Confidence

I don't really know how this happened, but Chris convinced me to run a Half Marathon with him. Crazy right? Since I am the kale eating, minimal alcohol, limited refined carbs, work-out addict and he likes his recliner, watching Bones and drinking Peroni. We are such opposites in that I am so high strung and busy (this is not necessarily a good thing, Martha... Martha) and he likes to relax after the end of his long, busy, stressful days as an Asst. Principal. (Longer, busier and more stressful than my days by far.)

Anyway, he went to the information meeting and came home revved up, committed and registered that very night. So, I've run with him, I've invited him to run with me. And I finally signed up on Sunday. No backing out now. I'm not loosing that $55 registration fee! (and it is a great cause.) It's just gonna be a lot of hard work between now and April 3rd. Which, by the way, is the Saturday between Tenebrae and Easter Sunday- an extremely busy weekend for Chris and I with choir/ praise team/ music stuff at church. Anyway, if you haven't already been bothered by my emails, then click here to help me raise money for Rwanda.

So, on the same subject I've really be struggling with finding time to sit and be still before God. See the thing is: from 6:00-7:00AM I go to the gym. Downstairs. In our building. (Sorry y'all, but it is a nice amenity.) 7:00-8:00AM/ 8:15 get ready for work. 8:15-9:00AM commute by foot, bus, &/or subway. 9:00-6:00PM work.

I am starting to realize that my prayers muttered within my daily commute are really not what I need. They're not what God needs. Reading the daily devotional that is sent to my INBOX everyday is not exactly what I need either. I need time. Time that I have set aside to journal, pray, read the BIBLE. (I'm sorry but reading the Bible via Internet or iPhone just feels so disengaged. It's not the same as turning the gold trimmed pages of my very own Bible.) My Bible with verses I've underlined, highlighted, notes written in the side. I've become so haphazard in this. Like I am about taking my vitamins or doing my self breast exams or stretching before and after I workout. I do it if I have time. And that, my friends, is not good enough.

Monday I woke up at 6:00AM, but instead of heading to the gym, I made a pot of coffee and sat at my desk with my journal, some notes/ handouts from the Women's Brunch at our church this weekend and my Bible. The hour flew by, unlike the hour I usually spend on the treadmill or working with those darn free weights. It was so nice and I know in my heart I can not survive being physically fit but not spiritually fit. (And, I could write a book - perhaps I have???- about this issue, but I won't right now.) Hear me out. I'm not saying if you are health conscious- even more than your family and friends say you are too extreme- that you are necessarily wrong. I'm not saying that working out is "wasting time." I'm not saying trying to loose ten pounds is vain. Except when it is. And for me, it is.

I told one of my best friends earlier in the year that one of my goals for 2010 was to never go to the gym more than once a day. I've already messed up on this one. (Excuse:) The reason being, that in the morning if I do heavy cardio for 45 minutes I don't have time for weight training, so I go back in the evening. And then there are the times I am just bored, lonely, don't want to sit in front of the TV so I just ride "the bike to nowhere" for 20-30 minutes listening to Mariah Carey and Janet Jackson songs that were popular 15 years ago. And what's the harm? The problem is I miss time with God. I miss time with Chris. I miss time reading my new Anita Shreve book. I miss my life.

So, as inappropriate & unhealthy as it may seem that I am now in the process of training for a half marathon, I know it'll be fine. I just have to find time to sit with God each day, and not on the subway. And I know we all struggle with this. Sharing my heart with two people just yesterday one told me that she feels so far away from God right now. She shared with me that it had been a long time since she spent some alone time just talking and meditating on God. She can't even get through a song at church without crying; if she starts truly worshipping, she break down. And the other had been exactly where I am: fitting God into the morning schedule- that always seemed to include running, while God got shoved aside.

...cursed is the man who trusts in mankind,who makes human flesh his strength... blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence indeed is the Lord. Jer. 17:5-8

Listening to Christian music instead of secular music when I'm jogging on the treadmill can not make up for quite, meditative, alone time with the Father. It just can't.

This morning when I put on my size 4 pencil skirt, it was snug and pulled and was tighter than it was the last time I put it on. I hung it back up and put on some slacks. I didn't throw a tantrum. I think doing lunges twice a week is making my posterior wider! (Yeah, and lifting weights is making me bulk up too....) My confidence has been my flesh and my size and my abilities. MY abilities. What if my confidence was in the Lord? Imagine the possibilities. I want to be blessed. I want so desperately to be blessed. Even if that means I'm not a size 4.