Just a picture.

Oh, I just don't know how I'd make it without this man: my supporter, my cheerleader,

my best friend and the one I have the most fun with.

Even spending the night shopping for boring things at Bed Bath and Beyond

& doing laundry (like we are tonight...) sounds perfectly fine to me. Glorious even.

Sitting

Today when I finally went to lunch at 4:00 and I found myself really wanting to just sit in the dressing room at Ann Taylor Loft with the door shut and read my book I thought about this guy.(The white haired man in the toboggan- in the photo. See him?)

First- don't think I was starving. I ate a Think Thin bar (that I got for FREE yesterday outside GCS where they were passing out samples and coupons...) at my desk around 1:00 and wolfed an apple while walking the sidewalk at 4:00. Think Thin- not the greatest meal replacement bar I've ever eaten... FYI.

Second, I don't really know how I found myself in the dressing room at the Loft. When I left the office at 4:00pm I didn't really care where I was going- just out of the windowless reception area for an hour! It think it was the red "50% off select items" banner hanging in the window--- then to discover that, low-and-behold dress slacks are on sale, well I just had to try some on.

But once in that quiet (I guess it's like that around 4:30) dressing room, faced with two floor length mirrors and lots of lighting- I just had to be honest with myself. Everything sort of washes away at that point.
And I just wanted to sit and tune out the world. Although I'm pretty sure when Beatrice, the nice young associate in the fitting room, discovered me all nestled up on the bench thirty minutes later, reading Walden, she might call security.

...

Chris and I saw this old man in Maine. He was just sitting on this bench. Looking out at this. I'm convinced he's got it figured out.

When I travel to places that are unfamiliar I enjoy stalking the locals. I even have a collection of photographs titled such. I like capturing people in their element.

I don't know much about ocean life. About living near a port or boats or decks. I don't know the swell of the tides before a storm, or the smell of salt water day after day after day, or how a mast directs the wind. Jetty, marsh, seawall- have never been in my vocabulary.

Today at 4:00 I'd have loved to be sitting here. Learning about these. Listening and not talking, not thinking a million questions or hypotheticals- but just sitting.

Where the artists are

While we were in Massachusetts we visited an community of artist. Well, it was really more like a district where artists worked and/ or lived and sold their art. I find it simply exhilarating wandering the sidewalks and peeking at all that has been created.

It's permission to snoop and investigate and become a detective of sorts- or maybe that is just the journalist in me.

Walking by studio after studio after boutique after barn turned into gallery, I create these hypotheticals and stories. I imagine the lives of the artists that have made something from nothing. Each photograph, sculpture, pottery, painting started just as an idea. Started maybe as just an inspiration or an afterthought or a late night one-more-chance last ditch effort. But with
time and vision and much intentional thought something beautiful and unique was created.

Intention. Intentional. This is something that I have been wrestling with somewhat lately. This leaves no room for laziness. This means work and purpose and that I ask myself the hard questions and I'm willing to admit when I just don't know.

I'm willing to learn, to be diligent, to grow, to better myself and not just let life happen to me, but to do something to make life happen.

....

Right now I'm reading Walden and I love it. I should have read it sooner. It may just be all this concrete and the fact that NYC is plugged in all the time--- but it's like breathing in warm eucalyptus to these frozen lungs of mine. I think it's resuscitating me in a way.

...

The weekend "with nothing on the calender" was glorious. It just felt right. I'm pretty sure I said about ten times between Saturday and Sunday, "this just feels good." I haven't felt great about just being in the city in quite some time. I'm always finding places to go and people to go with and not nurturing my soul like I should. This weekend I finally hung photographs and paintings and things in our little Manhattan apartment. Chris and I moved some furniture, turned some over, and put a screen in our window. (Well, he did that.... and most of the hanging too.)

But it made me happy to go to Home Depot and to walk down the aisles of switches and electrical tape and knobs. There are also endless amounts cleaning supplies to get you in the mood if you're not. My best friend in Texas loves cleaning supplies. She has all the gadgets and solvents and solutions. Which is why fresh scent Clorox cleaning wipes remind me of my wedding day... but that's another story.

Chris and I didn't go too crazy in Home Depot, but we did buy special duster to clean our ceiling fan, which I am now afraid to use- lest my entire living room become covered with black specks. I should probably just trust that this product will do what it says it will do----

Chris also made a cover for our radiator... I will attach pictures soon. It looks great, and not like anything I'd throw together. There is just something about watching your man work with his hands!!! Between building a window screen and a radiator cover, moving furniture, and hanging pictures- Chris worked hard this weekend. But overall, I think we both had a wonderful time.

I've missed using that part of my brain that glues and colors and creates and can open the refrigerator and throw together a meal from whatever I might find.

