he takes pleasure in.

Right now Camille is growing up right before my very eyes. She is a little sneaky girl and loves to get a laugh- what a ham! She got two baby dolls for her birthday that she cuddles and hugs often.  She can stack and unstack her stacking rings. She puts everything in- then takes everything out. She still likes dogs "pup-pup" and being outside but still loathes her car-seat and when the lady at the dry-cleaners opens the backdoor to put in the laundry. Maybe she thinks someone is coming in the car to get her... I don't know, but she looses her head when we go through the drive-thru cleaners.

Her new ($300- gulp) cars seat is supposed to arrive today. Not that she will like it any more than her current seat, as I am keeping her rear facing. For at least another year. Poor kid... This seat should stay with her five more years though, so it's an investment, and we drive a lot here in Texas, I want her safe... But, the temptation to turn her around is AWFULLY tempting. She has now added wriggling back at forth and trying to wedge her arms under the straps to her fussing in the back seat routine.  It kills me. I'm forever, "It's okay Camille." "We are almost home, Camille." "Camille, look out the window." "Camille, lets sing a song..." Exhausting.

We are now one. Twenty-one pounds. Thirty inches tall. (71% for both) and 18 1/2" noggin (80%)

Love that girl. Love teaching her about the world around her and seeing her take it all in.

Short and Sassy

Camille 10 1/2 months 

Well, I chopped my hair. AND I love it. Chris says I'm peppier and more vibrant, as if my hair was weighing me down. I'm not kidding, that is what he says. With an almost 11 month old underfoot, my stylist (who is also a new mom to two month old Paxton at 36-years-old- yay older moms!!) did a wonderful job. Camille is not still at all these days, though still not walking, so it was quite an interesting haircut experience. She played with magazines and bits of hair on her blanket on the floor. And sat in my lap some too. Always entertaining...

Leading worship Sunday left me with that worship-leading-high. I don't think I'm the only one who experiences this, but after singing on Sunday mornings, leading others to the throne, I'm usually lightheaded and hot and feel like I do after a good yoga class. Camille did totally fine in the nursery and sitting with my bestie Lora. 

This week Chris is back at school everyday, leaving at 7:00 each morning. AND speaking of mornings, I was up and drinking coffee alone this morning, because Camille slept through the night, all night in her crib- 7:30pm- 7:00am! And two hours later she was down for a two-hour nap. She is a growing girl. 

This morning I have pushed a toddler up and down the hallways in our laundry basket. I've talked with stuffed animals, peeled and cut grapes and changed two poop diapers. And, I feel great about my job. I like being with this girl all day every day. 

I've also finally given in and scrubbed both of our bathrooms. AGAIN. I was seriously trying to put off cleaning the tub because we have to move. ANY day now... RIGHT? But, we still haven't found the right place, so I just had to. Soap scum, ring around the toilet, tiny handprints all over the mirrors that will be there again tomorrow. 

We seriously need nothing short of a miracle to find the right place. Renting seems like such a waste of money. Everything (that's appropriate for a growing family) is as much as a house payment: $850-$1,300.  But, we feel sort of rushed and aren't sure where we would like to settle: in town, out of town, this suburb, that suburb (if you call the small communities around Tyler suburbs...) And compared to what we've paid the last THREE years ($0) everything seems out of our price range. Isn't there someone's grandmother who needs someone to stay in her second home and feed the donkeys and goats for $250 a month or something??!

...

This week I think about many of my friends: the one who will sell her business, and the one who will buy a business- quitting her job Friday and starting a new endeavor. A friend on a much needed vacation on the Pacific and a friend who will bury a aunt who was like a mother. I think about a friend who will travel to San Antonio this week with in-laws and cousin's visiting from Austria. 

Last week at Bible Study we made a list of what we wanted a friend to be. I wrote:

To me a friend is:

trustworthy

we have something in common (faith, hobbies, family, interests)

loves me when I'm hurting

loyal

open and honest about their hurts/ pains

shows me the 'real' them

hugs me

texts me out of the blue

really prays for me when they say they will

does what they say they'll do (for me/ with me)

someone I like to be around and talk to 

I'm comfortable being myself around them 

Working toward being this kind of friend. Thankful for the friends I have, near and far.

Falling into a Routine

Summer is drawing to a close, friends. The taste of fall is in the air, as leaves flutter by my window and are starting to pile up in the corners of the backyard.

