Good Friday

(Warning: This is not our baby!)

Last Friday our offices were closed and Chris was on Spring Break, so taking it easy was on the agenda!

While Chris was off work last week, I've enjoyed coming home to a tidy house and even a nice seafood gumbo dinner one night (a really amazing meal!)- He really does well, putting away clean dishes, doing a load of laundry here and there. He even changed the sheets on the bed! But even moreso, he's rested all day, been introspective and alone; so, when I get home he's talkative and engaging. I simply say this, because I love it when my husband has stories and dreams and "things God told him" to share with me. And let's be honest, usually I'm the one talking his ear off.

So, Friday we slept in, made a late breakfast and then I headed to New Jersey to visit baby Lewis and his mother Liisa. (This picture is from our first visit to NJ to meet Lewis. It is not our child, though many have said we appear like a little family in the photo above. This is not the case, I just could not resist posting the picture of my hubby supporting a tiny baby in his arms.) I spent the afternoon chatting, ooing, cooing and eating fruit salad. We even took the stroller out for a spin to the pharmacy, Starbucks and the neighborhood park. I had a lovely time before heading to church in the evening for our Good Friday services.

Tazo Vanilla Rooibos tea in hand (one of my new favorite things) I arrived early, changed clothes and prepared for this intense telling of the Crucifixion story. And I was reminded again of a few truths throughout the service:

I love the way Thomas is like, "You say where I'm going we will see you again there. But... No Jesus, we don't know where you are going so how will we know how to get there?" It's so easy Thomas, don't you see? Why do we forget this life is not all there is to it? Eternity awaits. We aren't going to get it, perhaps, this side of heaven. God has placed eternity on our hearts, it will get better than this.

And how Jesus says, "I know there will be troubles and pain and heartache here, in the world, but never fear- for I have overcome the world."

And, how once again, he says, "Up to this point, you have ask for nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, so that your joy may be full." Often, when I'm complaining about one of ten things I'm complaining about that particular day, Chris will ask me, "Have you prayed about this?"

And I'm thinking, "Irrelivant! Just listen to me moan and groan and give me some advice. Some way I can manage this... on my own!"

My biggest problem: accepting grace. I know I need grace, I know I am completely broken and an utter wreck- however it's so hard to look at a perfect, loving, sinless God and know that he did it for me. Sometimes I think I can try hard enough and "get it all right" so I'll need a lesser amount of grace-- or something.

I'm not really sure what I'm think in that moment when I'm pushing away the love and acceptance of the cross, instead of surrendering to it. I believe and confess one thing with my mouth, but in my heart to let his grace continually wash over me---- I feel overwhelmed. I feel like Peter who said, "then don't just was my feet, but my entire body. I'm desperate. I'm a failure. I'm in need of some serious change!"

But God is not in the behavior modification business. God renews, rebuilds, restores, from the inside out. And I can't even stand without grace. And I am far from sinless--- and will never be whole this side of heaven. But- his Grace is Enough and I am covered and if I'm not living under that grace, I'm probably living under guilt.

Good Friday. Yeah, it was necessary. Our God is a just God, and blood had to be shed. And after the service I went home with one of those intense, Holy Spirit headaches I get from worship and praying and tears and some serious heart evaluation.

...

Saturday morning I woke up with the same headache and made myself lay in bed until 9:00, spooning and pillow talking with Chris. I'm usually out of bed by 7:00AM, coffee made, reading in my favorite chair, or heading out the door to the gym.

"I need to do this more," I say to Chris. "This is good for me. This is more necessary than swiffering or doing laundry while your still in bed. I need to do some serious re-prioritizing."