Saturday was a good day, and Sunday was too. Glorious fall weekend in New York- cool, crisp weather in which I get to wear my winter-white coat. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

Thermostat

Art

"Against a bright blue sky, clouds billowed up into a feast of white radiance. In my whole life, I have never been so deeply impressed by a mingling harmony of white shapes and forms such as I saw this day. If you could gather together all the froth and champagne bubbles that have flowed so abundantly at moments of celebration in the course of human history, it would be nothing compared with this sight..." AHAE

This photographer's work in on display in Vanderbilt Hall in Grand Central Station. It's absolutely breathtaking and wraps one immediately in a sense of serenity. Even in Grand Central Station, even in New York City one can find ten minutes to take a deep breath and just sit and look- even if it is "through someone else's window."

This collection of photographs, Through My Window, is a small sampling of the over one million photo's taken within a year, through the very same window in Korea.

....

This exhibit spoke to me.

When I think my writing doesn't matter, or affect anyone I am wrong. I am sure that taking picture 100,000 or picture 738,344 that this artists may have asked himself "what does it matter, is this a good idea, how will this be different than the artists before me?...."

My art is for myself.

It's for my soul and,

it is for so many others too.

At least I'm not a telemarketer

I got my engagement ring back on Saturday. This past Saturday. It was promised to me on August 16th. But now I have a brand new setting and my finger feels much better.

My bloodwork came back normal

FREE carrot cake cupcake just by whispering "twenty-four karats" at Sprinkles

Sunshine and no rain- and more fall like temperatures

A weekend ahead with nothing written on the calendar

Pumpkin Vitatops

$40 dress slacks on the sale rack at Banana Republic

A wonderful gym with great hours, intense classes and tremendous amounts of space for me to leap and bound

Burt's Bees Almond Milk hand creme which smells good enough to eat

Harvest Pizza for lunch on Friday (Pizza Friday's in the office) spinach, broccoli, red peppers, onions, olives on whole wheat crust.......... delicious, and it's free

My camera and journal and nice pens to write with. My shelves of books and lines from Walden that make me feel alive and want to scream, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Scissors and rubber cement and pictures that inspire.

At least...

Overflow

You love me in the sunshine’s warmth on my shoulders, in the winds rustle of

the ginkgo tree outside my window,

Ocean waves methodically rolling

in and out

in and out

in and out.

Before all of these were created, you loved.

Before sands were poured from your hand and the mountains were shaped, you loved.

From dust you breathed life into man,

and to crumbs I will eventually return.

Walking along First Avenue at night sometimes the heaviness that I carry throughout the day seems to lift.

When I’m walking alone among the masses

Furrowed brow, zoning out, zoning into myself,

zoning inside to what’s safe and familiar and quiet.

But even there, deep within me, within who I really I am,

who I really long to be- I am not satisfied or enveloped in security

unless I call on you.

And, somehow in the headlights and streetlights and cigarette smoke escaping the lips of boys wearing backward baseball caps sitting in sports bars at 9:00pm –

the reality of needing to surrender to God’s grace seems to come into focus.

My prayer is to return

To realize the joy of my salvation

To live outward and not inward when I awake tomorrow

Cracking my eyes to the sound of sirens, car stereos, honking and clanking aluminum cans

You died so that I could become fully alive

To brake the chains and experience transformation.

And when I refuse to accept this life, this freedom, this purpose that you have for me

I’m saying your birth was for nothing

and so was your death.

I’ve been choosing to live in the shadows,

in the gray-

where the birds are scared to fly and

their song is a repetitions murmur

Make mine a life that matters

and a past that doesn’t.

Make all these things I do and say

an arrow pointing straight to You.

Vacationland

Portland Maine, Oct. 2011

Just my type

Sometimes I do irrational things. Like spend $9.00 on a manicure (The Thrill of Brazil) instead of using that money for something more responsible. Like groceries or laundry or the earbuds I need to buy to replace the ones that are currently falling apart. Every time I go to the gym I am in fear of getting shocked because the earbud itself is popping apart. Nothing like a jolt of energy hitting you inside your ear. But Chris tells me this can't happen and that the problem could be remedied with a little superglue and I trust that.

Which is why I guess I felt I needed a manicure over new "gym" earbuds. I'm going to glue my earbuds back together... I am working with a strict budget each month- and it's really kept the spending harnessed. Like- I don't do any spending. Groceries, toiletries, laundry, prescriptions... that's about it. Oh, and $9.00 manicures evidently. At least there are only two more days until I get my next two weeks allotted monies. I will be spending the dollars left in my account today at the grocery store to make some Mexican inspired bean salad.

