Silence and Solitude

I left yoga, waited on a bus and immediately pulled out my cell phone after finding a seat on a bench with another guy. I felt guilty, I mean, I had just left yoga after all- and I should be continent to continue the stillness and contemplation, but I texted and emailed nonetheless. The guy beside me got off the bus and another guy sat down.

We rode up First Avenue, five to ten blocks, and my eyes wondered. I was completely taken aback when I noticed my picture on the screen of the guy’s phone next to me. There was my face looking back at me. For 3-4 seconds I seriously wondered if I was seeing things, or on one of those candid camera shows. Then I had that terrible feeling that perhaps this guy had just taken my picture.

I slowly turned my head seeing his hands, arms, dark jacket, scruffy beard, face.

It was Chris.

Initially we laughed and my heart even raced a little as I had anticipated staring into the eyes of some stranger and not my husband. But ,more than that I was embarrassed. Embarrassed for not even knowing the closeness of my own husband and for wondering what else I missed out on- on a daily basis.

When I have my ear buds in. When I’m racing to the train. When I’m so selfish all I can do is think about what I have on my agenda for the day.

That week I started utilizing the Daily Office three times a day. That is to Stop, maybe meditate on a scripture, maybe pray, maybe just sit in silence. At first I thought the idea of sitting in silence for 2-3 minutes was silly and unnecessary. But it is not. It causes me to refocus. It makes me center on Christ. I am stuck there- it’s just me and God and I have to be honest. When I take the time to STOP I am continuously conscious of God’s presence.

And because of this I listen better, I don’t over analyze, I’m not forever critical or anticipating how someone will react or what they will say before they even say it. I think these little pockets of solitude and stillness remind me that all I am and everything I do is to point to the Greatness of God. Not the Greatness of Stefani.

I am becoming a non-anxious presence, someone who doesn’t have to bow down and worship at the altar of business. Being busy or just acting like I’m busy does not make me important. For someone like me - who goes and does and fills up my calendar from 8AM-8PM, a city like New York will quickly suck the life out of you. New York loves to make you run, loves to make you feel late, unorganized and scatterbrained even though you are not. It will demand more and more until you have nothing left to give.

Finding the time to stop is like finding the money in your budget cheerfully give. You wonder how you will be able to literally make it if you give- of your money or your time, but afterward you wonder how you lived before implementing these practices.

Not stopping, and not being still for years has manifest itself physically: in headaches, stomach issues and as my chiropractor often tells me, “You are trying to carry the weigh of the world on your shoulders.”

Last Saturday I went for a jog in Central Park. It was absolutely gorgeous, life giving- total “me” time. The sun was shining, the trees were glowing in oranges and yellows, all children seemed adorably cute, I even briefly considered buying a dog- just so I could have one to jog with. AND I truly thought- Why would I ever want to leave this city? It was one of those kind of Park experiences. When I got home I made brunch, did some laundry and tidied up around the apartment. Around 3:00 Chris says to me, “You have not stopped all day long.”

To which I reply, “I don’t need to stop. I haven’t done anything. I’ve jogged, I’ve cooked, cleaned a bit- these are things FOR me. They are things I enjoy. I’ve been doing mindless activity all day- I don’t need to be still.”

Then he told me, “The point of stopping and spending time in silence is not to be mindless it is so that you can be mindful. It is so that your mind can be at a place where it can receive. You have it backwards. Silence and Solitude is not about resting the mind- it’s about using the mind.”