When I Grow Up...

“MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
― Thomas Merton

“Discovering vocation does not mean scrambling toward some prize just beyond my reach but accepting the treasure of true self I already possess. Vocation does not come from a voice “out there” calling me to be something I am not. It comes from a voice “in here” calling me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God.”
― Thomas Merton

Reflection

This week between 7:30 and 8:30AM I've noticed how the tree right outside our window glows.

In this golden hour the sunshine shoots down our block, rising across the East River on the other side of Queens and lighting up 62nd Street. The rumble of rush hour traffic has already started and the traffic cop hollers her commands in full voice:

"Come on, come on, come on!"

"Let's Go! Let's Go! Let's Go!"

"Move it, Move it, Move it"

Chris says sometimes he imagines that they are seagulls bellowing out there cries. And if you close your eyes and think about it, it really can sound like it. Instead of hideous repetition, it becomes a sort of song, rising above the the steady hum of traffic, which mimic the oceans waves.

This little tree is not ideal and it's not a view of the Blue Ridge Mountains or anything, but it's a tree. It's not really even picturesque, except when it is... But even in the wintertime it's shining with promise, with life. It gives me joy and makes me smile-- and I get to see it daily.

I'm thankful for this simple thing that makes me slow down and think as I rush in from the gym or quickly finish my "read through the Bible in a year" daily reading requirement or take my daily multivitamin.

I'm thankful that God knows just what we need when we need it. Never a moment too soon. He is not slow in keeping His promises.

I am NOT stressed!!!!

There is not enough yoga or acupuncture or meditation time to heal me from the smashing realities of New York City. I take them personal. I want to help, I want to pour compassion and smother love and really care--- but it's impossible to change eight million people in a week. There has to be an inner calm that is tapped into pretty regularly to remain sustained or the monster will swallow you whole.

Yesterday I hit a telephone booth with my fists, beating it like a punching bag after crossing the street. Nothing against telephone booths, but it was the first thing I saw to take out my sudden fear filled rage on. The driver of a teal van "acted" as if he was going to run over me by revving his engine and accelerating toward me as I walked in the crosswalk, legally, with the white friendly "walk now" man illuminated. This driver just wanted to make his left turn onto Second Avenue and in the mean time I seriously saw my life flash before my eyes.

This was after leaving Renew and Restore Antigravity Yoga at 7:15pm. This was after an amazing 12:30pm acupuncture session. This was after a restful Monday off work and purposeful quiet time. And in about three seconds all the hate and anger and frustration I have with life here came rushing back toward me.

So, instead of flipping off the driver of the minivan or kicking his car door or yelling at the top of my lungs, I punched the advertisement on the side of the telephone booth as I cried angrily. Not sobbing, just frustrated tears rolling down my face, reflected by the moonlight- people walking past. I moved toward home and thought how I didn't want this to ruin my evening. I didn't want this interaction to cause a reaction in me like it did, and yet it did. It had brought out my worst and now I had a choice. So I tried to give it up and let it go in the couple of blocks walking home. I don't want to hate my position, my place in the life I've been blessed with because of some idiot driver who wanted to scare me into walking faster.

Although maybe not ideal, I worked through it quicker than I may have in the past. I let it go instead of brewing in my bitterness and climbing down, down, down into the pit of all those things I can't control but try to anyway: that barking dog in our neighbors apartment, tractor trailer rigs that jake-brake at 2:30AM, 8" of snow sludge to wade through in order to get on the bus, $12.00 bottles of Tide laundry detergent, a sore back from carrying way too many groceries, stains on clothes that were sent to the wash-n-fold and unruly drivers.

...

After thinking and looking and asking God to provide affordable acupuncture- I've found it. I'm really excited about it and I'm **hoping** to be able to go once a week. Chris asked me, "So, what actually happens during acupuncture?" Past the needles and the pressure points and the cocoon of calm it forces me into, what really happens? I'm not quite sure, but it works and it's more metaphysical than physical and I'm perfectly fine with that.

Most things that make life worth living; love, homemade bread, watching a seed become a big, bright dahlia can not be explained but must be experienced. And these are what I have to come back to and meditate on and thank God for when I can't see past the moment.

How it's not going

Regarding item three on this of possibilities, it is not going as planned. Having said this, I am quite pleased with the changes I have been able to make.

Eating only fruits, veggies, nuts and seeds was only doable for about two days. I was hungry. So, I introduced some quinoa, some lentils, corn chips.... I know that I should really "take it easy" when doing a sort of detox like that- but I was hitting the gym doing my regular routine on most days.

