Doing something for myself

Today, I took a couple of those things that give me knots in my neck and did something about them. There are a some things in my life- ideas, programs, relationships that begin with good intentions, but end up dragging me down none the less. So, today in an effort to BE instead of DO, I:

1. Unsubscribed from several daily email that I receive.

These stress me out, especially since I carry a smart phone and I'm constantly getting emails for this, that or the other thing. I feel guilty when I don't read what Dr. Weil has to say about flax seed. Today's topic was, "Worried about getting enough iodine?" No, but should I be? Some emails I have signed up for, Our Daily Bread, Proverbs 31 Woman, Vital Juice, Healthy Bitch, Delicious Vitality, and the list goes on.

Other emails I just get, from purchasing a ticket online, or buying a gift basket once. I've bought so many baby gifts from Amazon any time their diapers or baby wipes go on sale they send my a notification. I get emails from bookstores and from fitness organizations because I ran one of their races once. I can't handle it any more. I'm in information overload. And NOT being able to read every bit of it weighs on me. I need to know all of this, surely. I mean, I did request that this be sent to me, so at some point I must of thought this was pertinent. Some major unsubscribing was in order- and left me feeling liberated.

2. Stop avoiding conflict.

In an effort to approach the unapproachable, and let others know how I feel instead of just stewing in it, I have made the decision that when my supervisor refers to me (and my co-worker) as "you girls" or "the girls" I will let her know I does not sit well with me. Even though she could be my mother, calling me a girls makes me feel immature, inferior and as if my job does not matter. It's just a thing. I do not call the new intern (that is only 19 years old) a boy. It just doesn't sit well with me. And I need to let her know, even though I haven't said anything in the past, I think she will receive my comments well.

3. Lighten Up!

I keep a To Do List. I write things on my To Do List. I check my To Do List. So, I am trying to write it and forget it. That's it. Once it's written down it needs to remain there, on that piece of lined paper in my tiny Mead notebook and not in my head. Conditioner will get bought, I will email my doctor's office, tickets will get paid for, library books will be returned. And if I do forget it's not the end of the world. Right? So what if I have a .30 cent fine. I am not a complete and utter failure. And I don't have to decide right now where Chris and I will have lunch on Sunday with friends.

Today, in Walking With God I read this:

"I don't like the pace of my life. I don't live. I get things done." Yikes!

Slow me down. Help me believe that you know what it best for me. If I trust You, I need not fall victim to the pace of this city, or the fears and worries that gnaw at my heals. The Truth is what I choose to cling to. Joy is what I choose.

(And, don't hubby and I look like total rock stars in this picture? It will be the cover of our album: Middle Aged, Middle Class, Middle America)

To Kindle or Not to Kindle

I like books. I love books. I like buying books and keeping books and loaning out my books and borrowing books.

I hardly ever get rid of my books, because I usually only buy books that I know I will want to read again and again. Or maybe I hope that I will read again and again (It's always a good idea, but then when I do pick up Eat Pray Love again, or Bird by Bird, or The Bell Jar, I think, "Oh, but there are so many other books that I haven't read yet....")

Since taking on personal essay writing and creative non-fiction writing, I have fallen deeply in love with memoir writers. For the past three years 90% of what I read is non-fiction, memoir or self-help. And I do miss fiction. Fiction reading uses a different part of my brain; I'm taken out of my world and hurled elsewhere, and usually elsewhere is a quite interesting place to be. Perhaps not more interesting that my current situation, but at least it gets me out of my own head for an hour or so.

As much as I love my NYC public library and take much satisfaction in going online, searching for a book, putting it in my list and receiving an email when it is ready and waiting on me in the "reserved book room," I wish I could have as much time with the book as I wanted. I wish I could underline the parts that speak to me & highlight the powerful passages. I've started requesting so many books that I don't even have enough time to read them when I get them--- and this stresses me out a bit. "What do I read first?" "What do I return without reading?" "What do I only scan for pertinent information...?" "Do you think the librarian knows that I didn't read this book?" It is a problem I'll admit.

Even now, I'm not just reading Tattoos on the Heart (Which I bought for two reasons. 1. It was referenced twice in a devotional I was reading, on two separate occasions - thus, peeking my interested. And 2. When I searched the book on Amazon, Anne Lamott's quote praising the author was right there across the front of the book jacket, so that pretty much sealed the deal for me.) This, in addition to:

Younger by the Day (which I got at an event where I heard the author speak and, it's also autographed!)

Walking with God (by John Eldridge. I read it on my lunch hour each day... amazing stuff. I highly recommend this book.)

