You only live once.

So, it's Friday night at 9:00PM and I'm updating my blog.

Seriously, I am on bed rest, which is super hard for me. Chris's Spring Break started today at 3:30 and he headed for upstate NY to go camping. To get away. To spend some time in nature. Something I'd love to be doing. Unfortunately, I don't sleep on the ground, use the bathroom in the woods or eat spam- so I am here, in my nice cosy apartment in NYC. Something About Mary is on TV- I've never seen it, oddly enough.

I hardly know what to do with myself having to be still in my house. I'm usually DOing something. And I sort of wish I could rearrange my flower arrangement - cut the ends off and feed them a sugar cube. I pride myself in being able to keep my flowers alive for weeks after I receive them. I love fresh flowers. Anyway. Here I sit, two books by my side, my journal and four remotes. (Chris gave me a tutorial on how to use the Blueray before he left.)

Last night I went out with three friends to celebrate my birthday. We went to a Peruvian restaurant where we had too much food and too much Sangria followed by too much sugar when we got back to my apartment.

So, I said "forget about it" to the medicine (well one of them anyway) and will be taking it at a later date. And what is a birthday without a miniature cupcake or two (or three...)? I am grateful for friends like this who make me feel like a princess and forget the heaviness of the world - if only for a few hours.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a pasta dinner - a fundraiser for Rwanda- that I already had a ticket for, but I left work early and have been sitting in Chris's recliner since about 3:00.

The pain in my groin has intensified- tremendously. (This is ON TOP OF my other issues that I'm experiencing physically right now. I turn 30 and oh-my-stars, I'm freaking falling apart!)

Yesterday I tried to run- a mistake I regret making in retrospect, however I'm not 100% convinced that it is what did me in. After just 10 minutes on the treadmill, I had to quit. And did so angrily. Yesterday I was in a little pain, my muscles ached, but I could walk. Last night it was a bit worse but I just moved slower. But this morning I could hardly put one leg in-front of the other; a cane would have come in handy for sure. But I insisted on going to work, after all, "I just sit all day," I kept telling Chris. He insisted I take a cab.

So, I got out of the cab on the far side of Grand Central Station, thinking, I'll just walk through the terminal and save a dollar or so. New York City is not friendly to the slow, handicapped or disabled. I realize that I was moving at a snails pace, experiencing excruciating pain with each step- and I DO realize I'm usually the one zooming over these slow people, but it was rough getting through all those suits and briefcases. I had to stop three times walking through Grand Central to our offices to pull myself together. Compose myself. NOT cry.

I left work at 2:00 because I need to be still. I need to ice my muscles. I'm upset I am unable to attend the Running for Rwanda fundraiser tonight. I was going to go out with the girls afterward. Have drinks. Maybe ride the mechanical bull at Johnny Utah's - thus the drinks. I'm upset I can not run with the team in the morning for our last training run. I'm upset I will not be able to participate in the 15k on Sunday. And mostly, I'm deeply worried about my ability to run my Half Marathon in one week. Right now I'm limping to walk to and from the bathroom.

I feel like God has had to do what he's had to do to get my undivided attention.

"Stefani, you think you control your body, your health, what you look like; you try desperately to cling to your youth, your curves, your beauty. But I AM IN CONTROL, not you. I want to know you. I want to be your number one. I want you to give me 100% control and then you will find abundant life."

So here I am sitting still.

Tomorrow I have dinner plans with two lovely girls from church. We are supposed to have dinner at a vegan/ hippie/ tree-hugging place in the East Village and then get vegan tofu cupcakes to eat at my apartment while we watch Food Inc. Then... SLUMBER PARTY. Sunday they are going to sing in the choir and I was going to go run.

My original plan for Sunday was to run a 15k, but now, if I can stand up, I'll be waving my palm branch and singing Hosanna in the choir. (Why does this hurt my heart? Why am I so upset about having to sit out? I am sad that I have to miss a race to usher in Holy Week... this amplifies my depravity. My selfishness.) More still, I will be crushed if I can't run April 3rd. I feel like I've work so hard. I don't deserve this.

With this flippant, self-serving spirit it's no wonder that in less than one week we'll shout, "Crucify Him."