I'm going to a worship executive meeting tomorrow night on Roosevelt Island and wanted to make something that would compliment chili. I think this salad is going to look alot like the salad I made for last months meeting. But this time it will not have black eyed peas, but more beans, and lime and tabasco sauce.

I miss cooking as much as I did in our last apartment. I just get upset and a little beat down working with minimal counter space, a mini fridge and no outlet in the (half)kitchen. So, to maintain sanity and feel better overall, I've purposefully limiting my cooking to when I have ample time (multitasking like I'm used to in the kitchen is not really an option) or to when I have a specific dish I'm preparing. "Throwing" a quick dinner together is not really all that easy. But I'm sure Chris would tell you that I'm holding my own.

While this week has been filled with wonderful moments & realizations- each day has drug by. It has threatened of rain all week- but hardly rained. The wind wails at night and makes it look much colder than it really is. I hate days when I wear my rainboots in preparation for a rain that never comes. Rainboots in general are clumsy and heavy and my feet can't breathe. Luckily, I've been the wiser one this week because I haven't worn them. Just carry an umbrella that has yet to be opened.

This week I've been reminded that my life has a special purpose and plan. It's not all haphazard and arbitrary. There is a sequence and season and reason. I'm wired to be a writer and a foodie and detail oriented. And it's okay that I have preferences and dislikes and wants for my life. It's okay that I'm still uncertain of what I want to be when I grow up. And it's okay- and necessary- that I still have dreams.

Smarty Pants

Well, I hope she doesn't mind, because I'm just going to announce it right here, on my blog: I have a friend who is going to be on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? this coming Monday, October 18th. Quite frankly I think it is an amazing accomplishment in itself. I mean, the testing and auditioning that she's had to go through already --- then to make it to the show itself, well I'm pretty sure that I just don't have the brains for that sort of competition.

She is a whiz at geography and historical facts, as well as pop culture. I can't even do the daily crossword puzzle. And I'm talking about the one in the free NYC Metro, not in the Times or some real paper. She taught in China, has traveled the various countries, worked in many fields and is just all around smart. She's from North Carolina and has the biggest, most soulful gospel voice I've ever heard. She sings from her gut, somewhere deep within that springs from a sincerely love of Christ. She's got it when it comes to the 'sanging.'

America is going to love her, I don't doubt that one bit. She's gorgeous, well spoken and very witty. Honestly, she's one of the funniest people I know. This is partly because she's country, so we can relate on many levels, and also because she's an actress. It's just in her bones.

My favorite impersonation that she does is Vestal Goodman singing .... "I'm gonna take a trip, on the good ol' gospel ship...." You sort of have to know old Southern Gospel music to appreciate our mimicking, not that I actually remember Vestal... but I'm familiar enough. And she's one of the few people I know that remembers watching this show on Sunday morning before church.

When she emailed me that she "got the call" I just about squealed with excitement. And I'm pretty sure I did announce it to anyone that happened to be walking through the reception area at that moment.

I'm so proud of Shirley, just for taking the chance, and for being brave enough to do this thing. She's been studying Trivial pursuit game cards and reading any and every magazine and newspaper she can get her hands on, I'm sure. I got smart friends, y'all!

Blue

Portland, Maine: worlds away from the tall pine trees and fine blond sand of East Texas, but is still felt like "the real world."

Where men wear blue collars and work boots and drive pick-up trucks. Where people live within communities- places their families have been for generations, hundreds of years perhaps.

People play in parks, mow their yards, pick their children up from school in minivans and hang clothes out to dry on clothes lines.

The sun kept us warm in the 50 and 60 degree weather, and when we were out of the breeze it was quite nice. We walked along the shore, climbed some boulders, basked in the sun, pick up sea shells and rocks worn smooth with the oceans constant rolling tide.

In South Portland we visited Head Light an iconic lighthouse just off the rugged shore. The day was gorgeous and I actually went without my coat in the afternoon. In Portland we ate some amazing seafood, of course. Chris had a large bucket of steamers (clams) and I had a nontraditional dish: lobster & shrimp stir-fry.

The clams were phenomenal; although a new

experience for both of us. We've had mussels many times and even prepared them once at home ourselves, but clams are an entirely different experience. The stir-fry was really good and full of broccoli and peppers and carrots and snowpeas (and tons of lobster and shrimp too!!), but given the opportunity again I would not have chosen stir-fry. The entire dish just tasted of teriyaki sauce and I really wanted to taste my seafood.

We walked the brick streets of Portland, stopping in little shops here and there and ending the day sitting in the park watching what appeared to be a sailing school.

I love that the ocean water is a clear blue, and that the coastline is rugged and rocky and not beach covered. New England is full of people who shop at Land's End and Eddie Bauer and still wear flip-flops when it's 40 degrees outside.