Bittersweet, which is a book of about 15-20 short stories, and I have about six more left... so it's not like I'm in the middle of a huge novel or anything... But still, in my mind, it's unfinished.

Feeling Good & Learned Optimism are two I have on loan from the library, but I may just buy these. Oh, and I do have a third health/ wellness book a doctor recommended. Sitting on my nightstand. Still. On loan. From the library.

I can't even tell you how hard it was to not buy a book when I went to The Strand this past Thursday. I'm really wanting to read Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert and Visit From the Goon Squad.

All these books in addition to my prayer journal and personal journal... my nightstand and purse are weighed down. When it starts to really bother me, the clutter and books everywhere, all that seems to happen is that I move the pile from one location to the next; refusing to house them back on the bookshelf, or take them back to the library unread.

Maybe a Kindle would come in handy? Even though I'm not quite ready to give in, I think it would make my book reading quite easier. Or, maybe I should just commit to one book at a time. Maybe...

Relate-able

I can not relate to this picture. I don't understand beaches or white fences along the shore or lobster boats or wearing navy colored canvas shoes without socks. I wish I knew more of these parts of New England. I hope to seriously, set aside time to get out to those bordering states that are within reach. It is possible to take day trips to other states- something impossible where I'm from.

It's funny how images and art and scents evoke very distinct people or places or times in the past. For instance, Clorox wipes (the fresh scent ones, not the original scent that leaves your hands wreaking of bleach) remind me of my wedding day.

In a flurry of cleaning and dusting and mopping and preparing, Lora and I prepared her home for Chris's and my wedding day. (Well, our marriage day...) And those Clorox wipes played a huge roll in getting the house clean, let me tell you. It's not something I normally keep underneath my sink alongside the windex and lavender scented pledge and magic erasers- so the scent makes me think of cleaning at Lora's house- specifically the day before the Sunday which Chris and I got married.

And her house, it was really like my own house. She and her husband- they were the kind of friends that let us dig through their pantry when we were hungry. I could be honest if No, I didn't really feel like going to Target with her, "but call me when you go to the plant nursery." Between the four of us we could provide you with financial planning, feed you a deliciously flavorful meal, sing over you and encourage you along; speaking truth in love. We built a freaking patio together in the the Texas heat for crying out-loud!

The smell of welding brings to mind my dad and playing in and around the garage in my parents home when I was a child. "Never watch the welding flames and torch, it will harm your eyes," he'd tell me.

The boldness from just a dab of A-1 steak sauce makes me think of eating roast on Sundays after church, when I was growing up. We'd demand A-1 steak sauce in order to pour it, not only on our already moist and fork-worthy meat, but also on our green beans and potatoes. This resulted in rationing of the steak sauce, and my parents limiting our intake- hiding it on the top shelf of the refrigerator behind something we'd never be interested in, like buttermilk. Or worse. Trying to replace A-1 with Lea and Perrins. These are not the same thing. They do not taste the same. But I understand, at the upwards of $3.00 a bottle, for a mere 6 oz. of the stuff, keeping three girls happy in their A-1 fix was not an option. We would have been drinking the stuff if it were available.

And all of these, scents, sounds, people- they make up who I am. At 31 years old, I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. In admitting when I'm tired, angry, uncomfortable, worn out, or just plain at a loss for words.

I don't have to finish a book that I'm not enjoying just because a friend recommended it. I don't have to say "yes" to every offer for coffee, or brunch, or wine at 10:00pm at night. I can feel okay volunteering with women in a city park- cleaning up flower beds, because it makes me feel alive, even if other people don't "get" that.

And I can be okay, and alright when I forget to buy butter or shatter a plate or drop a stack of papers all over the slick tile floor and half to spend ten minutes re-doing what I just did. It's okay. It's really okay. We, as humans, can relate to flaw, with failure, with messing up. No one can relate to perfection.

I can relate to tractor treads left down a dirt road and the smell of rotten tomatoes. I know the sound of a cassette tape clicking over to Side B. I know that way four o'clocks close each night at dusk, but open their petals again the following morning with the sun's rise and the cicadas chirping. I am a wife, daughter, sister, friend, encourager, follower of Jesus Christ. I'm free. I'm healed. I'm chosen. I am a Confident Heart.

A little research

On 5/17/11 9:08 AM, "Stefani Chambers"wrote:

Hello-

I purchased your honey at my local health food store, Food For Health, on 3rd Avenue between 92nd and 93rd Streets, and wanted to know more about your honey.

Not that I question the legitimacy of your honey, I just was wondering if you could tell me a bit more about your location, process, and authenticity of your honey.

