Keeping me Awake

I don't have a problem sleeping or getting to sleep. Just pop in The Godfather, some Adam Sandler movie or any romantic comedy- I will be out in less than thirty minutes guaranteed. Most every night I sleep well, curled up like a cat in the fetal position. Some nights I don't move at all- slumbering long and heavy.

Saturday night after my long, enjoyable day that ended with two glasses of red wine, I was distraught when I woke up abruptly at 2:45am. I was wide awake. My best friend in Texas had texted me earlier in the evening and said that her water had broke and she was headed to the hospital. That was at 6:00pm. After laying there consumed with thoughts of her, I texted her a single line saying that I was awake and thinking about her and her unborn baby. To my surprise she responded. No baby yet.

We wrote back and forth for awhile then I told her I better turn in and that I loved her dearly. (I had to be at church at 8:00am, which means I had to wake up at 6:30am, which I don't even do during the work week.) She is embarking on something totally selfless and brave and one of the greatest joys ever. Thinking about her, I laid in bed, wide awake and all alone until 4:50am.

I thought. I thought and prayed and wrote an entire chapter of a book in my head. I thought about how I am really a grown up now. I mean, as soon as I quit getting acne I started worrying about spider veins. I make sure all my face lotions and skin serums have SPF now, so I can avoid a wrinkly neck. I will be thirty in six months. I think I should get rid of my oversized, plastic beaded necklaces and my halter top from H&M. I mean really, Stefani? And that brown sundress with the pink stitching that I can't wear a bra with- I think I need to get rid of it too. Not that I want to appear matronly, or avoid baring my shoulders, I just think that to be treated maturely, then my appearance needs to stay, "I am a beautiful, strong, educated, confident woman" not "Hey, I partied too hard last night and can't find my undergarments."

I passed a book display at Barnes and Noble the other day and the girl on the cover of "What to Expect When Your Expecting" looked much younger than me. Is this what getting older feels like. Becoming an adult? When your closest friends are buying homes and having babies and making partner? I don't really want any of that right now which is why New York makes me feel normal. It accepts the single and the childless and the ones who want to play, experience, and wander like my husband and I do.

So, while our dearest friends became the parents of baby Tessa, my husband and I are spending time apart this summer. It isn't to get away, or avoid one another but to discover. It was bittersweet when I wished him well on July 5th and he headed toward the Pacific Ocean on motorcylce with nothing more than a backpack and a tent. He's on his pilgrimage. A "once in a lifetime opportunity." And while I know this to be true, I miss him with everything that is within me. I've been lonely. He's been really lonely. But it is good. He is seeing and listening and writing. And I am on a journey of my very own, even though I haven't left NYC at all this summer. There are places I have to go that he can not go with me.

So, while there is not a baby in our near future, I do feel older. I feel like I need to get my moles examined, not carry so much crap in my oversized handbag, and quit wearing headbands.