Sugar has not been hard to eliminate, for the most part, but coffee--- YES! I've had my coffee with soy milk every day. Decaf, half-caf, at 2:00 in the afternoon --- it doesn't matter, but I've had it. As I journal, or sit in Sunday school, or read my daily devotional, it's just a part of my day. It's so much more than that nutty, bitter taste.

So, I haven't really followed the "plan" that I found, on some website, on some random Thursday as I surfed the web at work- BUT I've maintained a vegan diet for twelve days. Additionally, I'm really trying to limit wheat (from previous experience, this was a good thing for me) and not eat processed food stuffs. Obviously, this does not happen all day every day, but I think it's notable change for sure.

Simply adopting a vegetarian lifestyle, much less vegan lifestyle is a pretty big adjustment. So, I'm not flogging myself for not doing it "right" and not doing what's written on some website. I'm healthy, and happy and the 80/ 20 rule seems to work pretty darn well for me.

I've been eating alot of soup and apples and almonds and rice (and rice cakes with almond butter....). Tangerines, green beans, broccoli and almond milk. And dark chocolate when my antioxidants need replenished.

Why am I drawn to extremes and rules and following a set standard?

Since the age of seven I've been trying to learn that checking things off a list doesn't always mean success. Being first, or fast, or making straight A's or doing all that you can to ensure that most everyone likes you doesn't always make you feel what you thought you'd feel: wanted, desirable, validation or happy at all. Those things have to be found within, by BEing not DOing anything.

Twelve days of Veganing

Yogurt = Dairy (but blueberries and carob are good!!)

Is this even food?

Soft serve fro-yo = Dairy

Cheese & Meat & Wheat = Nada

Sugar = Not so much

T.G.I.R.

Thank Goodness It's Thursday.

(Yes, R is the abbreviation for Thursday, T for Tuesday.) Today is my Friday. Monday we are closed for MLK and I decided to take off Friday, just because. I love four day weekends!

I've filled my schedule, with things I love of course, and have written them in my 2012 day planner. Over the four days this includes: a one-on-one personal training session in the morning, meeting with a women's shelter to find out more about volunteering/ mentoring, as well as acupuncture. These are things I enjoy- trust me. I also plan on taking bags of clothes to Buffalo Exchange to hopefully get some decent money, if they like what I have to offer. I have a worship planning party tomorrow night (which I highly enjoy and usually look forward to.) These are my friends and it's a wonderful time of not only planning, but community as well. Sunday brings church and maybe some yoga.

I still try to stick with my "rule of threes" even on weekends. Especially on long weekends where it might be easy for me to try too hard to be productive and run all over this city.

I'll visit Java Girl and perhaps Target. It's times like this I feel spoiled to have four days to myself to do whatever it is I'd like to do. No babies. No yard work. No part-time job or ill family member to tend to. No pets. No house to vacuum (no vaccum at all). No car to have the tires rotated on. Nothing.

Just me and God and a brand new Pilot Razor ink pen.

...

There are so many mysteries I'm trying to unravel, and all the while God's like, "just seek me in the mystery and you'll be okay." There is no solution, this is not a puzzle. It's a gift. It's One Thousand Gifts.

Today I read about how Esau gave Jacob his birthright and how later his own mother, Rebekah, convinced Jacob it trick his senile father into giving him Esau's blessing. These are twin brothers. This is family. This is a wife lying to her husband and a mother pitting son against son, playing favorites.

I read this and I think God let that happen. However awful it may seem or even be, God knew it was going to work out that way. And why? Why not just do this whole thing nicer? Less messy? More like I WOULD, GOD?

So, today, I'm reminded again, that His ways are not my ways. He let Lazarus die, he let Moses float down that river, away from his mother, he let the three be throw into the fire (which did not engulf them or even singe a single hair!) he let Abraham take Issac up on that mountain to sacrifice him and he let his son, Jesus, die on a cross. It's not always pretty. BUT- God's will WILL be done.

Placing aside my plans, desires, hope-for's and grandiose dreams for His Purpose is not always easy. I pretty much have to release it all again every single day. But I know ultimately I will be happier finding my purpose and meaning as a servant than as the director of this life I've been given. I want to know "why" and "when" and "what now?"

All he wants is faithfulness. Fullness of Faith.

“Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing.... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.”
― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

Revealed

“A true voyage of discovery is not seeking out new lands, but having new eyes”. Marcel Proust

Seeing things in a new way, or with new perspective (age? experience? time?) can be life giving. It can also be very startling as you might realize nothing has changed - but you- and this is how it has really been all along. This new world is really the old world, or is it, "behold the old has been made new?"

...

I finished reading One Thousand Gifts while sitting in the Mid-Manhattan public library the day that it was due! It was such a poetically written book. I've never quite read anything like it, but I LOVE IT! So much so that I will be purchasing it soon so that I can read it with my highlighter in hand next go-round. I was constantly blurting out, at home-not in public, "Oh, listen to this," "Oh, you've got to hear this!" At least Chris appeases me and lets me read lovely passages to him from my books. Discussion usually follows. I have a wonderful man!

We love books. I keep saying if and when we move again (across the globe- around the world- to middle America) I don't care if we get rid of the furniture and couches and knick-knacks that have seemed to lose meaning over time- BUT I can not part with my books and journals.

We spent our 50 degree Saturday wandering the Upper East side with so many others. We stopped by the art supply store so I could get new writing pens. It's so enticing to buy stamps and pretty papers and stationary and brightly colored post-its. But I resisted. We spent a couple hours in the massive Barnes and Noble on 86th Street where we looked at books on farming and gardening and vegetarian cooking. Okay, well I looked at cookbooks. Besides jotting down a couple of titles to check out from the library, a recipe to google later, and some quote about the word "conventional" (vs. organic) I found very little at Barnes and Noble.

I've grown accustom to my neighborhood coffee place for reading and journaling and wasn't liking B&N whatsoever. Which is odd. Maybe it was just that particular day, but the noise and the people and the consumerism of the whole place was driving me insane. Quaint, mellow, authentic- it was not. I couldn't be reflective and I was not motivated, but only drained in a way that I can only explain as devastating.

I've been trying to get away from the florescent lights and the boredom that comes from routine and the way that eyes are glazed over when they say, "Did you find everything alright today?" and they never wait for a response but only focus somewhere that's definitely not this present moment, because this present moment would require thought. Interaction. Engaging.

And thinking about this present moment: sound and sirens and fussy children- too much stimuli- and always being late and pushed and shoved and hearing "f*ck you" hollered on the street outside your window at 5:30AM in the morning while you lay in bed contemplating getting up and walking the four block to the gym in the 22 degree weather- thinking about all of this would be hard. Maybe devastating.

Maybe thinking about things means change for many of us. Or conversations. Or tests. Or trying- again. Or asking for help. So, not thinking keeps us happily content behind our glazed eyes and focus in the distance.

Because in the distance--- that is where one day we will be okay. In the future real life will start and this will be over. Or perhaps it's in a new perception. A new reality. "Having new eyes."

New Years Possibilities

I usually don't make New Years resolutions. Usually, how it works in my life that is around my birthday each year I evaluate, reflect on the previous year- of my own personal life - and sort of put mini goals in place. Plus as a perfectionist, sometimes I have to ask myself why I'm setting goals in the first place. Because if it's simply to move one more notch closer to my standard of perfection, then that is not a good reason.

I can follow rules, and I can impress a plan down on my life and make it work- sometimes it takes time for my mind, body and spirit to all get on the same page though....

But this year I have a few things I'm working on.

1. Read the Bible in a Year - So, first of all I hate to admit that I've never read the Bible cover to cover. I've never even read the New Testament. I've been wanting to do this for some time, and Chris started reading the Bible last January 2011. After spending hours on Amazon trying to decide if I should buy a chronological Bible or a Bible that has a reading from the OT, the NT, and the Psalms each day... I was like, "really, I just need to pick up one of the eight Bibles we have at home and read it!" I opted for the The Daily Bible.

I just found out, however, our church is reading the New Testament in 100 days starting next week. Why didn't I get this information sooner.

2. Volunteer More- Not wear myself out more, but sacrifice. For others, for the sake of those less fortunate and for the sake of community. This means I'll be shuffling some things in my schedule and dropping some me time. I'm going into this with much prayer and not lightly.

3. Give Vegetarianism a try (again) - I was a vegetarian for a few years in right out of high school and in college. I am am mostly a vegetarian on a day-to-day basis. BUT, for the first twenty-one days of 2012 I'm decided to dive head first into veganism. What?!! (Dietary vegan. An ethical vegan doesn't eat honey or have leather goods and will tell you why you shouldn't eat cows or deer or chickens and may even have a piglet as a pet. I will not. Ever.)