Are you a member of the NYC Beekeepers Association?

http://www.nyc-bees.org/index.html

Thanks,

Stefani Chambers

.....

Hello Stefani,

Thanks for purchasing Hi Rise Hive honey. Food for Health also carries my body care products made from my beeswax. Hope you’ll try them!

The honey you purchased is from my bee hives in the East 80s off Park Avenue, on a private rooftop.

Frames of honey are spun in a standard extractor. The honey is filtered through sieves. Then it’s put in the jar. That’s it!

I was one of the first Manhattan beekeepers. I kept bees way before it was legal ;)

I am a member of New York City Beekeeping: http://www.nycbeekeeping.com/

Best,
Joanne Thomas
Hi Rise Hive

Oddities in my pantry

Yes this is local, Upper East side honey that I got at my health food store. Even though this tiny jar- okay it's about 10 ounces, was $11.00- it was worth it.

I have been enjoying my Coconut Butter, as well, that I got for by birthday. I have used it to cook with a couple of times, but mostly I just eat it on popcorn, warm toast (well, when I was eating toast) or, my favorite, by the spoonful. Right now you'd find nothing too absurd in my kitchen. Being wheat, dairy and sugar free is not as hard as I thought it might be, and a couple days a week I do have some sugar (1/4th a cupcake here, a bite-sized peanut butter cup there.)

It's amazing that sugar is in so many things! I was wondering why my soy misto from Starbucks tasted so much better than the coffee I drink at home with soy milk. So, the second time I went in and ask for a coffee and the container of soy milk- I noticed evaporated cane juice on the list of ingredients. Boo! As long as I have rice or lentils or quinoa or oatmeal prepared and ready I am fine. Ooo, and I can eat corn chips too! Only they can't be flavored (milk in the ingredients) and I prefer organic or baked or something with only three or so ingredients.

I've been experimenting with more greens lately, instead of the regular old collard greens or mustard greens or kale. There's bok choy, rainbow chard, Russian Kale, and something I found the other day called komatsuna.

Russian kale doesn't even need to be cooked but just massaged. I clean it and cut the stems before throwing it in a big bowl with olive oil, salt, black pepper and powdered garlic. The last time I purchase it I also threw in the rest of an onion (left over from a previous meal.) After marinading overnight, this stuff is delicious.

I find it odd too, that the rainbow chard and red komatsuna turn the liquid in the pot bright shades of red or purple. These foods are so beautiful! Greens are a bit off-putting, I get that, because they look so much like grass or weeds or stuff that I'm sure if I just picked out of the flowerbed and ate would make you violently ill. Who discovered that you could eat dandelions for crying out loud? I've only tried them once, at my favorite Greek restaurant in Astoria and found them terribly bitter. I'm considering giving them another chance... I'll keep you posted.

I've been eating more nuts and seeds than ever before in my life, and nut butters too. I've avoided these for most of my life for believing the lie that eating fat would make me fat. But we need healthy fats, and in moderation, like most things, they are fine to eat. Say it with me, "Eating a handful of nuts a day does not make one fat!"

I'm happy that I've had some good avocados and tomatoes and melons lately, none of which were local, but I'm happy to see the seasons change. Asparagus is in abundance at the Farmers market, and before too long the harvest will be plentiful!

Getaway

I am deciding today, right here and right now, I've got to get off this island more than I am. Period. In the past six months the furthest I've traveled is Bear Mountain. That's all. I think I've been to Jersey City three times, Roosevelt Island no less than five, Astoria and Flushing Meadows Park in Queens and that is it. I have got to get out of here.

It's easier, for me anyway, to consider vacationing and travel in the Spring and Summer months. Winter is so grey and dead that I just want to hibernate- but this is when I should be "getting away" most of all. Chris has already started talking about the cruise we will take in February, 2012. Stagnant and stuck are not good feelings. This is not to say visiting places that the 6 train can take me to and parks way out in Brooklyn are not necessary, but getting out of NYC is vital.

I need to take people up on their offers of borrowing their cars. I need to visit my friend in Boston, who is only a $30 bus ticket away. I need to go down to North Carolina, or West Virginia or DC... when my friends are taking weekend trips. Or heck, just buying an Amtrack ticket and staying in Connecticut for the night may bring balance into my otherwise lopsided desire for Earth.

Traveling isn't cheep and when you are paying extraordinarily hight rent, it's easy to just push vacationing- weekend getaways or anything else- to the side. But, I'm seeing where that is not really an option any longer. Plus, there are affordable ways to travel, to take day trips or anything to feel part of the real world. Not just NYC.

....

