Budgeting

"The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. God, you will not despise a humble HEART." Psalm 51:17 

Chris has put me on a budget.  This is not a bad thing.  It is really a rather good and exciting thing and I welcome it with open arms.  That's part of the reason our relationship works quite well, I need restrictions and he loves to give them!  Okay, I'm being a bit sardonic, but nonetheless, it works for me.  I need confines, boundaries, someone to tell me what I can and can not do so I can know when and if I am being good or bad and make decisions accordingly.

I have been given a certain amount of dollars per week to spend on groceries & toiletries and anything else I may want (make-up, panties, new stationary, frozen yogurt at Bloomingdales or coffee drinks.)  This seems fair enough.  The only thing I don't like is that dry cleaning comes out of my budget. (I may start looking for that iron...) And, when I do splurge on a pedicure, Chris will have the choice of eating shredded wheat or a can of english peas for dinner.  Or, there is always an abundance of Luna Bars and Protein Shakes.  I am fine with that. Give and Take, Push and Pull, Yin and Yang.

I spent $27 the first day and I am keeping a running total.  I want to know where every dollar has gone.  I should have mentioned he gave me CASH and took my debit card.  Again, he didn't really take my debit card, I gave it up willingly, with a smile even.  This is a good lesson, one I should have learned years ago. 

I am also trying to budget my time... Writing and submitting and editing.  I hate revisions. Drafts 2, Drafts 10, Drafts 14... Final? I think I could keep editing forever.  That is the problem when you're a perfectionist.  It's never perfect.  Our pastor recently said, "While it's our job to aspire to greatness, it's not our job to define greatness."  God is not asking for sinless perfection, just a life willing to be used for Him.  We are no longer under the law.  This is good news for me, cause I could really get wrapped up in all those checklists and forget about the true condition of my heart.   

I got a package from my mom today. A CD of pictures from my last visit home & a bird necklace. First, it was leaves for me, which I still collect and adore, but I have added birds to the list.  I have a few things I collect and like to look at simply because they make me happy. Birdies are one of them. I guess these little trinkets serve as memory holders, bookmarking time.  Little things make me the happiest. 

Like the handful of kettle corn my husband brought me home from work today.  It was delish.  The thing is, I have this amazing addiction to popcorn that my husband does not share, so I have never bought this particular brand (that has quite the reputation)  because the bag is large enough for about 23 newborn kittens to fit into and I'd eat the entire thing while watching one episode of The Biggest Loser.  After several teachers devoured most of it- he brought the remnants home to me. He's a thoughtful guy, and he knows I LOVE POPCORN and, after all, we are on a new budget.  I'm fine with remnants.  It was really good stuff.  I was just a little bothered by the thought of God knows who's hands being in this rather large bag with who knows what on them. (We are talking public school teachers.) But, I wasn't bothered enough to turn down perfectly good popcorn.

This picture, from 1986, was also on the CD my mom sent me.  My littlest sister is "reading" her very favorite book, "Where's Goldie?"  Goldie was a bird.  Each page presented a scenario where the reader would have to find Goldie.  I was thinking about this book and talking with my sister about it, how she'd memorize each page and "read" it aloud, over and over.  This book was the only book she'd even consider for months.  Nothing else would satisfy, and me, being the older, six-year-old sister, I never really got it.  Not then anyway.  But sometimes now, I miss those days, of self discovery and newness in each moment.  Being mesmerized by something so simple.  

Be in the moment.

Be in the moment.

Be in the moment.  

But I seem to always be thinking about what I will cook for dinner, or how I need to mail a card, or dust the bookshelves, or return a DVD.  I am almost always thinking about something other than the moment.  

So, I am trying to STOP. To budget my time wisely.  To budget in "singing, reading the scriptures, being still, watching the river, listening to music."  And when these things happen, without me planning them, to embrace that moment even stronger.  I want to practice purposeful relaxation, not just vegging out in front of Everybody Loves Raymond reruns. Learn a lesson from my little sister in cloth diapers:  recline in bed, read a good book, do something for Self that doesn't require DOing anything.  Find Goldie, that cute little birdie, even though she was found yesterday and the day before, she may have something new to reveal today.  You never know where she might be hiding.