My little one LOVES the water: swimming, baths, the water hose. Since it is supposed to be in the 100's tomorrow and Sunday splashing in my sister's pool is in store I'm sure.

I'm trying desperately to be intentional with my time these days. Thus the blogging and the reading and the stretching alone in the dark. Chris came into our bedroom one night this week and found me in the floor. "What are you doing? Just enjoying the silent, darkness in pigeon pose?" Yes. Yes I am. It also means toys don't get put away every night and highchairs stay covered in carrots and beets and egg yolks. And there might be a ring around my bathtub.

I am excited about our pending move into the big city of Tyler for a few reasons: I will be able to walk out my front door and go for a walk. (I'm pretty sure I've said this before!!) Either in town or somewhere more rural, I don't care. I just want to be able to go for a walk without driving 15 miles to a park. We live on a very busy Farm-to-market road in Ben Wheeler. A stones throw from the "center" of town. Last night I went to sleep at 10:00 to someone singing (terribly) "purple rain, purple rain...." God help!!! There are two music venues that host various "artists" four nights a week. Although I've heard of some of the people, Ray Wylie Hubbard, Wesley Pruitt and other Texas country singers... most are not so great. Unless your drunk- then evidently they are phenomenal.

I'm also looking forward to just newness and being in town. A new church and new routine (maybe somewhat, for a stay at home mom).

Chris is back to the grind- teacher inservice today and all next week. It's hard when this is not how we saw this time in our lives playing out; we pretty much both thought for sure he'd been in an Asst. Principalship by now. It's been almost two years of searching. But, this is how it is. We don't know why. It's hard for me to NOT be able to do anything when I know he greatly dislikes his 9-5 / M-F and yearns for something more- something he's capable of and just hasn't been given the opportunity. More and more and more we learn it's not what you know but who you know and Chris does NOT play that game well. At all. And Tyler is VERY political. As I guess most larger school district are.

Sunday we lead worship, at a church in Tyler, which I'm very energized about. I just don't know if a three month commitment is smart right now, with our pending move and school starting soon, but at least it's just three months for now. So often we say, "We should have said NO" which is something we are both working on.

Today started with a cup of coffee and a cracked nipple. I think Camille is somehow biting me while nursing, though not intentionally. She has four top teeth now, and two on the bottom! I'm not really sure what is going on, only that I am in pain and don't really know how to remedy it. I want to keep nursing, at the same time I have to sores that are not going to heal staying wet and bothered.

Later, we will head into Tyler. I'm getting a haircut and I'm 90% sure that I'm going to chop it. I've been wanting to for awhile and I like my hair short. I like my hairdresser too, and I trust her. Camille will have the ultimate test of just sitting still through all of it until Chris arrives around 4:00 to watch her. Afterward, who knows... Barnes and Noble? FroYo? Baby consignment clothes shopping? Marshall's? The possibilities are endless when you are IN THE CITY.

Saturday Morning, 9:30am

(Fall, 2008 somewhere in Vermont) 

Psalms 13:1-6

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise; 

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and 

you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 

too lofty for me to attain. 

I am so happy that the heavenly Father provided us with the Holy Spirit, who intercedes for us when we don't know what to pray, when there are simply tears. Or all we can do is cry out, "Jesus help me."

When I look at the bigger picture, the BIG picture, I want my life to matter. I want to make an impact, on someone, somehow. People are dying. Lives are being lost. Children are hungry. People have nothing but the clothes on their back... and I have so much. I wonder how my one, solitary life can matter? What can WE do to change things?

Overwhelmed at times, I don't know what to pray for, or how to pray in these situations. It seems like praying for a better job for my husband or a new home are quite selfish. When I realize the majority of my thoughts are wrapped up in loosing this baby weight or what color to paint the bedroom or buying birthday decorations- I am slapped in the face with the reality of how minimal my "problems" are. I am blessed. I am not facing death for my beliefs, or homelessness, or starvation, or sickness...

God forgive me. 

Jesus, help me.

How I can I make a difference?

And I realize now the loneliness of the stay-at-home mom. The monotony. The feeling less of an impact. Like your wasting your talents and loosing your mind and becoming forgotten.

During this season of my life I have to be purposeful with my alone time. With my quiet time. With my talents. I really don't have any time to spare or waste- like I did pre-baby.  My time with God, my worshiping, my prayers- they aren't just going to happen. And I can't rely on church to get me by-- cause I might not make it to church.

