Roots

I'm not going to lie. Yesterday was tough- physically and mentally. But I'm so thankful for all the love and sincere well wishes that surrounded me.

I spent my lunch hour in a doctors office and left with two prescriptions and no answers. After work I headed home to meet Chris and dropped my Rx off at the Duane Reade (that's a pharmacy for those of you in the mid-west) across the street. When I got home Chris gave me the cutest hippie/ home-made looking shirt from a boutique store with a boutique price-tag. (He left the tag on "just in case [I] want to take it back and exchange it.") I love it when he picks things out for me though. It gives me a chance to see what he sees my style as & maybe what he'd like to see me wearing. I do like the top- it's very quirky and totally me.

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Because I am possibly the WORST decision maker, I had given Chris a list of five restaurants that I would like to try out. (New restaurants only! There is too much good food in NYC to eat at the same place all the time.) He chose Flex Mussels, cause you know I love bivalves! I was ten short blocks and four avenues from us, so we walked there and walked home. The food was really great I had the FRA DIAVOLO- San Marzano tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, fresh basil and Chris had FUNGHI- wild mushrooms, double smoked bacon,garlic, cream. At dinner Chris gave me another gift, a lovely necklace with the tree of life on it. I absolutely adore it. It was a wonderful night: dinner & no drinks (for me at least) because of my meds...

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Then my spirits began melting into the rain that started to fall on our walk home. I'm supposed to avoid sugar. I know this. Sugar and simple carbs feed yeast. So, for dessert on my 30th Birthday I stopped at a Seven-11 (Yes, they are in Manhattan and have great fountain drinks and iced coffee but no gasoline.) and got a sugar-free apple mango Icee. It made me want to cry; it was such a pathetic effort of celebration.

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And on the way home I remembered that the pharmacy closes at 9:00. I wouldn't be able to take my medicine until the next day. Which also made me want to cry and I considered buying something over the counter- but I knew I shouldn't. We went into the store, in the hopes we'd catch someone in the pharmacy closing up or something, however all we saw was a my tray of meds locked behind the gate.

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Still trying to remain optimistic we got home and I just felt so heavy. Heavy with dealing. Heavy with feeling sorry for my husband. Heavy with feeling guilty for being so down. On my Birthday, when I have so much to be happy for.

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This problem is so personal and private and affects me not only physically but mentally as well. And it effects my marriage. And I love my husband. He is the greatest husband, but I know he feels like breaking every once in awhile. Or throwing something. I go through the stages of grief- mourning, anger, frustration and then just tell myself "I'll deal with it." For the rest of my life...

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And last night sitting on the edge of my white comforter, with purple eyeshadow running down my face in into my lap- I vented to Chris. Because I want a "normal" marriage, I want a "normal" love life, I want to be healthy and not have a chronic illness that seems to have no trigger and no cure.

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When I was finally quiet he asked me what Bible character I was. I already knew. I wanted to say, "Job" but I knew. Martha.

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"Stefani, you want this and you want that. What does God want? Even when you say you are not worried about it you say, 'I decided that I am going to just power through. And be positive.' Maybe you should quit doing and trying and see what God wants."

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I know all this. I do, but hearing it from my husband, knowing he hurts for me but still rests in the confidence that God is in control, brought such reassurance. Such comfort.

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This morning I read this:

“He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold” (Job 23:10). From this wise statement we can learn two valuable lessons: One is that what we dread most can be used to test our character and make us stronger. The other is that God will provide the strength and comfort to see us through. Our Daily Bread

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What do I dread most, Stefani? I stopped and asked myself.

Loosing my husband. Being alone without him for the rest of my life.

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So, this is my test. This, this problem of mine has had a HUGE impact on our marriage.

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Two Sunday's ago our associate pastor preached on the final portion of The Lord's Prayer, "lead us not into temptation." And during this service Chris and I both got some very clear answers from God. We knew that all of this stuff, that beats us down, it happens for a reason- even Jesus himself was tempted. And just because stuff happens and doctors don't know why and you can't make love to your husband on the night of your 30th birthday- God knows why.

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Jeremiah 17:5-8 This is what the LORD says:

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"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.

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"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."