My sister will be here next week, Chris's mom soon thereafter, and then another girl friend from Texas. This weekend Chris will be going with the youth group to Great Wolf Lodge, and I'm hosting a baby shower in June... So, pretty much from now until we leave our apartment in June 3oth, our weekends are busy. And Chris leaves for Rwanda, July 1st. He'll be traveling with our church July 1st- 15th, then he's planning on backpacking around Europe the remainder of the month. (Did I mention we don't really know where we will be living July 1st...? Oh, and moving... not exactly the best time to plan a vacation.)

I don' t know why I got into all of that, only except to say that when I look at my planner (yes I carry a paper date book in my purse!) planning some time out seems impossible. However, we are traveling to Lake Placid with Chris's mom- which I'm really looking forward to, and maybe over Memorial Day weekend I stay with a friend in Boston. I am excited about house guests and seeing people I love and the activities that blow through the streets of this city during Spring and Summer. But, I've got to get the heck out of here from time to time. I just gotta.

Echo

I realize it's been a week since my last post. It's not that I haven't had time to write, but I've been filling my writing time with research time. Researching where we might be living in July. Searching for doctors online: MD, ND, physical therapy, counselors, specialists... anyone that might take my insurance. And these are things I absolutely hate doing: calling doctors, making appointments, filling out paperwork, verifying costs and coverage with my insurance company. It's exhausting. - And as ridiculous as it might sound, I'm proud for taking some initiative finally and moving toward taking care of myself for a change.

I'll start with last Tuesday:

Tuesday I had two cavities filled which doesn't even phase me any more. After years of dental procedures and dental work- it's just a part of my identity: bad teeth. But when I get patronized about flossing more or brushing before bed or eating fewer sweets I could come out of that motorized chair, throw that weighted vest off of my chest and hit someone. I live with a man who didn't go to the dentist between 1997 and 2007, whom I've never see floss his teeth and he had his first cavity last year. Don't get me started! (too late....?)

But, Tuesday morning, I had about ten free minutes prior to my 9:00 appointment to sit in Madison Square Park.

In an attempt to avoid the downtown morning commuter rush, I left home early, factoring in a little buffer time. Wandering across 23rd street from Park to seventh Avenue I decided to walk through the park. And then, I just sat. I sat while others were strolling through- heading to work with laptop bags and lunch totes and gym bags in tow. I was still while the maddening pace continued. I chose peace amongst chaos, even though my default tendency would be to race around in circles, walking around the neighborhood until 9:00am. But sitting was what I really needed to do- even though it was hard. Even though I'd rather not be self contemplative or think about things.

I've come to learn though, keeping all these negative Nancy's bouncing around inside of me leads to not only mental and emotional turmoil, but that there are physical side effects too. Stress kills, y'all. It's toxic and debilitating.

Sitting in the park enabled me to pray, listen and center myself. It was nice, even though this serene, calmness was bookended by a chaotic, crushing subway ride and dental drilling in my mouth. But I think that is how life goes.

It's about nestling into those ten minutes of tranquility. Taking in the tulips. Sitting in the sunshine. Stopping to experience an amazing art installation: Echo. She was mesmerizing. It's about choosing joy in spite of my circumstances. Cause the waves are going to keep pounding.

Spring Gardening

A few weeks ago I volunteered at Saint Catherine's Park. The work involved cleaning leaves out of the flower beds and doing a little hedging around the entrance into the park.

I enjoyed it so much that after our church initiated "community service day" I've decided to become a regular at the park.

Yesterday was the second morning I've spent in the flower beds at the park and, while it's not planting bulbs or watering, it's really rewarding. I was there from 11-1 yesterday and the first time I stopped to look at my watch it was 12:58. Time flies when you are having fun.

Saint Catherine's Park is filled with the sounds of balls bouncing and children hollering and mom's yelling, "Winston" "Harry" "Emma." This is what I hear while toting a trash bag containing wet, soggy leaves as I dodge new bulbs and step through flower beds full of Springtime. There is new growth everywhere, and I get to be right there as it's coming up. I get to see earthworms and centipedes and things that I've come to miss for the past four years that we've been in NYC. And it's nice to go back week after week and see what has recently emerged.

Gardening puts me back in touch with nature. It's work, but I enjoy it. (And it does feel good to be sore from all the squatting and lifting and bending and reaching the next day too. A workout that doesn't feel like a workout.)

I'm not doing it to meet people or even to be involved in my community (the park is 22 blocks south of our apartment on First Avenue), but I'm doing it for free therapy! For the fragrance of daffodils, for earth under my fingernails, for time alone, for doing something so simple that maybe no one else would want to do- that's why I do it.