I believe God is using this season of my life to grow me. (Like He so often does.) To show me new aspects of His character and teach me about who I am- who I need to be and who I thought I was... (but I'm not...)
...

My mother gifted  me with a sewing machine, and we had a quick lesson on what's what. The machine is OLD, but in great condition and has been serviced. I just need to do. Learn by doing.

I'm grateful that Chris and I will be leading worship together again for a few months. I love leading people to the throne and singing with my husband. I've seriously thought about trying to work through the piano again (it's been years...) so that he can lead on guitar and I can play (chording really.... I can't read music any more).

House hunting has been more of Chris' thing than mine, but the thought of moving and starting anew is always nice. And I really want to be "in town" (Tyler).  Things will be so much freaking closer, and people will be so much freaking closer, and I can open my front door and walk out onto the sidewalk and go for a walk, with or without my baby in tow. (I can't do that where we currently live. It drives me nuts. I'm sure people think I'm crazy when they see me doing circles in the church parking lot.) And lets  be honest, I'm super happy to not be living in this fishbowl any more, where everyone knows where we live, if we are home, honk when then drive by...

I know it's not fall yet. (100+ here today) But, it is approaching. And these pictures made me happy.

Pray without ceasing.
Sorry for the rambling this morning.

2008, Vermont

So much life, so little time...

Yesterday we purchased tickets to visit our friends and family in NYC. The three of us. This fall. And it is seriously the only thing I can think about. Well, that and our pending move. And Camille's first birthday that is quickly approaching. My mommy brain is seriously on overload!

I am very excited to see my dear, dear friends again. SUPER excited to introduce Camille to them all and meet all the babies that have been born in the (almost) three years since we left the city. I'm sure it'll be MUCH colder than I anticipate for November, but we'll make due. Besides, I'll have a baby strapped to me, so that will provide some heat for sure. What I'm dreading the most is flying with Camille. Granted it's only 3 hours and it is non-stop, but I think I've waited until she's ALMOST too old to fly in my lap. Crazier things have happened. People do this every single day. I guess it's my turn to be "that" mom. And, Chris will only be flying the first leg of the trip with me, leaving NYC before we do. Scary scary.

For now, it looks as if Chris will be back in the classroom again, in the fall. You know, since school starts NEXT WEEK for teachers. He's very frustrated and disappointed with the way everything has come about, and NOTHING seemed to work out, as far as Assistant Principal position for him. Eleven interviews... 130 applications... ALL over Texas. We are simply trusting that God has a plan. But even still, we knew staying on staff at this church was not his will for us. Which also meant letting our free housing go.

So, we are looking at buying. Or renting. Or whatever. BUT, we gotta do it soon. Well, sooner would probably be preferred rather than later since we are sort of just squatting in the parsonage at this point.

I am so used to moving, and we've done it so often, I refuse to start packing boxes yet, because once that mayhem starts I feel like my house is a wreck and I just can't take it! I've always packed and boxed and cleaned efficiently in the past (of course this was pre-baby), but I'm pretty sure I can manage.

So, who knows where we will BE on Sept. 21st for Camille's birthday celebration, but it will be low key with family and a few friends. We will do what most Americans do and let her experience sugar and white flour and open presents when she'd rather play with the wrapping paper.

So grateful today for my little girl. She's taught me so much in ten months. And I've learned a lot about myself.

Rise and SHINE

Good Tuesday morning!

What a difference some good sleep can make. Seriously. When I found out I was pregnant THIS was my biggest fear: sleep deprivation. Turns out, you just keep going as a mom- sleep or not. But C slept SO well last night AND is actually napping away right now. A longer nap than she's taken in about a week. Could we be on the up-and-up?!! I hope so. A feverish child for one week is long enough.

We have been terribly lucky with a cool/ rainy summer thus far. I don't even think temperatures have crept into the 100's yet... but this week that will all change. As a family (since Chris is out for summer break too) we've continued to swim at my sisters house. Camille really loves the water. At home she reaches for the water hose each evening when we water the flowers and her new favorite thing is trying to "drink" from the water hose, dipping her face in ever so slowly.

She's changing daily and it's fun to see her learn new things. She's not walking yet, but loves to push her little cart everywhere. She can say mama, papa, puppy and ni-ni (for nursing) but understands so much more. She knows ball, baby and book.  This week when she crawled into the living room from her bedroom with her baby-doll I felt like she was such a big girl. And she loves giving kisses to her stuffed animals too. She likes to "sneak" up on Chris and me and bubbles over in laughter as she "surprises" us.

