Ten Lords-a-Leaping

There's a leaping in my stomach. A fluttering in my tummy, right below my belly button. A tightness in my throat. I've never been good at confrontation. At telling someone they hurt my feelings or that I am wrong or how I am really feeling when it might put them on the defensive.

When I'm angry- with a situation or with myself (this is the case more often than not) I try to distract my mind instead of marching forward with confidence into what may (or may not) be an difficult conversation. I go for a walk, go buy hand soap, chop carrots or wash a load of laundry. And it's always been this way as far as I can remember.

When I mess up- and hurt someone else- it could very easily take me two or three days to dig myself out of the trenches and stop replaying the entire scenario over in my mind. "What if I'd of not said this..." "What if I would have gone....." "What if she thinks I'm untrustworthy......" "What if I'd have said something sooner..."

A counselor once told me that I am can't say should have comments. And I can't live hypothetically. And I can't be frustrated with someone for something that they might be thinking.

I just want everyone to like me. (NEW FLASH: Not going to happen!) I just never want to disappoint anyone. (HELLO!!!)

This week a girl who worked in a building right next door to my office building was crushed when there was a terrible elevator mishap. The tragic news spread quickly and emergencies vehicles blocked the avenue most of the morning. It made me nauseous too, my heart sinking and my nerves jumping and the reality that we are all just a falling elevator car away from death. Every. Single. Day. Tragic really, that I'm not living like I could die tomorrow. I'm not guaranteed my next breath. Not to be morbid--- but we have to start really living and leaping and loving others more than ourselves.

Guilt is not what I want to feel. And I'm thinking that it may be the greasy pizza I just ate as much as it is my nerves right now, but I can't be frightened by difficult conversations, because, they are going to continue to happen. Who's right and what's wrong doesn't really matter to me as much as learning from my mistakes. Humbling myself to admit my pride -- which is probably what got me in this predicament in the first place. And changing.

Changing how I will handle the situation next time, because I know tomorrow will bring a next time.