Echo

I realize it's been a week since my last post. It's not that I haven't had time to write, but I've been filling my writing time with research time. Researching where we might be living in July. Searching for doctors online: MD, ND, physical therapy, counselors, specialists... anyone that might take my insurance. And these are things I absolutely hate doing: calling doctors, making appointments, filling out paperwork, verifying costs and coverage with my insurance company. It's exhausting. - And as ridiculous as it might sound, I'm proud for taking some initiative finally and moving toward taking care of myself for a change.

I'll start with last Tuesday:

Tuesday I had two cavities filled which doesn't even phase me any more. After years of dental procedures and dental work- it's just a part of my identity: bad teeth. But when I get patronized about flossing more or brushing before bed or eating fewer sweets I could come out of that motorized chair, throw that weighted vest off of my chest and hit someone. I live with a man who didn't go to the dentist between 1997 and 2007, whom I've never see floss his teeth and he had his first cavity last year. Don't get me started! (too late....?)

But, Tuesday morning, I had about ten free minutes prior to my 9:00 appointment to sit in Madison Square Park.

In an attempt to avoid the downtown morning commuter rush, I left home early, factoring in a little buffer time. Wandering across 23rd street from Park to seventh Avenue I decided to walk through the park. And then, I just sat. I sat while others were strolling through- heading to work with laptop bags and lunch totes and gym bags in tow. I was still while the maddening pace continued. I chose peace amongst chaos, even though my default tendency would be to race around in circles, walking around the neighborhood until 9:00am. But sitting was what I really needed to do- even though it was hard. Even though I'd rather not be self contemplative or think about things.

I've come to learn though, keeping all these negative Nancy's bouncing around inside of me leads to not only mental and emotional turmoil, but that there are physical side effects too. Stress kills, y'all. It's toxic and debilitating.

Sitting in the park enabled me to pray, listen and center myself. It was nice, even though this serene, calmness was bookended by a chaotic, crushing subway ride and dental drilling in my mouth. But I think that is how life goes.

It's about nestling into those ten minutes of tranquility. Taking in the tulips. Sitting in the sunshine. Stopping to experience an amazing art installation: Echo. She was mesmerizing. It's about choosing joy in spite of my circumstances. Cause the waves are going to keep pounding.