She's still a good eater and has eaten fruits, veggies, dairy and meat now- but no grain. Her appetite has wained with her sickness, but her current favorites are cheese and grapes (cut into 8ths!) It's so hard no to want to puree all her food. She working on her 6th tooth currently, and the doctor said "It's Fine!!" But I sort of want to peel the grapes to. I am told with the next child, I won't feel this way.

We've enjoyed lots of fresh produce this summer too: squash, melons, tomatoes, peas and okra. Though none of it was from our own garden- but that's ok. I've done much better at  growing flowers.

While Chris has applied and interviewed for more jobs than I care to count- and nothing has worked out- I'm excited about the future and our pending move. Wherever that may be.  Which right now we know somewhere around the Tyler area, since Chris is still teaching at the school he was at last year. And we have a PT/ very tentative worship leading gig lined up for the fall. (just for a few months...)

I am tired of waiting for my life to start. Planning our future. I know you are NOT supposed to live like that. That we are WARNED against living in this way. My life is happening all around me and I need to Be Here Now.

So grateful. Thankful. Thanksgiving prepares the way for blessing.

Motherhood Woes

July 21, 2014

I can't believe it's been 4 months since I last blogged... I mean, I knew I'd not written for awhile and put it aside, for a time, but I thought I'd been more like two months.

Although I said, "the next time this girl naps, I'm napping....!!" She's asleep and I'm writing. I considered a shower and a nap, but somehow I feel like getting these words out will also provide some sort of cleansing. 

I've been mothering a sick kid now for almost a week and it's draining. Not too sick. Not real sick. Just puny and not her happy self. What started as a cough last Tuesday turned into a fever overnight that we just can't seem to shake. And she's working on tooth number six. And trying to walk. So, that's alot for a 19lb girl. I get it. But mamma is tired too!

Last night we went from crib to bed to glider to bed and by 3:00am I was holding a baby girl who smelt of apple cider vinegar and had 102 fever asleep in my arms in the recliner.  I HATE the recliner, but it provided relieve until 8:00am this morning. 

And being congested and feverish causes her to fight naps, or simply demand napping in my arms. On the boob. Gah!

It's almost noon and I'm still in my nursing gown. The ONE nursing gown I own and wash every other day. My hair is matted with infant Tylenol and Ibuprofen, which I HATE to give my child since they have wonderful ingredients like high fructose corn syrup in them. We all smell like peppermint and lavender and she cries like I'm cutting her arms off when she sees the Nosfrida come out... It's just so pleasurable. 

I know these moments are few, and fleeting and overall she is a happy, healthy girl. But on days like today I'm convinced every other mommy is attending mommy and me yoga, or baby music class or strolling up and down there tree-lined street, visiting neighbors for iced coffee at a cafe that is within walking distance. All mamas have wonderful mama friends who are all back at there pre-pregnancy weight and do crafts and have play-dates together. They make lovely rompers for their children out of gorgeous material and feed them only the freshest foods. Right?!

I loves staying at home, but sometimes I wish my ten month old didn't need the boob so often, and for anything from comfort to sleep to nourishment to tiredness. I wish I could have an hour for a pedicure or could hire a babysitter for four hours and just go sit and read and drink a hot coffee while it's still hot. But, this is how we've chosen to raise our child. And, on most days, I'm ok with it. 

Adding to the emotional drama is the fact that yesterday was our last Sunday on staff as PT youth ministers at the church here. So, we are loosing that income (as little as it might have been...) and we have to move out of the parsonage. Sooner rather than later. And that means packing. And moving into a home we've yet to find. With money that we barely have. Joy.

I am very excited about the newness and what God has in store. New city. New church. New growth in our lives and faith. But, climbing that mountain is work.  But the view will be worth it in the end!

My Six Month Old Girl

Real Food

 Camille's first foods- acorn squash and ghee

It's feeling more like spring around here every day.  Although now my car is covered in a dusting of yellow... And I know I'll be griping about the heat soon enough.  But for now, we are enjoying some very nice outside time. 

Camille seems to be growing, maturing, and learning by leaps and bounds now that we turned the six month corner!  She has had her first tastes of foods: acorn squash, avocado and egg yolks. By the way she squeals and acts very impatient during feeding time, I'd say avocado is by far her favorite! She isn't really showing any effort toward crawling, and has just become comfortable on her hands and knees. BUT, she is pulling up now and loves to stand. Not a tooth is sight either. She's almost 14lbs and still in 3-6mo. clothes.

