How You View It

You know no beginning, no end.
You are outside of time of space.

2010 means nothing to you, my birthday, New Year’s Day, the time since my last overdose, the months before my child will be born, the years since my mom died, the days until I’ll be laid off,
the hours that have passed living as a divorcee-
These are seconds to you, breaths.
And you were there in all of it.
It’s all linear. It’s life. It’s all for You.

You do not measure life in college degrees, birthday candles, savings accounts,
donations made or wrinkles.
You are not impressed with my wit, my weight loss, with my frugality, my time spent in prayer, monthly tithe or desire to be an above average employee.
You do not need me. I need you, more than I know.

And it’s all for you.
When it was cancer.
When my wife wanted to leave.
When my sister was admitted into the psych ward.
When he died.
When I was let go after twenty-two years of employment.
When I stopped smoking. And started again.
When I couldn’t pay the rent - when my father wouldn’t speak to me-
when no one even knew my secret life- my sins.
You were there. Even when I couldn't feel you there.
With love. Love that I will never understand.

Because you are:
Forever.
Faithful.
Enduring.
Ageless.
When my mind tries to perceive all these things-
I’m left spinning dizzy, round and round,
Carousel centrifuge.
Crazy drunk in the moment, all other thoughts sink.

Perhaps I am here, now, for “such a time as this”
and with every beat of my heart may I realize and believe
That Your way is best.
To go and do and say, like Esther, “If I perish, I perish”

Where I have unbelief convict me.
Help me unclench my hands around the things I hold onto so tightly.
Let me live like I understand things down here are temporal.
It’s empty and fading.
And it doesn’t matter much at all, to You.

You, my God, have given me all things good, the only things that will remain-
and to those who have “been given much, much will be demanded;
and the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

Thank you for life.
It’s all for You.

17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18