Holding Back

This photo was taken on Christmas Eve of last year. Chris and I sang at the 7:00pm Christmas Eve service at church- which was something totally new to both of us, a Christmas Eve candlelight service. That is not something that most Baptist girls grow up doing- but I truly loved it. So much so that we will be singing again this year. The service ended last year with everyone singing Silent Night as they left the church, their candles still glowing. By the end, we were left singing in an empty sanctuary- Chris playing guitar- and "sleep in heavenly peace" echoing off the stone walls. I cried.

BUT, before we can get to Christmas Eve we must first have Thanksgiving. Sunday is our Thanksgiving service at church- which is pretty darn marvelous! It's full of music and people sharing what they are thankful for. Last year I shared. It was pretty much one of the bravest things I've ever done. Within my effort to let other people know that they are not alone, or weird or completly messed-up, I realized the same. So many have said "Thank You for sharing, and being real." So many have said, "I've been there."

Despite someone recently telling me that they feel as if I'm "holding back" I think I'm pretty transparent. Or at least that is my intention- to all persons at all times.

Honestly, I was taken aback by the statement, especially when this person "did" me, with the crossed arms and head turned to the side, facing slightly upward. Then, there was the hair toss. I don't toss my hair! And I sure don't try to come across so snobbishly. And I don't even think that this person meant that I was snobbish, just stand-off-ish. That I was distant, vague, a shell of a person without a soul! I don't know, but I feel like I'm very, VERY real. Yes, I still have my issues, my hang-ups, my personal struggles where I'm like, "Seriously, this shouldn't be an issue for me anymore..." But I have to live in this flesh suit until the day I die, so... I think sin will forever be present.

At any rate, it upset me and I kept thinking about it through the night and cried to Chris while I sat cross-legged on the couch in my flannel pajama bottoms, studying the backs of my hands. As he searched on Craigslist for apartments in Gramercy he said, "Don't worry about it." But I do.

All I know is I don't feel like I'm holding back. Not in the way I perform my daily tasks at my job, not in the way I manage my monies, not in the way I try so desperatly to let people know that they are wanted and needed. I'm trying to Love Well. And "holding back" - it does't mesh well with the goal I'm trying to achieve.

And today, two people have asked me if I'm sick. "You look tired," they say, "pale." "Your eyes are lower than usual." Although, I'm not sure what this means.... I think it's my red lipstick and pale skin. I don't know. But, I'm fine people. I'm really fine, I'm not holding back- This is Me.