Perception is Reality

This may be the one thing I walked away from journalism school with- perception is reality. Okay, maybe not the only thing- I learned alot about Voltaire, media ethics and the phrase "evoked set." This is what I paid $$$ The Big Bucks for: to get a Master's of Journalism. I have a masters degree. And I am a receptionist, "Hello, welcome to the real world."

In any case, I have had a heavy heart these past few days. Seriously, I'm aware of each beat of my heart. Even though they (whoever they are) say that your heartbeat is an involuntary function, it seems completely opposite to me as of late. Each pulsing squeeze and release. It's as if something is sitting on my chest, and perhaps in a metaphorical way, some thing is. (No, I'm not having a stroke, I already Googled it, spent time on WebMD, and called my Pharmacist sister.) But in those moments I panic, for some unknown reason, and then when I experience the physical results of "freaking out" I really get worried. In my reality- I'm dieing.

I feel bad when I realize that I don't know how to manage my stress or find an appropriate outlet for my worries. I've been saying to friends lately, "You need an outlet, you need an outlet!!" And yet, I wonder about my own outlet. I don't even have REAL stress, real issues- and somehow I work myself into a tizzy trying to "stay calm."

To look at my calendar this week, I don't appear that busy, but I just put myself under alot of unnecessary pressure. I think my mind is constantly reeling. (See, I think, I can't even tell you if my mind is constantly reeling --- how sad is that?) I'm thinking about: packing for Texas, throwing a baby shower, pictures I need to edit for our Spring Concert, learning some music (because I already know most of it) for previously mentioned Spring Concert, my position as Promotional Strategist for the Willow Creek Summit (we are a host site) and what the heck I'm supposed to be doing in this position, cooking a warm dinner for my husband, preparing a lunch for previously mentioned husband, being a good friend (ie listening, responding to emails timely, writing letters, calling, texting, Facebooking when needed), and oh yeah, I have a desk job from 9-6 Monday - Friday.

I do like being busy. That is not the problem. I love hosting. I love using my creative abilities. And, I really gained alot of energy and felt instantly revived after spending Sunday afternoon with those three gals, but I must quiet my mind. For real!!!

I just read a friends blog about her experiences with her new camera, and I am a lover of photography myself. Being in NYC I try to have my camera with me much of the time- you never know what you might see. But, I've also realized that when I'm somewhere, experiencing something, it's hard to remain "in the moment" from behind the lens. When I'm trying to get the right shot or perfect angle I forget that the moment will end. The rainbow will fade, the sun will set, the bird will fly away- and maybe I'll not hear, see, or know what I was supposed to in that moment because I was not listening, looking or mentally present. How very sad.

Maybe it's just age. I'm afraid something will be "wrong" with my physical body. I'm afraid of illness and dieing (Last weekend I was in some pain and looked up at Chris with tears streaming down my face and said, "I don't want to get old.") And as odd as it may seem, ever since I turned 30- it doesn't bother me that people assume I'm much younger. It's as if overnight I'm fine with being perceived as a 20-something. Things like "great skin" and "you have good genes" (Seriously, got that one last week! HA!) make me feel good. I'm just realizing that we have really limited time here on Earth and I don't want to miss an opportunity.

Today, during my lunch hour, I took the train to 59th street up from Grand Central Station to take a CD of pictures to our IT/ web designer/ multi media specialist/ jack of all trades for the choir spring event. Hopefully, some of my images will end up on some marketing materials & used for the background images on slides during praise and worship... Anyway, I took the CD there, but couldn't find the person I needed to give it to, so instead I just sat in the dark, empty sanctuary and reflected. Prayed. Was forced into a stillness that I embraced because it felt so freaking good. It was a retreat of sorts for 20-30 minutes, instead of my normal lunch spent in the loudness of Grand Central Station.

I'm glad our God is constant. Not effected by economic downturn or natural disasters or illness or STRESS. He's not even suprised when I don't feel like it. He is the same as he's always been. I find it encouraging that even in my drama and at times, emotionally driven decisions, He just is.