New Life

Have you ever wanted to hear from God so desperately? I mean just waiting, and waiting and waiting? I'm like, "Hello? God? What do I need to do now? Give me something, anything..."

I know God usually shows you the where before the what or how, but with three months left on our lease, and three months until the NYDOE school year comes to a close, I'm realizing what complete and total dependency on God is, more and more.

Chris and I have no idea where we will be July 1st. And when I start to wonder if I missed something or I'm being ignorant or if leaving to find freedom on my own is a better idea, I'm quickly brought back to the Truth. He's leading us, step by step- and in the end I will be able to look back and say, "Oh wow! I would have never been able to do this on my own."

I've been learning, over and over, every single freaking day that I am not supposed to be perfect. I have to let God be God. When I try to do it all in my own strength, not only does it wear me down, stress me out and make me want to give up- but it's not how it's supposed to work. (It's amazing how I have to relearn every single day. Everyday I have to open up my palms and release my grasp. I'm holding on tightly to so many things.) Where I'm weak, he's strong. Plus, perfection is terribly unattractive and off-putting. Who can relate to perfection?

Sunday in church we sang a the simple chorus, "I surrender all to you, all to you" and each time I sang the line, over and over, I imagined letting go of one more thing I was holding onto. Like releasing balloons from my grasp, watching them go up, up, up into the air one at a time. I like this visual. I also have been practicing inhaling on the "I" and exhaling on the "surrender," making this my personal meditation or way to refocus. I also like "I'm safe" and "Let go" but "I surrender" is my new mantra.

Earlier this week this hit me in the face too:

... And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, ⁴endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. ⁵ This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:3-5

I'm still not rejoicing in my afflictions - and I feel very afflicted on some days- BUT I'm praying for the wisdom to trust that God has not forgotten me. Like today when I had to call my doctor in the conference room at work and fought not to cry on the phone when I heard her voice through the receiver say, "I don't know why. You can come in if you want to and I'll run more tests, but everything appears fine. Just give it time. For some reason, some women...." I wanted to yell, "Why don't you know why? You're a doctor?! What do you suggest I do?" But I breathed in and out, "I surrender."

I want to believe that these things happen for a reason. And that all the stuff that is going on in my physical body and in the lives of those I love deeply and all the questions about why things happen like they do- will somehow bring God glory. Somehow.

Tuesday night Chris and I visited our friends who have a new baby boy, Lewis Abraham. He is five weeks old now and was wide awake the entire time we were there, 6pm-9pm or so. He has blonde lashes, and wonderful coloring and doesn't really look like his mama or his daddy - but is a little man of his own. Their first son Basil, died the week he was supposed to be born. That was in 2009.

Since then our community has cried with them, encouraged them and supported them along this terribly painful journey. Through love and tears and travel and counseling and change and acceptance and openness these two people persevere, every single day. And often they find no real answers, only more questions. But they are two of the most beautiful people I've ever met.

They give me hope, even though my stories and experiences are not theirs. When Chris and I arrived at their apartment with fresh crusty bread and Norwegian cheeses and sweet potato oatmeal bars and a couscous salad made with artichokes, olives and cherry tomatoes we were welcomed into a home that smelled of warm lasagna and new life.

While we were seeking to minister to them, they ministered to us. We were going to serve them, and they ended up serving us (some very delicious dinner and dessert too!)

I guess that is what community is all about; cutting the BS and just being real. It makes a world of difference and it does bring hope, and life and something that can't be found in the self-help section at Barnes and Noble or through massage or drinking red wine curled up in the best seat in the house listening to Coletrane. Those are great and necessary and pleasurable- but there's just something to sharing life with other people that the human spirit will die without.