For grace to trust Him more

A week ago today I arrived in Texas. I am back. For good. A one way ticket and so, here I am. Now what?

While waiting on Chris's arrival sometime after the 15th of the month, I've been spending my time with family, with friends, catching up, chatting and dreaming. And in no time at all an entire week has flown by. 

Moments have been difficult, when everyone else is at work and I'm left sitting in my pajamas drinking coffee and playing with the dog. I mean, who wouldn't want to be in that situation- except me? Here's the deal: I'm unemployed, uninsured, have no car, no house and have been working as a farm hand for the past eight months (ie not alot of money...) And, I want it all now. 

Admitting this makes me feel terribly selfish and faithless and most of all bratty. It will come. And I should appreciate the friends and family who will let me sleep on their couch and in their guest rooms and eat their peanut butter, but I'm ready to have my own place. I don't want (another) apartment or a rent house.... I want what I want. (Wow, Stef, really? Listen to yourself.) 

It's hard to come back to what I left six years ago and not feel terribly behind everyone else who is 32-years-old. But, Chris and I had NYC. We had what we had for a season, and it was where we were supposed to be. I'm just acting like a jealous child. So, onward and upward. Again, it will come.

I've been staying with friends, attending preschool fall festivals complete with pony rides, cake walks and bounce houses. I've been rocking sleeping babies, playing doll house and making Christmas ornaments. I went to a high school football game Friday night and watched my fifteen-year-old brother march in the band. I went shopping with my sisters and tried NOT to spend any money.  I applied for three jobs online, which nearly did me in completely. Job searching can be so draining. And more often than not it leads me to feel inadequate, hopeless and beat down. This is where Satan gets me: self sabotage and negative self talk. I'm under qualified, I'm over qualified, The market is bad, I don't know the right people, Why did I leave that desk job in Manhattan.....? These are lies. God has not forgotten me. 

...

As the plane descended into DFW airport last Monday David Crowder's song Leaning on the Everlasting Arms/ Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus pumped from my iPod. (This was before the "turn off all of your electronic devices" announcement was made. I was following the rules, ok.)  I could see the lights of downtown Dallas and the entire metroplex lit up. And that was it. I was shook. I felt home. I felt like it would all be okay.  These are my roots and now I was back. For good. No plan. No job. Not knowing much except that this is where we are supposed to be next. 

What have I to dread, what have I to fear, leaning on the everlasting arms?

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him,

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er

Oh, for grace to trust Him more