Falling

This is the first Fall, since we've lived in the Northeast, that Chris and I did not get the opportunity to leaf peep. We've gone for three October's in a row - New England, Vermont, Canada- and I have not tired of it. I love the colors of fall, looking out across the rolling mountains and seeing God's creation in yellows and reds and oranges. It leaves me speechless & still (neither of which happen too often). Ah, Fall in New England, so romantic.

So, this year no trip- but that is okay. There will be more trips and more scenes and more life ahead. Right now I'm not going to pretend that I have it all together or that I'm doing perfectly wonderful. And that is okay. You experience life in the pulse of the tide. It comes in waves, and there is only so far that tears and laying flat on your back counting the glittery flecks in your celling for hours at a time will get you.

I cling to what is known, what is routine, what is comfortable & familiar & all that I know to be True. Like oatmeal with a pat of butter, raisins, a few crumbled walnuts and a dollop of honey- warming me from the inside out. I don't want to meet new people right now, I don't want to have to try. I long for my oversized cashmere sweater & favorite ink pen. It's not that I'm experiencing a creative block or am trying to withdraw (although I briefly considered it...). I can laugh, I can have a glass of wine and sing along with Stevie Nicks it's just that sometimes it becomes a bit much. Life doesn't make sence. I don't have the answers and I hit a wall.

Maybe it's just getting more mature but things come into perspective a little more easily these days and I don't take everything so seriously and I don't worry about offending someone by not attending their birthday party at 10:00pm at a drag queen karaoke bar.

The thing is I'm hoping that each time I hit a wall, each time I fall down that I'm learning something. Something about myself, or where I need to grow, or about the God I worship. I hope that I'm changing: stopping to enjoy the mystery of life- the unknown. Even when it hurts. Even when I think that God (if there is a God!) must have forgotten me- because what I'm going through doesn't seem like anything a loving God would ever allow a person to go through.

But that is why silence is important, it seems, when all I know to be true and right feels so far away and shallow. Journaling. Fasting. Praying. Staying in community (with people who, by the way, have gone through: divorce, sickness, death- of mothers and fathers and babies, adultery, weariness, loneliness & real crisis of the heart situations.) And through these things I know- His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. And one day, I'll be able to say, "Remember that time....?" and look back & tell of where I've come.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord?Or who has been his counselor?
Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?
For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
Romans 11:33-36