If you don't listen to God, then you won't hear Him.

And that is pretty much where I'm at. How do I hear God? I mean yes, we have all those Sunday school answers: read the Bible, seek spiritual guidance/ counseling when necessary, pray. But isn't prayer a two way conversation? And shouldn't I just be still and be quite and listen? This is so hard for me. Oh. My. Gosh. Is it ever.

II Corinthians 4:7-10
Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed.

When I read this, I think, "Why did I sign up for this?" Why can't my treasure be in an platinum crate or a gold treasure chest or a marble vase? Why is it is a clay jar? Why am I crushed, perplexed, persecuted and struck down- and live to tell the tale? Because then, and only then, can I point to God. Only then can I understand, in my brokenness, that he is the only thing good in me. Without His light shining in between the cracks of this broken clay pot- I am just dust.

I realize how selfish and self-centered I am more and more each day. I joke about it, but it's so true. We, as people, are pretty shallow and insecure. I'm the reason I go to the gym, I'm the reason I buy organic, I'm the reason I get pedicures, and I'm the reason I don't want pets or kids. Not that any of these things are bad or wrong, I just pretty much go around satisfying whatever it is I want whenever it is I want it. A $5.00 yogurt, a weekend vacation, a new handbag that I "deserve." I can justify it all. But don't I believe that this body is just a shell for the soul? Stuff of Earth will pass away.

Romans 7:18 says, For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do what is good is with me, but there is no ability to do it. - BUT, this is not all. We are not without hope. Galatians 5:1 says, Christ has liberated us into freedom. But in Stefani world this sounds too easy.

Verses 16-18 of the same chapter read: I say then, walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is against the Spirit, and the Spirit desires what is against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you don't do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Even though this is where I should jump up and down and scream "Yes! I'm not under the law. Thank God. Otherwise I'd been hung before I turned sixteen. I'd be wallowing in the filth of this world. I'd be desolate." Sometimes this is where I struggle in my Christian life. I want to do something to gain my freedom. I want to do anything to pay the debt, to justify this righteousness that I have been given. But I can't. Prayer, fasting, crying into my pillow late into the night and feeling guilty- just leaves me empty. It's not how it works. The price has been paid. It is a free gift.

Even though I want to earn it- to be perfect- I can't earn it and I won't be perfect no matter how much money or time I give or how much scripture I memorize. I've got to get over myself and my sin if I want to move on. Really. Grace is a gift that I will never fully understand. But faith is just that- unexplainable and undeserved.

Hebrews 6:19- We have this hope—like a sure and firm anchor of the soul—that enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain.

I'm trying really hard to listen. To not be focused on me all day every day. I'm trying to sit really still and be very quiet. God loves me, and I didn't earn it and I can't escape it. It's a good feeling.