AND, last night she only woke up once! At 2:00am (after seven hours of sleep) she woke up to eat and I was bursting with milk to feed her. I do love nursing!

My days working once/ twice a week are going just fine and Camille does very well. She even naps soundly in her pack-n-play in the dark closet with her sound machine going. (I found an extra sound machine at a garage sale for $1.) 

Sunday we went to the Stockhammer's for lunch (a late birthday get together for me) and I got a food dehydrator!! I'm super excited about making all sorts of dried fruits (without the added sugar or additives) AND fruit leather for Camille in the coming months. 

Outside at the Stockhammer's home 

Camille and the big girls, Micha and Tessa 

Camille LOVES kids and will just talk and squawk and laugh and coo at them.  She had so much fun with Micha and Tessa and would continually laugh and laugh and laugh at them.  Today at Bible study a little boy, Caiden, who always comes over and talks to Camille came up and said, "Hey Camille, it's me again." Kids love babies and my baby is just Miss Socialite and loves kids! 

Yesterday Camille and I went for our chiropractic adjustments... I was in some serious out-of-alignment, which I had been feeling for awhile.  Oh, I just had a rib out of place.... Cause you know, I'm sort of top heavy and weighed down. Doctor Ashley says I need to work on opening up my chest and strengthening my back. Afterward I strolled and Camille dozed through Rose Rudman Park in Tyler.  Even though it's only 25 miles away, living out the the middle of freaking nowhere (where we do) sucks sometimes.

And I think it's because it's all hitting at once, but I feel stuck.  Alone.  Waiting and wondering if we just seriously messed up by moving here and wanting an out.  A new city.  A new job (for Chris).  A new community to belong to.  A new church.

It's been almost two years since we left NYC.  And that is the last place that I felt apart. I know right now I'm going through a new season, of motherhood and curviness and selflessness and joblessness.   I need to sit and BE.  I need to listen and spend time with The Father.  But, I know we were not created to feel so hopeless in our situation.

There will always be struggles and for the Christian, life this side of heaven will never satisfy.  But, we know there is more.  God has more for us than what we are living right now.  And I'm so ready.  There is a reason. And if we continue chasing God, asking Him to reveal His plan, His path, His perfect will... He will do it.

In the waiting, in the stillness- He's here. He's wanting to teach me something even now.  Life is too short to not live in the center of His will.  I want mine to count. I'm tired of churchiness and programs and surface conversations.

Chris was asked to preach Sunday at our church.  I ask him if I could preach.  Or at least testify!!! Oh no, watch out... I'm liable to offend somebody...

Busy Bee

My days are so FULL right now. As I anticipate the warmer weather and coming Spring. Today, I have the front door wide open, and the blinds open and drapes drawn. During Camille's first nap of the afternoon I made dinner (stuffed pablano peppers) and banana muffins that Chris takes for his breakfast during the work week. I also did two loads of laundry...

I seem to try to do about ten different things (multi-tasking to the maximum) during her nap time. Especially since this week we have something every single day!

Work on Monday went pretty well. Camille went down for two naps VERY easily. I set up the pack-n-play and plug in her sound machine, found a dark, quiet large closet and she was quite happy!  Going into work, however, is going to maximize our weeks. But, that is okay. This is not a long term arrangement, if it were, I don't know how I'd do it. Laundry and groceries and Bible study and house cleaning. I don't want to completely neglect Camille, sitting her in the swing (which I also lugged up to the office) and putting on Baby Einstein for hours on end.

Last week, while Chris was on Spring Break, in addition to going to the eye doctor and out for breakfast at the Stockhammer's restaurant (which I still had never done...) I learned the very BASIC ins-and-outs of the sewing machine. My very own sewing machine. Which, was not easy with Camille-- but mom and I managed. I stitched some basic pillow cases and quickly realized, once I got home, that I don't even own a decent pair of scissors. Or a pin cushion. Or thread.... But I do have some material, and ribbon that was given to me and made a very BASIC dress for Camille! It took me an entire afternoon, but I did it.

Camille and I are also registered for baby swim lessons for June/ July which I'm super excited about. The classes are 30 minutes long for six-weeks on Saturdays in Tyler. Yay!!

Those are The Facts... Here's what's on my heart:

The Church. Christians. The Church as a whole.

