Still so Thankful

Last year I posted a piece on my blog inspired by a tradition of sorts at our church, Trinity. Each year, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, we have our Thanksgiving service where members share what they are Thankful for. Last year, I was asked to share at all three services.

Sunday, we were given time during the service to fill out our orange cards that read, "I am Thankful for..." in script across the top, I thought about last year. And now. And all the places I've been in between.

A week after I shared my story with my church last year, I was laid off. God was like, "Here you go. Pushing you out of the nest little one." I had stood before as slew of people and said, with 100% passion and conviction, that I was ready. So, this was my chance. My God-given opportunity to do what I wanted to do, and what I said I was ready to do. What I believed I was put on the earth to do.

In the past year I lost my job, wrote a 50,000 word memoir and moved into Manhattan. I took writing classes and attended free lectures and book signings. My heart was ripped in half & I learned the pain experienced when you love someone so deeply but can't do anything to make anything better for them. Sleeplessness nights journaling, crying, praying, questioning everything I've ever believed.

I spent a month in Texas - with only a carry-on suitcase amount of clothes, no toiletries and two pairs of shoes. I spent six weeks alone in NYC while my husband took his motorcycle across the country. I spent spring break laying on the beach in Cozumel and a week jaunting in-and-out of mid-town office buildings interviewing for receptionist jobs that I am over-qualified for but desperately desired to have.

My middle sister got her pharmacy license and my baby sister got a miracle. One dear friend got pregnant- after much difficulty and many disappointing years of trying, one got off all her prescription medications, and another one got married. My husband turned thirty-years-old and I turned into a carnivore. I've seen true restoration in the life of someone I love dearly, so much so that she even changed her voicemail. Even her voicemail sounds more free, like she has forgiven & let go. Even without a job, for most of 2009, I was taken care of financially; often, in unexplainable, miraculous ways.

And I did get a job- September 28- I became an employee. And I did get published. A short story I submitted to Chicken Soup for the Soul: True Love will come out December 29, 2009. I am so so blessed.

But in all this, I am aware of the hurt and sin and tiredness around me. Last Sunday I found myself raising my hands in worship between someone who just found out her mother has ovarian cancer and there is nothing anyone can do, and someone who's mother decided to leave before she ever held her baby. I looked around and saw people who had buried their children, people who couldn't pay their mortgage, people who need surgery- but don't have health insurance, people who at some point each day consider throwing in the towel on the entire thing.

But I know, I know that even they are Thankful. I know they are because they have told me. We all have hurts- and questions that will never have answers, but our God is bigger than that. And, He's given us so much. He's given us each other.