I usually don't disclose my personal dietary convictions on here (although reading between the lines is not hard....) but this is what I'm "doing"

Week One: Fruits, Vegetables, nuts, seeds and plant fats

Week Two: add rice, lentils, and non-wheat grains

Week Three: add seafood, tofu, soy (and maybe something else but I don't have my journal with me presently and that is where I have the website recorded- and the specifics.) Right now, I'm working on making it through week one.

Three weeks: no processed foods, wheat, sugar, dairy or eggs. I can do this!!

I'll be honest, I'm okay without meat and I'm not a cheese girl either. , it's the Greek yogurt and eggs that I miss the most. Oh, and half and half in my coffee. Yeah, I've had coffee every morning. One cup of decaf with soy milk. I figure I'm changing alot to live on only plants this week--- I need my morning joe.

Afterward, I'm going to see how I feel and what I want to do long term. Vegetarianism?? Perhaps.

4. Feel less guilty! I can have opinions, likes dislikes, and say "no" without feeling like I might hurt someones feelings. I can only control my actions, not someone else's reactions--- Or bad day.

THIS YEAR I WILL: love well, pray specifically, let it go, kiss my husband every day, use SPF, forgive, say it aloud, think first, speak truth, invite someone, floss, travel somewhere new, affirm, smile at strangers and try something new

Happy New Year

These pictures were taken at the Farmers Market about ten days ago. Today, the temperature will struggle into the 20's, if we are lucky and I will not be heading to the farmers market. Now, vendors are selling mostly tubers and root vegetables- turnips, parsnips, carrots and sunchokes. There are still some apples left, though I've not been happy with my apple purchases lately.

There are some sprouts and leafy greens that are kept flourishing in greenhouses and tomatoes that are grown hydroponically. The cheese guy and turkey guy and organic wine guy are all still there but they hold very little interest for me.

...

I managed to get off work December 30th, which gave me a four day weekend and it was absolutely lovely. Friday I spent in New Jersey. Saturday I spent alone until I got home around 5:00pm. Chris and I rang in the New Year in our traditional way: me passed out on the couch around 10:30pm (sans alcohol) and Chris stoking my hair and telling me to "go to bed."

Evidently, although I don't recall it whatsoever, I woke up at midnight to all the shouting and celebrating and hollering that was going on on the streets below. This combined with the fireworks booming in Central Park made me believe, even if briefly, that I was in a war zone. "I hate New Years Eve. It's scary." I don't remember saying this, but it's exactly how I felt.

New Years Day Chris preached and wonderful sermon, Greatness in 2012- Humility to Honor. Even though we have been together 16 years (!) I have never heard him preach- oddly enough. It was a wonderful morning and we spent the afternoon at home, reading, watching movies and just being together.

Monday it was back to work for Chris so I had the entire day to myself. I complain alot of the time that I never get to be home alone, that Chris is always there. Given this opportunity however, I still spent most of my day out.

My morning workout was followed by a 12:30 massage at my favorite place- East Side Massage Therapy. I was truly relaxed and pampered by Melissa's warm hands and as always the hour was over too quickly. Afterward I had thought about visiting the health food store in my old neighborhood on 92nd or going to Barnes and Noble on 86th street, but I opted for some veggies at Agata and Valentina, stopped at Food for Health for a couple things and walked back home.

I didn't want to sit at Barnes and Noble, because I knew how crowded it would be- and loud. I wanted to sit at Java Girl.

I know that I should be able to sit at home. I could read in my sock feet curled up on my own couch. Teeccinno (my new favorite coffee replacement) would be free and it would be completely as I'd like it. I could play my own music. I could light my candles. I could just sit.

But this is still terribly hard for me which is odd since we have about 500 square feet of space. When I'm alone at home though, I always find myself dusting or rearranging the cupboards or washing the sheets.

So- to Java Girl I went. I found my window seat with the cushy throw pillows and read One Thousand Gifts and journaled. I heard bits of conversations and all the regulars wishing the staff a "Happy New Year." There is a bell on the wooden door at Java Girl and simply coffee on the list of offerings; it's self serve. There are a few scones and biscottis but that is about it. Just people sitting at tiny tables talking.

I really like it there- only four blocks from our apartment- and I'm never distracted by all the quiet that tears my interest away from books and writing when I'm sitting in apartment 3S.

And because haircuts and massages and yummy vegan foods are not enough, I got a $8.00 manicure on my walk home, my hands ready for another work week.