I want so much to initiate change. Revival. To have local/ global significance. I'm tired of putting Christ in a box. I'm tired of those around me, not loving the church like Christ loves the church. We can't say we love Christ and not love His Church. I think I just miss being plugged in. I miss being a part. I miss working along side my brothers and sisters in Christ and seeing God move. I'm tired of routine, of three hymns, a prayers, two more songs, passing a plate, a 30 minute sermon, and walking out the back door at 12:01pm.

Anyway...
I just want people to want growth.

And all that stuff...

We Need God, All the Time

Happy Sabbath. 
A quick update on how my Lenten journey is going...

I'm really not doing well at all!! Chris has been home on Spring Break and my routine/ Bible study time/ desire to stick to it.... it went on Spring Break too!

Let me update you on my LIST:


My TEN list looks like this:
Whole wheat bread (Ezekiel Bread--- yes, Ezekiel RAISIN bread?? with Ghee??)
Sweet potatoes (and butternut squash, and acorn squash...)
Spinach (and kale with roasted garlic...)
Avocado (Guacamole has avocado, right?)
Apples (Oranges too? and Bananas?)
Chicken (the occasional tofu?)
EggsPlain greek yogurt (with granola and honey?)
Almonds 
Oatmeal

Plain and simple. Water. Black Coffee. Salt. Pepper. Olive Oil.I'll let you know how it goes.


SO, as you can see the only thing I've been pretty good about eliminating is sweets/ sugar...And IF the day found us out and about (ie. our friends lovely cafe for breakfast, or the Whole Foods salad bar) I pretty much ate whatever I wanted. 

Instead of feeling like a complete failure, however, I've let these weeks remind me that I can not do this. I can not live this life apart from Christ. Even if I COULD check everything off perfectly on my little check list, it's not about works or deeds. I need a God. I need a God who is so much bigger than me. Daily. 

And I have two more weeks. I have time to ask forgiveness and move forward and still reflect and learn and grow. It's a journey.
...

There are so many things I'd like to tell you, (and perhaps I can come back to this later today... tomorrow..??) Like how my husband bought a greenhouse and tilled up our entire backyard and we are in the process of getting a garden started. 

How Camille is sleeping in her own room now (for 7 days straight!) and in her own crib now and how mom and dad are back together alone in their bed in their room...

How I finally bought some clothes that fit, (albeit in a size that I'd much rather never had have to have bought. Especially 6 mo. postpartum) I got 4 skirts, a dress, 6 tops and a pair of dressy flip-flops (yes, there is such a thing!!) for $100 at a resale shop called Clothing Mentor.  My mom was able to go with me and watch Camille. I've got to get this weight off!! BAH!!! 

However, when I feel terrible about my body I realize that I really have nothing to complain about compared to so many.

Like my friend who's husband just walked out on her and their two very small children last week... 

Like my friend who has breast cancer and will go through chemotherapy, radiation and a double mastectomy in the coming months. 

Like my sisters new niece (on her husbands side) who was born a month premature. With a hole in her heart. And has now been diagnosed with a genetic disorder. This is not the baby they dreamed of. This is not the little girl they thought they'd be bringing home.

And tomorrow I go back to work (with Camille in tow) part-time. As needed. To help my friend who will have rough days ahead as she battles cancer. I'm nervous about it. Need my little girl to nap well and be happy and I want to still nurture and play and spend time with her.

This week she turns 6 months old. Time has flown. She is such a joy. And a blessing. 

If Chris and I cross your mind, please pray for us as we consider pastoring this church. It's a long story, and neither of us (in the flesh) really WANT to be pastors here. BUT, time and prayer and seeking God's will have led us to at least consider it. Chris put in his resume for consideration... So, we'll see what happens. 

Spring is just around the corner!! 
Growth and New Life.
Leave your eyes open, and don't miss how God is working in and all around you. 

Forty Day Journey

Eight years ago today, I got married. March 5, 2006 I married the one I could no longer live without. BUT, it wasn't this day:

Or, this day

Nope. This was our wedding that happened on October 5, 2006. So, what's this March 5th anniversary all about?!  Well, it's a long story, (if ya want to know, just ask me) BUT, Chris and I were REALLY married on March 5th in the Stockhammer's living room on Harvestwood Drive in Tyler, Texas. 

See, told ya so. 

March 5, 2006 

Christoph and Chris

Lora, Alaina and Stef

...

