Incognito

A friend of mine recently confessed to me that she's been "hiding out." And while I don't know the entire story, perhaps those little, life things that somehow take a toll on our spirits daily, eventually crushed her. I do know what she means. I hate it when Chris asks me what's wrong, when I'm crying, or noisily putting up dishes or sitting quietly- and I have no response. I don't know what's wrong. It's a million a little things. What's not wrong? What's right?

I don't know anymore. Don't ask me what's wrong, don't ask me what happened, and don't, DON'T even expect me to keep pouring all I am into everything I do- I'm tired. I'm really tired, even though I feel that I shouldn't be, I also feel that I just want to be incognito for a little while. MIA. Hide out somewhere. Just go away until I want to come back.

Another friend of mine just posted a GREAT quote from the book, Monk Habits for Everyday People, by Dennis Okholm:

"Stability means being faithful where we are - really paying attention to whom we live with and what is happening in our common life. Persevering in stability is persevering in listening. A person stays where God has put her** (not in abusive situations, of course) because it is with that group of folks, speaking truth in love, that she will grow with them "to maturity, to the measure of the full stature of Christ" as Paul puts it to the Ephesians (Eph 4:11-16)"
"The amazing irony is that only through stability - staying where God has put us - can we change. We must stay in the same community in order not to stay in the same relationship with God."

Lately, I've been discussing with friends- many people actually- how much of our personal growth as a Christian can we expect the church to be responsible for. I believe being a part of a church is necessary for Christian growth, not for salvation, but to learn and move forward being around other believers is vital. At least it has been for me. And I do absolutely love my church family here. But sometimes I'm sick of people (not one person specifically, hear me out, just being around people in general) and sometimes people are sick of me.

And it's not just my church that I get tired of, but all persons. Co-workers, strangers on the subway, everyone- just leave me alone. Please! (I even received a nice little text yesterday, from someone who loves and cares about me just saying "Sorry we didn't get to talk this morning. Are you okay? Is everything cool?" I haven't even responded. Yesterday after church, I went to a movie, then went walking with Chris, the prepared dinner (okay, see I should have responded by this point, but I didn't).

And now it's been over 24 hours and I don't even know what to say, so I guess I'll just have to appologize. That's usually how my attitude works. I realize in the moment that I'm acting completly selfish, me centered, and upset but then I just figure I'll ask for forgiveness when my "fit" is complete. I just need time to decompress- to unwind like a top- to forgive myself for whatever it is that I'm mad at myself about. (99% of the time this stems from my longing to be perfect.)

So often I think it is our first inclination, knee-jerk response to just avoid the situation, leave, start over, move on and begin again. But that is not really what we need to do, what I need to do. I need to remember and return and realize that it's for times like this, for sinking sand and dark hours- that we need our community most.

It's not the churches fault that I sometimes feel drained and want to be a "Sunday morning only" attender. It's not the churches fault that people walk out the back doors every week and don't leave changed. I know how to pray. I know how to read the Bible. I know what to do when I feel like this- but sometimes I choose not to do it. And that, that is my fault. I know it's not in running away, or becoming detached or being the Happy Clappy Jesus Freak, so I'm being real. (And in all honesty I didn't even want to write this blog post.)

But I know even when I don't feel like it, God is still right beside me. And when I do what He's called me to do, then I will receive His favor, and God will continued to use this broken vessel. He's not interested in what I can do, but what He can do in all those areas in my life that seem a mess- rough, jagged and unsteady. If I chose to run away and reinvent myself somewhere else, through something else, or with another group of believers- I will not grow and those new people are people too. And one day I'll be rude to them and they'll get on my nerves too.

It's not that I'm tired of community, but sometimes it's draining. I refuel in my alone times, I prefer to be alone. But I know I can't be a hermit & my life has been much more enjoyable & lovely lived with people. I can't survive as an island. I think I've just let Satan attack & I've considered how easy it would be to quit. Quit blogging, quit e-mailing, quit outings and group events and doing stuff. But I know that is not what God wants for me. Expressing Love and living life together- that's where real joy is, I know this.

Yesterday the sermon was on forgivness. And as odd as this may seem ,the person I have the hardest problem forgiving is myself. It feels so much better to forgive, even though it doesn't neccessarily answer all the questions, than it does to live in resentment.