Stop

I think I've actually slowed down enough (although I feel like I have a long, long way to go) that I'm actually getting it. Although it may be just a tiny bit. I've been turning inward for peace- seeking what God has instilled inside of me, instead of looking for an answer to a problem, knowing all the while there is no solution to life - that it is the ultimate mystery.

I've always though that by doing things and staying busy and accomplishing everything I do in ultra-fast, super-quick, "girl-who-can-do-it-all" mode that I wouldn't miss anything in life. That if I read quickly I could read more books- even though I somehow missed about 50% of what I was in the middle of reading- in order to rush to the next book to read.

Even if have two pots on the stove, one dish in the oven and another stainless steel mixing bowl in my hands - that it may turn out horribly, if you know what I mean. Multitasking means you are missing the experience of just doing that one thing your meant to be doing. More mistakes are made. In the trying to fit All This Life into my schedule, I become the Tasmanian Devil Whirlwind that knocks down anything in my path and blow right over people if need be- because they are slower, or more methodical, or less energetic. (Energy right? Not stress driven.) This city really compliments my desire to be fast paced, which makes slowing down that much harder.

What am I saying? I find that this amped up version of myself is not all that desirable of a person to be around. For example, I got on the bus last Monday night after yoga and immediately pulled out my cell phone. I Facebooked, I emailed, I texted. Glancing to my right, I noticed my very own picture on the screen of the phone belonging to the guy sitting beside me. For three very long seconds I was concerned- wow, am being followed by some low budget reality TV program? That guy was my husband, who had been sitting right beside me for blocks. I was that Not Present.

I'm hardly ever mentally still. In the elevator I'm taking my coat off. On the bus I'm emailing. On the train I'm making my shopping list. At home I am chronically tidying, doing chores, rearranging , etc. etc. And I'm not living, I'm just busying.

So, I've been working on it. On listening during conversations and being aware of what people are really saying to me. I've been trying to see people as "thou's" instead of "it's" as we are learning in our book study. This means that I realize we are all made in God's image & we are all valuable. So often we use people to get what we want and call it networking. Or, we disregard people because of there social class, different opinions or lack of education. Or maybe they really are just someone who is really, really hard to love. Someone difficult to converse with, who is flat out mean, never smiles and is really quite very lonely.

What do I fear most about being still? I am afraid I will get fat and lazy and will have to move back to Texas and live in a trailer. To me inactivity, thoughtlessness, and still are synonyms. Honestly, if I'm still I have to think and I don't want to deal with those things that I know will rise to the top. And what if God tells me something really difficult. Then what? But so far, it hasn't been bad at all. It's actually been really nice & I feel like I'm existing on an entirely new plane. I'm experiencing life within life.