Today is also Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent.  I did not grow up recognizing or celebrating this day, or this season. Up until very recently I really had no idea what it was all about, besides that whole "giving up something." I hope I don't offend anyone here, but I just read on someone's Facebook post (a friend of a friend- I have no idea who she is, so hopefully she won't ever read this comment here...) that she was giving up "fried apricot pies and cheesecake." No lie. 

I think that if we are giving up fried pies and cheesecake (neither of which I have personally had in eons) then perhaps we might be missing the point. Maybe. Or maybe this particular person really does have an addiction to fried apricot pies and cheesecake. I doubt it. I thinking they will probably replace the fired apricot pie with fried cherry pie and the cheesecake with a cannoli and call Lent a success. OK, I'll stop judging now. Yes, I see the plank in my own eye. I'll work on it first.

For Lent we are going clean. Yes, that means no fritos, or cheetos or doritos. No saltines or potato chips or popcorn. Not even any rice cakes or Almond Crisps or dried apricots or raisins. We are eating 100% real food 100% of the time. 

I started with Jen Hatmakers list from her book "7" and sort of went from there. 

My TEN list looks like this:

Whole wheat bread

Sweet potatoes

Spinach

Avocado

Apples

Chicken 

Eggs

Plain greek yogurt

Almonds

Oatmeal

Plain and simple. Water. Black Coffee. Salt. Pepper. Olive Oil.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm not going to an Ash Wednesday service. I wouldn't even know where to go, besides to my local Catholic church. And I'm not even sure where that is. I am going to diligently try and set aside time to read these daily readings, as I have found them so very wonderful in previous years. (Baby's first nap of  the morning has worked well. I just have to remind myself to SIT DOWN and not run around doing dishes, laundry, paying bills etc. It's me time. It's God's time. Stuff will always be there and will always demand my time. It will always seem more pressing...)

...

 Additionally, THIS BLOG, A Holy Experience, is so stinking good. 

"The next 40 some days isn’t about what you’re giving up —- it’s about Who you’re giving in to. That’s the real invitation of the next 40 some days: Give up a bit of your stuff so that you can give Him more of yourself."

...

I didn't go to Bible Study yesterday, because Chris was still home, and school was canceled and I love time together, the three of us. Even if it is the third day at home... stuck inside because of ice.

Today I skipped MOPS. I went to talk to my most recent employer about going back to work part-time. See the girl I worked with, we grew up together. We were best friends fourth grade through eighth grade. Then, in high school, we just sort of had different interests and went different ways. Working with her from February until Camille was born in September was so nice. Just to be friends again. But, last week something changed in her world- she was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer. At 33 years old. With two little boys. Completely out of the blue.

So, since her life has been turned upside-down I offered to go in a couple of days a week. To help her out as much as I can with Camille strapped to me. I plan on taking my swing and pack-n-play and a big quilt up there next week and just doing what I can do, when I can do it. 

Since she's shared with me I keep thinking about being ten-year-old girls. About swimming parties and sleepovers and boys and all the things we learned about life together. Between then and now we've both been through some crap and some hard times and lived a lot of life. I'm sure we'd both say that we've experienced things we never thought we would. But this. This is Cancer. With a capital C. But it's still not bigger than our God. 

Driving 30 miles to work 2/3 days a week with a 5 month old isn't convenient. But neither is cancer. And I'm really convicted that this is what I should do. For now. For a month or two or three or however long it takes. 

Weird Weather and Preparing for Lent

So many things I'd like to share, so I will jump right in.

Last Friday was SUCH a better day than Thursday. I showered, brushed (and flossed) my teeth, put on real clothes read my Bible, sang along to one of my favorite worship CD's,and worked on my raw, vegan, gluten free macaroon recipe. All this before 11:00am! It was a good day. Saturday was absolutely gorgeous. Early on that morning we discussed taking Camille on her first trip to First Monday Trade Days in Canton (ten miles from our house.)

Leaving home around noon, we didn't get back until about 6:00pm and Camille had a wonderful day- which means mama had a wonderful day too. The temperature was perfect: mid-seventies and there was a cool breeze.

We wandered the antiques and tools and through all sorts of clothes and handmade items. Seriously, you can find almost anything at First Monday! My mom and dad met us there and we ended up making a day of it before going for tacos at our favorite place in Canton, The Taco Shack. Literally, it's a shack, no indoor seating,  but it was still so nice outside. We filled our bellies with $1.25 tacos and headed home. (These are Baja style, California tacos made on corn tortillas with cilantro, lime, grilled onions and cabbage---mmmm good!!)

