Week 32

 Here's my belly shot from this morning.

 

 

 

And here's me. With my crazy, lazy eye. Have I mentioned my lazy eye?? Well, this pregnancy has really made my somewhat/ not-so-much noticeable left lazy eye VERY lazy. It's something I've had

since birth, but it's usually not that prominent. Unless I'm super tired. For some reason whatever little amount of energy that is used to keep that eye open in being diverted elsewhere. Say, like my ever growing uterus. I'm hoping I don't have to start wearing an eye patch soon, over my good eye, to strengthen my left eye. Like so many other things, I hope people are right when they tell me, "It'll go away after you have the baby."

Tuesday? It's only Tuesdsay???

It has been a rough week already so far. Emotions have been running high. Like someone just turned the knob all the way around and around and feelings are just flooding out. Make it stop!!!

Saturday, I was lucky enough (seriously), to spend the entire day at home - mostly. I did laundry (bedding and towels and blankets and baby things that have been given to us like play mats and the lining from the inside of swings.... I even washed Bella's bedding.) Dusted. Vacuumed. Swept and mopped floors. Bathed my dog. Went through a few more drawers and cabinets trying to rid myself of anything that I haven't used or seen in awhile.

Chris and I did take a trip into Canton and I went to the grocery store while he went to the autoparts store. Grocery shopping in middle America is still difficult for me. Fresh produce and organic selections are limited. I do know people who take coolers to Dallas to visit Whole Foods or Central Market, but I'm hardly ever in Dallas. And who has time to make a special trip??? The last four cantaloupes I've purchased have been a huge let down. Three of them ended up in the trash. Local. Organic. One from Arizona... I'm through trying. And the Texas peaches have had a hard year. So it's all Georgia peaches, local okra, local tomatoes and (more) local crooked neck squash for us right now.

By the end of Saturday I was zonked and sore. I could tell I'd been up and down and on my feet most of the day. It did rain a little at our house Saturday too, which wrapped up the week-long scattered showers that we've been receiving. I haven't had to water my flowers in a week, and our grass is actually a little green now.

Sunday, I lasted about fifteen minutes inside the church before completely loosing it, getting frustrated, being overcome with emotion, and suddenly feeling hot and sweaty. I left. Went home. Immediately changed out of my cute dress, wiped off my pink lipstick, turned the ceiling fan on full blast, laid in bed and cried. (After the sweating and crying and lipstick all over my face I decided NOT to have Chris take that 31 week picture of me Sunday morning that we had planned. So, what you see below is what you get, for now...)

After five-ten minutes of that, I decided I better get my butt up, start reading the lesson plan, and have a piece of cake left over from my sister's going away party. (She moved to Amarillo for pharmacy school.)

Hormonal? Yeah, probably, but I still felt upset, bothered, bitter and lonely. I found out, upon walking in the church, that I was going to be leading a Vacation Bible School class of kindergartners. Oh, and VBS started at 5:30 Sunday night. So, how's six hours for prep time? (And let me be really honest here: I'm not a fan of VBS. I'm just not. I'm really still not a fan of kids. I'm not a good teacher- it's not where I've been gifted and despite being seven months pregnant, I don't suddenly want to be around children. Something else you may not know about me: I've never babysat. I never jumped at the chance to volunteer at children's church or teach pre-k Sunday school. And I think that is okay- with God, if not everyone else.)

So- here I am teaching kindergartners about Paul, and making earthquake shakers and singing songs that sort of convict me a little about my bad attitude. I just mainly had to get over myself and my desires and DO this thing. Two days in and I'm surviving. Just overwhelmed with kid energy at times. Thankfully I have a fourteen-year-old helper who chases them down the hall when they escape.

All of this was because someone with more problems and bigger issues than myself just up and left town Saturday night. No one really knows why, she didn't tell anyone why, but I have my assumptions.... Shouldn't I slap a smile on my face, say a prayer for her, and just realize this is how God planned it all along??

And, yesterday we got some heartbreaking news from some friends we love dearly. People who are far away and hurting and it feels like they've hurt for so long. Like they've had enough pain for one lifetime already. And I don't know what to say to them or what I would say if I were there. I think just being there would make us all feel better, sharing the hurt somehow in hugs and tears and lowered glances.

I know my baby can feel and experience and be affected by my racing heart and anger and fear so I have to let it all go, as best as I can. I have to take deep breaths, pray through it, use some eucalyptus pulse point cream and remember God is still God.

How You View It

Even though it's Texas, and it's summer and it's hot, I gotta say that I feel really lucky that it hasn't been as hot and sweltering as it usually is. It's rained for almost a week now. Every. Single. Day. Which hasn't made it much cooler, but at least it's overcast and only 90 degrees. I say this as I hear and see my friends in NYC complaining about the heat. Yeah, glad I'm not there... I also may be saying this a bit prematurely as we have yet to head into August. I've got the entire summer ahead of me. Baby girl is due on the autumnal equinox.

Our 30 week visit went well. My pride from the month previously (gaining only three pounds in the month) was deflated when I realized I'd gained 4 pounds this visit, in only two weeks. But I'm measuring at 27 weeks and as my midwife said, we like small babies. Not too small. I'm hoping for between 7-8lbs. That's what Chris and I each weighed at birth. That would make me happy. That's what keeps me going to the treadmill each day after work. A study that stated women who exercise have more "normal" sized babies. Yes. Please.

Our first session with our doula is next Thursday night. I'm assuming we'll discuss pain management and fears/ expectations and maybe even practices some positions.... Not sure. It's still very surreal to me to consider our little girl will be here in two months. Then what?! Right now I'm trying to find a pediatrician and that's wrecking my life. It's hard....When you're me I guess.

Our house continues to fill up with play mats and toys and books and baby carriers. It's just crazy to think this was no where in my mind, vision- not my plan, and yet here we are. She's all I can think about.

I'm trying to get my iron in, daily- because it was low at 28 weeks. I thought I was doing so well with the protein thing, but protein doesn't necessarily mean iron. Not the protein I'm consuming large amounts of (yogurt, chicken, fish....) Then, there's the water, which has become more difficult for me to drink because I already feel so full. I don't want to gulp large glasses of water when my stomach feels sloshy and about to erupt already.

My midwife assures me, "oh, you have plenty of room. You're not there yet...."