Retreating- Day One

This past weekend was simply amazing. It was just as it was meant to be- all things considered. It was a test of my faith, endurance and complete reliance on the grace of God.

First- let me (again) comment on the heat. I know I'm from Texas and I know it's been over 100 degrees there for what, like 25 days in a row. I get it. It's hot. However, what Texans don't understand is that New York is not equipped or ready for temperatures in the hundreds.

Deep within the tunnels and tracks that run under this city- it's scorching. There's minimal circulation. I was anticipating the air that would finally circulate through the train once we pulled away from the station. However, on a packed train headed upstate, along the Hudson, during rush hour - the air was turned on minimally.

The conductor stated that they were trying to conserve energy and that the train just couldn't keep it cool enough. It was stuffy and warm. While a baby cried and people complained I fanned myself with a fan that I just happened to have gotten for free last week while my mom and I shopped consignment. When I could hear the hum of the air conditioner, even though I couldn't feel it all that much, it made me feel a little better. Something about knowing that the air was at least circulating.

But as soon as it the motor would click off and we were all rattling along the tracks in silence it was just unbearable. I had to talk myself out of going into panic mode and declaring, "Let me off now!!!" The heat zapped everyone's energies and as we swayed left and right rolling along it was strangely quiet. I was left with an eerie feeling that we all might fall asleep and never, ever wake up.

An hour later I finally made it to Graymoor, which is a monastery/ nunnery/ has a housing facility for men in rehab. Mostly it's just used for retreat weekends and spiritual get-a-ways. The various buildings are spread throughout the entire facility on many acres in the hills along the Hudson River. And while I didn't see any nuns or guys in the throws of some deep withdrawal, I did see friars.

Our housing was at top of the hill and I had my own little room which, in some ways, reminded me of being at youth camp again. My room had a twin bed, a ceiling fan, an amazing view and no air conditioning.

There were few air conditioned spots in the entire facility. One lounge area and one of the chapels were cooler- but not really all that cool. The dining hall was about 95 degrees- with no circulation and the room most of our meetings were held in never seemed to cool off. But I did manage to sleep at night- on top of the covers, in minimal clothing, the plastic mattress enveloping me and sticking to my legs.

I know that this is not what I should be sharing and explaining about my prayer and mediation weekend, but it sort of made it what it was. The food terrible- but I ate it. No air- but I didn't complain. I was simply happy to be out of Manhattan during the hottest days I've lived through in the northeast.

Waking Saturday morning and walking the grounds- through the hills and among the green landscape - it was so much cooler. Eighty degrees felt like Springtime. I could breathe again!

...

Friday night we met for group meditation and a little background session on intimacy/ prayer/ Christian meditation. Let me tell you, I was scared to death to sit silent in a room for twenty minutes. Just the thought of it brought tears to my eyes. Mostly, I'm afraid of the thoughts that might surface and fly across my mind like passing clouds. Our facilitator instructed us to just, "let them go" and not try too hard to keep a blank mind.

Having no thoughts is impossible, but the purpose of meditation is to give God a chance to speak. To push all list making and worries and concerns and desires aside and simply sit in His presence. Sounds easy, but it takes discipline.

Friday night I was reminded of my value. Of my part in God's story. Months ago I asked for God to use me and he is. He has answered prayers, removed obstacles, taken away all that is unnecessary.

Friday night's meditation was healing. It was remarkable & all I had to do was submit. Not try. Not judge myself immediately after 20 minutes of solitude thinking, "how was that?" "did I do it right" "what changed" "what did I learn"... and on and on. It's just to be.

The changes that are made- deep within- make themselves known over time. There is not a right and wrong. When you've lived your life as a perfectionist for so long, it's difficult to accept that. But there is peace and freedom when you finally believe it to be true.

This past month (without Christopher) has been a season of deep growth and this was a perfect summation and way for me to immerse myself and really reflect on that. I've been challenged & had to face some fears & have started learning a little more about what grace means.

That was Friday night..... Submitting to the healing power of God and just letting him do his God thing. Even if it was difficult to still my mind for twenty minutes, God doesn't even need five minutes, he just needs me to let go of my desire for security, control and acceptance.