Comfort

My best friend and I loved sharing coffee together. Day or night. Regular or decaf. Iced, espresso, whipped cream, or sugar cubes. Coffee was our thing- from discovering our first Starbucks in a Barnes and Noble when we were sixteen, to lounging on her backyard patio. I have loved coffee and realize that alot of it goes deeper than the caffeine and various flavors. It's a comfort thing. I actually like the way it tastes and find it soothing, however odd that may seem. And even though I drink my share of iced coffee, there is something familial and joyous that is moved in me by hot coffee. (I'm the one who orders extra hot lattes and microwaves her coffee when it starts to cool.)

I miss my friend now. And I miss her patio that my husband and I helped design and create. I miss coffee and Pepperidge Farm cookies and her little green cream and sugar set. Mostly, I miss her laugh and the way she made me feel about myself.

I've decided that I am going to start treating myself the way I treated my best friend. I am going to think of myself like I think of others around me: beautiful, talented, creative and worth something. I am valuable because God says I'm valuable. I am worth it. So, often I say that I am a selfish individual, and to that I still say "AMEN." I struggle constantly with wanting more and doing for myself and living for what is easy- I think as long as I live in this body, I'll desire the things of this world. And God has reminds me that I am so blessed. BUT, when I say that I want to treat myself like I would my own child (not that I have one) or my dear, precious friend, or even a younger, innocent me- what I mean is I want to love well and live a life that points directly to the Father. Stop the inner critic. Silence the negativity. Suffocate the voice that mutters so pathetically, "Woe is me."

Psalm 19:14 "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."

Down with pride and down with apathy. Somehow I felt that beating myself up was the opposite of glorifying myself. This is not the case. For a long time I was the queen of self-loathing and it begins to get on people's nerves. But how can an almighty, righteous, perfect, creator of the universe use me? Mercy. Grace. I had to accept his forgiveness. I had to realize that HE LOVES ME. Period.

I thought too highly of myself, like my sins were too bad. That I was not worthy, that he could never forgive me. The truth is, he already had.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:3 Is my identity wrapped up in my faith in God? Because that is the only place to find true comfort.