Five Months and Six Days

I made it through those first rough weeks, those first two months even, fine. Well, you know, all things considered - I did alot of crying and not alot of sleeping, but I felt well. Healthy. Happy. So, so very blessed. And here we are, approaching six months old very fast and I'm sort of feeling, blah. Very blah. Very bored and lonely and tired and fat and frumpy and like I'm losing any intelligence I had whatsoever each day that passes. I know the words to Raffi songs and how to fold a cloth diaper and how to cook dinner and entertain a baby at the same time.

Right now I'm wearing a sweater over my nursing gown (which is spotted with spit-up) and my fuzzy red Christmas socks. I've not showered. I've not brushed my teeth or my hair. It's 11:00am and what I have done is clothed my child (twice), wrangled her while trying to suck boogers out of her nose, washed a load of diapers (that are now piled on my sofa) and a load of Chris's work clothes. What I've considered, but haven't done, is eat an entire bag of "healthy Cheetos" called Bearitos. I opted for a banana and almond butter.

I've made a spreadsheet of costs for my potential Farmer's Market business and got lost in the numbers... I've got such mommy brain.

Most things cost money to do, which I'm trying to avoid doing... It is 40 degrees outside... I do have a five month old to take care of...  I know that this is a season in my life, but right now I can't see past my postpartum flab, way too many clothes that don't fit, the fact that even though my husband works two jobs, our bank account never seems to have enough money...

I don't know why I'm being whiney. Chris tells me to take another placenta pill and cheer up. I know tomorrow I can throw open the front door and perhaps go out for a walk (if Camille doesn't scream her head off one mile in...) since it is supposed to be 70 degrees.

I love my family. I do. Motherhood has changed me, and Chris, and our marriage. It's hard with work and church commitments for him to see her much during the work week. So, the last think I want to do when he comes home at 5:00 is throw a baby at him so I can go to the gym, or for a walk or for a manicure... Especially since 7:00pm is her bedtime and she can get pretty cranky by 6:00pm...

It's hard not to be selfish, but it's necessary to take care of me too.

I just feel like what I'm doing is immeasurable. And often routine and boring.  I know she'll be running around here in no time and I'll miss blowing raspberries on her belly and playing patty-cake on the floor. I do love her gummy grin.

Sometimes I want three more kids.  And sometimes I think, "I am so done..."

Spring Planning

Remember May 2012 when we lived and worked on a farm?! Yeah, sometimes we miss those days. Mostly we miss the glorious free organic fruits and veggies we got to eat on, all day long. That was the hardest work I've ever done in my life. And at times lonely. And cold. And rainy. And sometimes I felt like what I was doing wasn't going to matter at all... (wait, this sounds like motherhood...)

We've been trying to decide what and how much we are going to grow in our little garden and we always think back to our farm days. That was some really good eating. Good, quality produce and worth every penny we'd sell it for at farmers market!

Today, I bought some chard and beet seeds. Along with some flower seeds.  An older gentleman at church yesterday gave us some lettuce and arugula seed along with some organic, heirloom tomato seed. The variety slips my mind now, but it sounded feminine and divine. 

I guess I should mention too, that Chris built some tables to grow on this weekend.  They look so nice and well built to me, with screen on the bottom to allow the water to drain from the soil. "What a great idea," I said. "I got it from Martha Stewart," he replied, which was not what I was expecting to hear. After googling "building a lettuce table" he got several ideas and went from there.  The table building went extremely fast with his new nail gun, table saw and air compressor. Thanks to Craigslist (and my father...) Chris is (finally) obtaining quite the tool collection. As every man should. I get it.

Just like I need certain tools and gadgets in the kitchen, he need things in order to repair, build and create. And every woman should have a sewing machine, right?? I've just got to learn how to use the one my mom gave me. First, it needs serviced- just some regular  maintenance since it has been years- and then I need some lessons. We've decided to tear down the mini blinds in the kitchen that cover the large window that looks out into the backyard and replace them with some curtains. Perhaps this can be my first project, sounds easy enough... right?!

While Chris was table building this weekend, and knocking on strangers doors to ask them if we could buy the greenhouse (that looked pretty unused for years) in their yard, I did some hedging and some trimming and some raking. (And yes, the guy with a real Texas name of J.R., told Chris he'd sell us entire thing for $100. This will be next weekends project. Tearing down a greenhouse and then rebuilding it.) I love being outside, and probably more so since it's not too hot yet and it's been awhile.

Today was a grocery store visit and I made a purchase of new panties. I know this may be TMI, but I'm still wearing my "big butt" pregnancy panties. It's been five months... This is not good. I think I was a little convicted at last weeks MOPS meeting when our topic was marriage.  It was impressed upon my heart to buy some new post baby pretty panties to cover my larger bootay. And it's sort of funny, because I aways buy new moms pretty new post baby panties. Something nice for themselves, when all those Hanes Her Way look worn and stretched and boring. And yet, here I am, in these saggy, cotton undies... Whoops.

Rain is on it's way. Cooler temperatures. Which I'm sort of happy about because the allergies around here have been horrendous. Chris' coughing and sneezing and nose blowing kept us all awake Saturday night and Camille has her first stuffy nose. Poor baby. I bought no less than $40 worth of decongestants and antihistamines for Chris yesterday at CVS in the hopes that he can breath again, and get some rest. Camille will just keep on breastfeeding as she is now working on building her own immune system. And I will eat banana bread that I just pulled out of the oven. I'm feeling quite well. 

Five Months Young

 (don't you just LOVE her eclectic style... Mmm...)

At five months old I think Camille's going through a little growth spurt. She gained a pound over the last two weeks (8oz each week!) instead of her normal 4oz gain each week. I know this because I weigh her each Sunday. I'm not obsessive about it, I don't weigh her daily or before/ after feedings... but I do have a spiral that I've tracked her weight in for the past 4 months.  Since she's always been small. Which strangers often comment on. "How old is she?" "She's sooooo little." - Rude people. Rude.  Seriously. A new mom doesn't want to hear it!! I know, she was in the 2% in her weight at her 4mo. visit. (But that huge noggin was in the 79%!!)

I'm so happy to be able to stay home and raise this child. It's not always easy- for me, mentally- for us as a family financially. We are on a tight budget... but for me, it's well worth it. 

This morning I was slow to put her amber necklace on her (I just forgot.) We take it off of her each night... BUT,  as she seemed grouchy, clingy and fussy (gnawing on her fingers constantly) I quickly figured out the problem. I put the necklace on her, dissolved some teething tablets in gripe water (because she won't take them dissolved in tap water...) and put her down for a nap! 

Today the sun is shining, but it did get down pretty cool last night (30's). So we will put off our walk until the afternoon, then surprise Aunt Chrissy at work with some lunch and homemade cookies. (We usually spend our Friday's at my sister Chrissy's house, but she had to work today.) 

I'm grateful that our families are close and can be a part of Camille's life and growing up. They love this girl. In a couple of weeks my sister LB will be home from pharmacy school and we are going to visit the Arboretum in Dallas. Their Spring flower exhibit is always breathtaking. And this year I'll be one of those (MANY) people propping their baby up and trying to snap some photos. In the tulips. In the lillys. In the green green grass with the little waterfall in the background.