Screwed

Angst. Unsettledness. Going round and round. Thinking about the same troublesome things and getting nowhere and not really wanting to. Just wanting an out. An answer. An easy solution to a big problem and without taking the time to work through it. Pray about it. Fast. Meditate. Seek God's will.

Ever been there?

I've cried this week and had to confess to my husband, I don't know why I'm crying. Little things have hurt my feelings and I want so badly to know I'm living the life I'm supposed to be living. (My husband is wonderful at just listening and not trying to fix things or make it better, even though he longs to.)It's a guy thing, I get that, he longs to protect and provide insite. But, he understands that sometimes my feelings must be felt.

Sometimes I'm weary, bothered, ready to plan the next thing. When I get like this I know why it is- is because I've forgotten who's I am and that only finding my strength and source of life IN HIM will make me satisfied. Only when I define myself as a follower of Christ and see myself through his eyes will I be truly filled.

As Solomon states, so wonderfully in Ecclesiastes 2- It is all futile. Houses and land and gardens and gold and jewels and jobs and accomplishments and doing more and more and more does not satisfy. We are living in a time of insatiable appetites. We are living in a time where a place like Bloomingdales exists and has an entire floor designated for fragances and cosmetics that sale for the upwards of $90 for 2 ounces and people are buyingthis stuff. We are living where we buy and spend and want something, tangible or not, that will make us feel special. Like we matter. And we are constantly dissatisfied.

When I considered all that I had accomplished and what I had labored to achieve, I found everything to be futile and a pursuit of the wind. There was nothing to be gained under the sun.

Me personally, I'm always wanting a new "goal." Like my life isn't good enough, unless I'm working toward something more. And this in itself is not a bad thing. I've learned to run-powering through, doing more, feeling proud when I did 2 miles, then 6, then 10. I've lost 10 pounds, then 20, then 30, and while I was healthy in my method and have maintained this for a couple years now- it didn't make me as happy as I always thought it would. I assumed happy= thin. But also assume thin=pretty. Both of which I discovered are not really true and even 30 pounds down I don't think of myself as thin. And the "how low can the number go" game got old realy quick. I can cook, take a decent photo, and I've been published twice. But I still go back to, "and what's next?" It's all futile.

I want to decoupage more. I want to blow up my photographs to 20 X 30 and hang them on my walls. I want to make throw pillows out of the white sundress I wore at my wedding showers. I want to make collages again and handmade note cards and cut things out of magazines. I want to remember what it is like to create things for the sake of creating. To make something from nothing just because it makes me happy. I want to be willing to make mistakes, and mess up and take time to do something for myself.

Let all these things simply be that: things. Let all these things not define me, but be ways I can bless, be blessed and maintain sanity!!