Minor Dilemma

Yesterday Chris and I led worship at church. Well, Chris led, and I followed him in leading. He and our friend Dave played guitars/ piano (they both played both... switching here and there) leaving me feeling totally inadequate only being able to offer my vocal ability. I can't even do the egg- shaker thing... too much responsibility! So, it was really great, all except that I had a small break down during the rehearsal before the first service. And, it really wasn't a break down, but for all practical purposes, we'll call it that on the blog. It was just this song, it's so... me. Like I can totally relate, I think this song was written just for me. (You know what I'm saying?) So, it wasn't that I was fearful of singing a solo, or the notes, or the accompanist or anything like that- I can always press on- plow through with a vengeance, it was just the words.

Jesus, Lover of My Soul (this video is kinda lame- like poor screen-saver images that didn't make the final cut.... but it's the song, nonetheless)

"It's all about You, Jesus
and all this is for you
for Your glory and Your fame
It's not about me,
as if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender, to Your way.

Jesus, Lover of My Soul
All consuming fire, is in Your gaze
Jesus, I want You to know
I will follow You, all my days
For no one else in history is like You,
History itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will spend eternity with You."

To me, the "all this" in the "all this is for You" meant: this service, the church I'm in, this song, this coming together with other Christians, this sacrifice of praise that is a sweet sound in Your Ear. All this day in and day out. Family, tears, struggles, gardening, writing, dancing, quiet moments laying on a quilt with my husband outside on the grass- It's all for You. Not for me. All this. All this hoop-la Sunday in and Sunday out; if it's not for God, then what are we doing?

I stopped singing, bowed my head to the floor and put the microphone against my forehead and started crying. Chris freaked out a bit. Dave kept playing and singing harmony. The sound guy and producer lady are like, "What the heck... What's going on...?" (Again, during pre-service warm-up.) So, I tell Chris, "It's not the song, it's not the notes or my lack of ability here, it's just the words... It's something in me. I'll be okay. And if I cry, ya'll keep on trucking through.. God doesn't care. And neither should anyone else." He got it. Chris knows how to handle me by now. And I know, if I take a deep breathe and pray about it, I'll be okay. God can use me, even if I start to choke up. (FYI, I made it through both services just fine, to tears- Yay.)

Like the time when I was seventeen and sang, "How Great Thou Art" at my Nana's funeral. I just had to do it. I had to do it for my Grandaddy and I just couldn't think about it right then. I just had to get the song out and think later. So, that is what I did yesterday, I thought about how I just had to get the message out. Anyway, all this to say, I've been thinking about the "all this" alot. And how it's "not about me" like I usually live everyday. I want to live an outward life, a life that gives and doesn't receive so much. This summer I've learned the importance of humility and simpleness- they're not so bad. But, this whole living outward- it requires giving & also being around people, which isn't so bad either.

All this: autumn air, giggles over coffee, shoulder rubs, fall foliage, taking a friend to dinner, phone calls to family, digging in the soil, inviting someone to come sit on your couch with you, eat pizza, and watch a movie, sponsoring kids in far away places, creating scripts and websites and songs and recipes, forgiving and listening and loving and outstretched arms- It's all for You. Not Me.