I shouldn't have a problem sitting here writing. The blinking cursor should be a sort of rhythm, not a intrusive drumming or beating in the frontal lobe of my brain.
Perhaps it has something to do with being stuck inside for nearly forty-eight hours this weekend, but sitting behind a desk for forty hours this week does not sound pleasurable whatsoever. I should take advantage of this opportunity, of this job, of this situation I've been blessed with and write my fingers off; edit old pieces and create new ones. But in this moment, I feel like a pinworm has buried itself at the base of my spine and I just can't settle. Not that I'm in pain, or feeling physical pings of trouble, but more restlessness than anything.
I remember learning about pinworms, flatworms and tapeworms in Mrs. Weatherford's high school biology class. To this day she remains one of the toughest teachers I ever had, but I probably learned more from her than any other teacher. She gave insanely intense lectures and thorough notes. She would deduct points on tests for misspelled words and not underlining species scientific names and not knowing the Latin name for certain plants. She was hard. She gave oral tests- leaving no one any time to dilly-dally and come up with some nonsense answer. You either knew it, or you didn't.
I wondered then if I'd ever encounter such disturbing parasitic creatures. Only metaphorically I guess- those people and experiences that suck the life out of me. Often I'm able to brace myself for what I know might be a tough conversation or an hour long meeting that leaves me limp and deflated, but sometimes those things come out of nowhere.
And sometimes it's just regular business - too much stuff- that beats me down. Looking at the calendar ahead and how each day has something written on it from now until practically Thanksgiving make me nervous. I know I'm not supposed to look that far ahead. I know I'm not supposed to think about any and everything I have going on in the next 10-20 days, but, really, it's alot.
Recently, I've been faced with the reality that I'm going to have to shave down my schedule some. To prioritize. To figure out what matters most and what matters to me most, right now where I am; what I need to be pouring myself into and what I really, want to be doing. What do I want to do?
People, intentionally or not, can pull you into a million different directions until you shatter- into a million little pieces. And there will always be something: a party, a wedding, a shower, a get-together where someone will be in town that you just have to see. There will be friends moving away, doctors appointments, shopping lists, illnesses, times I forget to mail the rent check or buy more toothpaste.
Today as I walked to work, in the sunshine, I felt frumpy and very thirty-one in my sisters old clothes. Everyone else looked well put together and refreshed. Like they were all anticipating the coming fall and couldn't wait to button their winter white corduroys around their tanned summer waists and put their arms through the sleeves of their deep navy blazers. The jacket with that big, brown tortoise button that pulls the entire outfit together right at the navel. I'm afraid mine won't fit.
Confidence in each step, they glide down the sidewalk- like the only thing on their agenda for the week is somehow squeezing in brunch on Saturday in-between spin class, yoga and a standing pedicure appointment at Diva Nail Salon.
I know this next season of my life, as a minister's wife, is going to be different. Better. New. And I'll be in positions I've never been in before. But, I'm truly believing that if I hold on and seek wise council, that I'll experience great growth. That I'll be able to do things I've never thought possible and see myself, if only for a brief moment, through those God glasses that don't register incompatibilities or impossibilities. I think, that I'll really like what I'm going to be doing- because I've been called and equipped to do it. Regardless of how I see myself, label myself or feel about myself day-to-day. God says I'm able.
I, therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, urge you to walk worthy of the calling you have received, with all humilityand gentleness, with patience, accepting one another in love, diligently keeping the unity of the Spirit with the peace that binds [us]. There is one body and one Spirit,just as you were called to one hope at your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all and through all and in all. Eph. 4:1-6
I know what I see in other people, is not really who they are. They are as insecure as I am, about something, on some level. They have bad days too. I'm just grateful that God uses me in spite of my doubt. When I feel like there's no way I can lead a bunch of thirteen year-old girls who worry about fitting into a certain size, when I still worry about the very same thing on some days myself.
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