It's not my homeland and it's not familiar but it still leaves me feeling better than I've felt in awhile. It makes me feel like it's okay to long for open skies and a place to put my toes in the grass every once in awhile.

Into the woods

For our annual fall anniversary get away (Five Year Anniversary) this year we stayed in Boston. While Chris has spent some days in and around Boston, I have only driven through a couple of times. And while we did sleep only a couple of blocks from Boston University and were in Boston each day- this really wasn't a Boston trip either.

Some really dear friends of ours that previously lived in NY now live in Boston and it just so happened that they were away for the week in sunny Florida. So, they got us a set of keys to their apartment, secured us a parking spot, and sent directions on how to close the widows (among other quirks of their place) and the rest was history!

We rented a car and left Wednesday evening, getting to Boston pretty late. We had no real plans or places that we just had to see, but longed to be out of New York. It was nice to simply lay in bed, at 7:00, 8:00, even 9:00AM and not be able to hear a thing. Nothing. No sirens, no car stereos, no one squabbling on the sidewalk, no people laughing or car alarms going off. It was so quiet. Even in the middle of Boston.

During our days we drove along the cost, stopping to take pictures, grab some local fare, or wander through a city park. We thought about stopping in Salem, but it was too much of a tourist attraction. I might be interested at some point, but I didn't really want to spend an entire day in Salem- waiting in line with everyone else and paying for just about everything. I'm looking for free forms of entertainment!

I've never been much for road trips, but I guess living somewhere where I never experience the road makes it quite nice to get out and hit the open road, even if I do have to sit in a car for a few hours each day. On the drive up to Boston we listened to the David Crowder Band Christmas album that just came out. (And I hate to announce here: The DCB are splitting up!) Because I can't let food go to waste, that night we snacked on turkey luncheon meat wrapped in corn tortillas & roasted Brussels sprouts from the night before. (Don't tell me I'm not frugal. However, eating Brussels sprouts in the car may not be the best idea ever.)

We even cooked a couple of meals in our friends full-sized real life kitchen! I just couldn't resist.

I liked just going; seeing new places from my passengers seat in the Mazda 2. Sitting in the sunshine. We rented a tiny car (because it was the cheapest option) and continuously laughed about how ridiculous we must look. Drinking convenient store coffee and eating Chex mix - this is acceptable road-trip behavior. This, and eating ice cream as a meal!

Our weekend made me truly happy, perhaps the happiest I've been in quite awhile. Maybe it's because I was lenient on myself; not subconsciously imposing a set of rules or list of things to get done. Chris and I dreamed and were honest and had excellent conversation. I love my husband- and we have a blast together. I can not imaging being with someone just for the convenience of it, or because I felt like I could just "make it work." My husband challenges me and asks the hard questions. He thinks I'm pretty great too- which isn't to say, "I'm so great" but I know he adores me.

This back to school "fall time" has been really hard for me. I feel pulled and pushed and squashed in one million different directions. It's partly because I am, and partly because I need to say "No" some, and partly because I need to be renewed, suck it up and realize that some things take work.

Right now, I'm trying to focus on what really matters, to me, to eternity. What gives me joy? Because doing things out of obligation is not where it is found.

Me and Free

I know I've written several times previously about how I take much pleasure in getting a good deal. Bargain hunting and comparison shopping are two things I do quite well.

But when it comes to just plain old free- I will go to extremes.

Today I had my first ever free Sprinkles cupcake. And it was glorious. It was too easy and very gratifying. NYC has dozens of cupcake places, and each one has there specialty, and boasts the reasons why they are the place for the best cupcake. And each one of my friends probably has their own favorite spot (I am still aButtercup Bakeshop fan).

But Sprinkles, the newbie in town, gives away free cupcakes every single day. On Facebook each day they post a secret word that is viewable if you follow, or friend, or like, or whatever it is. Usually they give away 50, today, they gave away 300. Obviously, I rushed uptown on my lunch hour to snag my free pumpkin cupcake. Then, little bag in tow I slowly wandered back to midtown in the sunshine, happy as a meadow lark.

I just want to take the opportunity here to share that I also got a free full-sized Fiberwig Mascara a couple weeks ago. Sephora was passing them out in front of Grand Central. And I also got about six free Fiber One brownies, because I hit the girls at each corner as I walking in Grand Central through the terminal and out the other side. (Is that wrong?) I didn't eat them all at once, or all in one week. My stomach can only handle about 1 of these things every 4/5 days!!! And just today yoplait was giving out free cartons of yogurt.... FREEE!!!!

Nothing tastes as good a a free pumpkin cupcake on a lovely fall afternoon. I split it with my co-receptionist and smiled even wider since Wednesday is my Friday. We're heading to Boston for our anniversary weekend! I can not wait to get out of here.