When I Grow Up...

“MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
― Thomas Merton

“Discovering vocation does not mean scrambling toward some prize just beyond my reach but accepting the treasure of true self I already possess. Vocation does not come from a voice “out there” calling me to be something I am not. It comes from a voice “in here” calling me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God.”
― Thomas Merton

Reflection

This week between 7:30 and 8:30AM I've noticed how the tree right outside our window glows.

In this golden hour the sunshine shoots down our block, rising across the East River on the other side of Queens and lighting up 62nd Street. The rumble of rush hour traffic has already started and the traffic cop hollers her commands in full voice:

"Come on, come on, come on!"

"Let's Go! Let's Go! Let's Go!"

"Move it, Move it, Move it"

Chris says sometimes he imagines that they are seagulls bellowing out there cries. And if you close your eyes and think about it, it really can sound like it. Instead of hideous repetition, it becomes a sort of song, rising above the the steady hum of traffic, which mimic the oceans waves.

This little tree is not ideal and it's not a view of the Blue Ridge Mountains or anything, but it's a tree. It's not really even picturesque, except when it is... But even in the wintertime it's shining with promise, with life. It gives me joy and makes me smile-- and I get to see it daily.

I'm thankful for this simple thing that makes me slow down and think as I rush in from the gym or quickly finish my "read through the Bible in a year" daily reading requirement or take my daily multivitamin.

I'm thankful that God knows just what we need when we need it. Never a moment too soon. He is not slow in keeping His promises.

I am NOT stressed!!!!

There is not enough yoga or acupuncture or meditation time to heal me from the smashing realities of New York City. I take them personal. I want to help, I want to pour compassion and smother love and really care--- but it's impossible to change eight million people in a week. There has to be an inner calm that is tapped into pretty regularly to remain sustained or the monster will swallow you whole.

Yesterday I hit a telephone booth with my fists, beating it like a punching bag after crossing the street. Nothing against telephone booths, but it was the first thing I saw to take out my sudden fear filled rage on. The driver of a teal van "acted" as if he was going to run over me by revving his engine and accelerating toward me as I walked in the crosswalk, legally, with the white friendly "walk now" man illuminated. This driver just wanted to make his left turn onto Second Avenue and in the mean time I seriously saw my life flash before my eyes.

This was after leaving Renew and Restore Antigravity Yoga at 7:15pm. This was after an amazing 12:30pm acupuncture session. This was after a restful Monday off work and purposeful quiet time. And in about three seconds all the hate and anger and frustration I have with life here came rushing back toward me.

So, instead of flipping off the driver of the minivan or kicking his car door or yelling at the top of my lungs, I punched the advertisement on the side of the telephone booth as I cried angrily. Not sobbing, just frustrated tears rolling down my face, reflected by the moonlight- people walking past. I moved toward home and thought how I didn't want this to ruin my evening. I didn't want this interaction to cause a reaction in me like it did, and yet it did. It had brought out my worst and now I had a choice. So I tried to give it up and let it go in the couple of blocks walking home. I don't want to hate my position, my place in the life I've been blessed with because of some idiot driver who wanted to scare me into walking faster.

Although maybe not ideal, I worked through it quicker than I may have in the past. I let it go instead of brewing in my bitterness and climbing down, down, down into the pit of all those things I can't control but try to anyway: that barking dog in our neighbors apartment, tractor trailer rigs that jake-brake at 2:30AM, 8" of snow sludge to wade through in order to get on the bus, $12.00 bottles of Tide laundry detergent, a sore back from carrying way too many groceries, stains on clothes that were sent to the wash-n-fold and unruly drivers.

...

After thinking and looking and asking God to provide affordable acupuncture- I've found it. I'm really excited about it and I'm **hoping** to be able to go once a week. Chris asked me, "So, what actually happens during acupuncture?" Past the needles and the pressure points and the cocoon of calm it forces me into, what really happens? I'm not quite sure, but it works and it's more metaphysical than physical and I'm perfectly fine with that.

Most things that make life worth living; love, homemade bread, watching a seed become a big, bright dahlia can not be explained but must be experienced. And these are what I have to come back to and meditate on and thank God for when I can't see past the moment.