Camille crashed when we got home (after a nice warm bath. I just HAD to wash the snotty, sticky, lint-necked girl!). All that fresh air and sunshine did her in!!

Sunday the ice storm to end all ice storms moved in.  For some reason we thought it wasn't going to get bad until Sunday night, so we headed to Tyler to have lunch with the Stockhammer's and Alaina. Turns out it got pretty bad pretty quick and we drove in that mess the entire way home. Our normal thirty minute trip took well over an hour.

However, as always, it was so very nice and refreshing to get to spend a few hours with our friends eating (what else) tacos and laughing at stories. My macaroons got a thumbs-up from the taste-testers and Camille loved "talking" with the little people. Kids love a baby, but she loved them too. I am anxious to see how they interact and play together in the coming years. When I look at Micha, who is exactly one year and two days older than Camille, I see how quickly Camille will be growing up.

And I left that evening, not only with some delicious pork loin, but a bag of material and ribbon. Someone gave the bag to someone who gave the bag to Lora who gave the bag to me... (See how nice that worked out?!) Which is great since next week, while everyone is on Spring Break, I hope to learn how to work my sewing machine. Pillowcases and simple window panels are first on  the list.  The bag of fabric has many patterns for little girl dresses that are pre-cut. Viola. Perfection. I just hope I am capable.

We got home Sunday about 5:30pm and I haven't left the house since. Chris's school even canceled classed both Monday and today. I've made lots of eggs, biscuits and every fresh vegetable we had in the house. Our refrigerator is pretty bare, except for lots of Greek yogurt, cottage cheese and eggs. A lady down the road sells the most beautiful eggs for $3.00/ 18.

Thinking alot about Lent around this house. Talking alot about sacrifice and going without and simple living and leaving space for God to talk and move and show us things.
Here is a GREAT WEBSITE for preparing your heart for Lent and devotionals for each day.

Also, here is THE LINK to the complete birth story of Camille. If you are interested!

Five Months and Six Days

I made it through those first rough weeks, those first two months even, fine. Well, you know, all things considered - I did alot of crying and not alot of sleeping, but I felt well. Healthy. Happy. So, so very blessed. And here we are, approaching six months old very fast and I'm sort of feeling, blah. Very blah. Very bored and lonely and tired and fat and frumpy and like I'm losing any intelligence I had whatsoever each day that passes. I know the words to Raffi songs and how to fold a cloth diaper and how to cook dinner and entertain a baby at the same time.

Right now I'm wearing a sweater over my nursing gown (which is spotted with spit-up) and my fuzzy red Christmas socks. I've not showered. I've not brushed my teeth or my hair. It's 11:00am and what I have done is clothed my child (twice), wrangled her while trying to suck boogers out of her nose, washed a load of diapers (that are now piled on my sofa) and a load of Chris's work clothes. What I've considered, but haven't done, is eat an entire bag of "healthy Cheetos" called Bearitos. I opted for a banana and almond butter.

I've made a spreadsheet of costs for my potential Farmer's Market business and got lost in the numbers... I've got such mommy brain.

Most things cost money to do, which I'm trying to avoid doing... It is 40 degrees outside... I do have a five month old to take care of...  I know that this is a season in my life, but right now I can't see past my postpartum flab, way too many clothes that don't fit, the fact that even though my husband works two jobs, our bank account never seems to have enough money...

I don't know why I'm being whiney. Chris tells me to take another placenta pill and cheer up. I know tomorrow I can throw open the front door and perhaps go out for a walk (if Camille doesn't scream her head off one mile in...) since it is supposed to be 70 degrees.

I love my family. I do. Motherhood has changed me, and Chris, and our marriage. It's hard with work and church commitments for him to see her much during the work week. So, the last think I want to do when he comes home at 5:00 is throw a baby at him so I can go to the gym, or for a walk or for a manicure... Especially since 7:00pm is her bedtime and she can get pretty cranky by 6:00pm...

It's hard not to be selfish, but it's necessary to take care of me too.

I just feel like what I'm doing is immeasurable. And often routine and boring.  I know she'll be running around here in no time and I'll miss blowing raspberries on her belly and playing patty-cake on the floor. I do love her gummy grin.

Sometimes I want three more kids.  And sometimes I think, "I am so done..."