Just Plain Beat

This weekend was just glorious- as far as needing a cool, yet sunny couple of Fall days to stomp around NYC. It rained all week and I desperately hoped for some sunshine for my friend's 48 hour visit from Texas.

We hit the ground running Friday night and kept going until Sunday afternoon when she headed to the airport. It was "quality time" as she called it. "Each moment counted!" And I am so thankful for her brief stay with Chris and me. It meant alot, especially since her cute baby girl had to stay at home with Papa (& what a Father he is for entertaining a 1 year old for a couple days- impressive, no doubt!)

(Pics and stories from her visit later, for now... I'm going elsewhere.)

So, I'm learning some things about myself that are simply freeing to realize. I mean often I start to wonder "is it just me" and "is this normal?" It is good when you read and hear and experience and it sort of validates all the mayhem in your head. Even though I still haven't figured out how the homeless lady (the one with the "bad heart" remember her?) outside my office building has a cell phone-- does anyone else see this as odd?

First, feeling sad, angry, frustrated and tired are not bad things. These are not negative or wrong emotions; they are simply emotions. Dealing with them and recognizing and telling others, "Hey, I'm just really pissed off right now" is not a bad thing. It's not. Without recognizing it, writing it, singing, running, and talking my way through it I'll just continue to drown in it all. Suppressing what needs to come out leads to mental constipation. Acting and truly believing it will just all "go away" doesn't mean it will, and as a matter of fact- what seems to happen is that something (When I've forgotten what the real issue was...) continues to gnaw at me and angst covers my skin like a dewy mist that I can't get out of and I just feel sick. I don't even realize that I'm doing it to myself.

For so long I just thought by trying harder and praying longer and realizing, "he did not give us a spirit of fear, but of peace and love and a sound mind" and wanting to feel different would actually make me feel different. But some things just need dealt with.

I know that wearing myself out is not what God intended for me. It should bring me joy to serve Him and not make me bitter. Boundaries are important- and so is stretching myself and I'm learning the difference in the two.

I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin: with who I am now, at 30-years-old. There are some things (many things actually) that I can not control, I can simply react, act, move forward or stay stagnant. I can chose to grow through the rocky places I'm trying to climb ever so slowly over- or just sit down and cry. Even though there may be tears in my eyes I will keep moving forward. Even if I have to Be Still in order to Move Forward (which is an idea I am trying to wrap my go-go-go brain around).

It's okay to feel beat, just not beat down. I'm thankful for people who love and support and pray and write and call and let me bury my face in their laps and find rest.